Mom to Mom

[NYC Susan]

On 1/25/2014 felinemom said:

NewYorkSusan I posted a reply but I did it wrong, but it is under Mom to Mom, hope you see it. Thank you Felinemom

I just saw it, and responded there.

[NYC Susan]

On 1/25/2014 Yuban3 said:

On 1/10/2014 Dagna said:

On 1/9/2014 D Oro said:

On 1/9/2014 felinemom said:

Ladies, please don't argue on my account. THe popcorn was dry, there were no stains on floor. This situation has been going on for over 10 years, if its not feeding the birds, its putting spoons away in the wrong place, its insulting her by leaving sandals on end table while I tried to open back door to shake out sandy towels,to sipping out of gc's cup when I thought he was through with it, to talking to a homeless person in broad daylight, anything that gives me pleasure or if I'm trying to help. Its a no win situation, I only come on this thread when I'm scared or trying to stop crying. I live alone, I have high expectations of people, whereas if I'm kind and helpful they'll be nice to me. But please stop arguing about it, I'll be fine, I'll keep busy and be thankful for the kind people here who tried to help. God bless you ! Felinemom

Felinemom, I am sorry your visit didn't turn out the way you wanted. I truly understand when you are trying to do your very best and somehow everything you say or do comes out all wrong. Sometimes that's unavoidable. I do agree with you that your daughter-in-law's reaction may have been a bit over-the-top. That said however, I wouldn't be happy about the popcorn thing. There's no eating in my car. None. Or feeding the birds near cars. I would not be happy that you put your shoes on my table. I would be appalled that you drank out of my child's cup or ate off of his/her plate. Yes, it would bother me that after all these years you wouldn't know where my silverware was placed. But I could not, would not, make you feel uncomfortable in any way in all of these scenarios. It is just not in my nature. Mind you I might be twitching a bit inside, but I certainly would not deliberately make you feel as you were made to feel. Knowing how your daughter-in-law feels about all of these things, maybe you can avoid doing anything like that in the future. Maybe?

ITA.

Sorry if I wasn't as tactful.

Sometimes I wonder if people really want to solve the problems they have or if they just want to criticize the other person and insist that they are victims.

If someone feels about her things and children the way the DIL does, why continue to insist that she is wrong? What does that really get the OP in the long run?

Her third sentence, the o/p says, ", My family except for my brother does not want to listen anymore".

Maybe they are sick and tired of her victim mentality.

So, I agree with you, Dagna. It just seems like some people don't really want to put forth the effort to solve their problems. They like the attention that they get when they constantly whine. If they really wanted to solve their troubles, they would put themselves in the other person's shoes, and see things from the other person's point of view.

But after a while, that gets real old, real quick.

I doubt things will change for the o/p.

Speaking as a former mental health professional, I can tell you that your last sentence is pretty much the worst thing you can say to someone who is feeling the way the OP is feeling.

If you want to jump to conclusions and blame her, that's bad enough. But telling her that things are not going to get better is crossing a line. Making someone feel that the situation is hopeless can be extremely harmful.

And things WILL get better. Her priority is her grandchildren, and in a few years they'll be old enough that she won't have to deal with their mother anymore. Hopefully, things will improve before then, but she has every reason to look forward to a good relationship with her GK's.

felinemom, I know you want this thread to end, and I apologize for adding to it again, but i just couldn't let this go.

[CDN2]

On 1/25/2014 NYC Susan said:

Speaking as a former mental health professional, I can tell you that your last sentence is pretty much the worst thing you can say to someone who is feeling the way the OP is feeling.

If you want to jump to conclusions and blame her, that's bad enough. But telling her that things are not going to get better is crossing a line. Making someone feel that the situation is hopeless can be extremely harmful.

And things WILL get better. Her priority is her grandchildren, and in a few years they'll be old enough that she won't have to deal with their mother anymore. Hopefully, things will improve before then, but she has every reason to look forward to a good relationship with her GK's.

felinemom, I know you want this thread to end, and I apologize for adding to it again, but i just couldn't let this go.

I don't think you can be so sure her grandchildren will seek her out when they're older if there's no connection now. The older they get, their school & social interests will be more important.

I seriously question that her grandkids are her priority. Has she given up on her son who she raised? How can she have a good relationship with the kids if she doesn't have one with their parents?

[pinkskates4]

In addition to all the other good suggestions - see post 16, as just one of many examples, why not try Skype to relate to your grandkids?

That would be positive.

It's not difficult. If you can manage posting here, you can learn to do it.

[Little Way]

OK, there's a lot going on here that the original poster isn't revealing. This isn't about leaving shoes on a table or putting away silverware in the wrong spot. Plus the original poster said her own family doesn't want to listen to it anymore.

We can only control ourselves, our actions, our responses. Daughter-in-law may never change, son may never change - but Felinemom can change. Accept that you are unwelcome - for whatever reason - and find other ways to connect with your grandchildren. It sounds like you weren't seeing them all that much to start with - 4 times a year isn't really that much. I understand it is down to two times a year. To be honest, they are approaching their teen years and they probably will drift off into their own teen worlds even under the best of family circumstances.

I offer practical suggestions: engage your grandchildren on social media. Are they on Instagram? Maybe the older one has a Facebook account and you could friend him/her? Skyping is a good suggestion but it requires that you coordinate a time and place and daughter-in-law might be lurking in the background. Why not just start off with daily emails to your grandkids with a photo of something like something you made that day, the sunset, your garden, something in your town or neighborhood. Or send them an email with a link to an article you read online. Do they follow sports teams? Then become a real fan of that team. Learn the players so you can talk to him/her about the team. Which bands and tv shows do they like? Then listen to that music, maybe watch the show. Don't give up - keep trying, but don't come across as too desperate for their attention. Is there a food that you make that they especially like? Then make it and mail it to them!

Whatever you do, don't keep doing the same thing over and over hoping things will change. They will not. You change and things will change. Good luck.

[pinkskates4]

On 1/26/2014 Dilemma Meringue said:

OK, there's a lot going on here that the original poster isn't revealing. This isn't about leaving shoes on a table or putting away silverware in the wrong spot. Plus the original poster said her own family doesn't want to listen to it anymore.

We can only control ourselves, our actions, our responses. Daughter-in-law may never change, son may never change - but Felinemom can change. Accept that you are unwelcome - for whatever reason - and find other ways to connect with your grandchildren. It sounds like you weren't seeing them all that much to start with - 4 times a year isn't really that much. I understand it is down to two times a year. To be honest, they are approaching their teen years and they probably will drift off into their own teen worlds even under the best of family circumstances.

I offer practical suggestions: engage your grandchildren on social media. Are they on Instagram? Maybe the older one has a Facebook account and you could friend him/her? Skyping is a good suggestion but it requires that you coordinate a time and place and daughter-in-law might be lurking in the background. Why not just start off with daily emails to your grandkids with a photo of something like something you made that day, the sunset, your garden, something in your town or neighborhood. Or send them an email with a link to an article you read online. Do they follow sports teams? Then become a real fan of that team. Learn the players so you can talk to him/her about the team. Which bands and tv shows do they like? Then listen to that music, maybe watch the show. Don't give up - keep trying, but don't come across as too desperate for their attention. Is there a food that you make that they especially like? Then make it and mail it to them!

Whatever you do, don't keep doing the same thing over and over hoping things will change. They will not. You change and things will change. Good luck.

Great advice. Hope she heeds it.

[NYC Susan]

On 1/26/2014 CDN2 said:

On 1/25/2014 NYC Susan said:

Speaking as a former mental health professional, I can tell you that your last sentence is pretty much the worst thing you can say to someone who is feeling the way the OP is feeling.

If you want to jump to conclusions and blame her, that's bad enough. But telling her that things are not going to get better is crossing a line. Making someone feel that the situation is hopeless can be extremely harmful.

And things WILL get better. Her priority is her grandchildren, and in a few years they'll be old enough that she won't have to deal with their mother anymore. Hopefully, things will improve before then, but she has every reason to look forward to a good relationship with her GK's.

felinemom, I know you want this thread to end, and I apologize for adding to it again, but i just couldn't let this go.

I don't think you can be so sure her grandchildren will seek her out when they're older if there's no connection now. The older they get, their school & social interests will be more important.

I seriously question that her grandkids are her priority. Has she given up on her son who she raised? How can she have a good relationship with the kids if she doesn't have one with their parents?

There is a connection now. And those of us who are trying to help are urging her to keep that connection going.

From what I've read, she absolutely does see her GKs as a priority. No, she hasn't given up on her son. She clearly said she doesn't want to interfere in his marriage and make things difficult for him. And yes, it's perfectly possible to have a good relationship with kids even if the relationship with parents is not ideal.

[diamoniqueworksfor me]

My heart is breaking for you. By my own personal experiences that I am going through right now all I can tell you is that we have to get closer to God . Not in a religious kind of way but a relationship with him is a must . I like a certain preacher and listening to him helps . You might like someone else , but take the time to build the foundation between you and God. Your daughter in law , son, grandkids, family , friends, will be surprised to see that you have a comforter that loves you , protects you, keeps you and has much more than you can ask or even think . You did all you could . Did it all with love - now is in HIS HANDS

[felinemom]

Diamoniqueworksforme Thank you for your most beautiful answer, I am almost crying right now as I answer you. Fighting, revenge, whining etc. etc. does not bring peace of mind. I so ask God for the strength to accept His will for me, but I guess I fight it too. I think I know what's best for me, but alas I don't. I want, I want....but I must accept what He wants. Even though I think I would be such a wonderful Nana and MIL, I must wait and see. Thank you again for your inspiring words. Felinemom

[sue52]

Felinemom, I have been reading this thread and you did get some good advice. Yes, I do believe diamoniqueworksforme gave the best advice, though. Ignore the rest. They are not living your life and have no idea what you are going through. God bless.