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Honored Contributor
Posts: 10,371
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: I'm about ready to thow up my arms in defeat


@TTerri wrote:

Sit her down, tell her what's on your mind and if she does threaten to not let you see your granddaughter, let her know you'll see her in court.


 

 

Grandparents do not have legal rights to see their grands.  Grandparents only have the right to ask for visitation. They do not have a guaranteed right to visit and see their grandchildren.

 

I'd never see my grands again if I did what you said. She and my son would completely shut me out.  

 

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,889
Registered: ‎03-13-2010

Re: I'm about ready to thow up my arms in defeat


@TTerri wrote:

Sit her down, tell her what's on your mind and if she does threaten to not let you see your granddaughter, let her know you'll see her in court.


 

IMO that's way too aggressive, and almost sure to make things worse.  We don't know details, but I can't imagine that it's at the point where something this drastic would be appropriate.

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,040
Registered: ‎09-12-2010

Re: I'm about ready to thow up my arms in defeat

Since you didn't say what the problem is, we can only give our own perspectives. My ex-MIL was the absolute worst, and in spite of doing what I could to get along with her, it really boiled down to the fact that she couldn't stay out of our marriage. We were in our early 20s when we married, but for 9 years she interferred in most everything we did - she always knew the best way to do anything, from buying a house to how to cook a turkey. She moved in with us for 4 months when she moved away from her home so she could be closer to us. That, and the marriage lasted for 6 months. My point is that parents of married children need to make sure that they do not interfere. There is nothing worse than hovering parents to their adult, married children.

Valued Contributor
Posts: 744
Registered: ‎05-31-2018

Re: I'm about ready to thow up my arms in defeat


@jannabelle1 wrote:

Since you didn't say what the problem is, we can only give our own perspectives. My ex-MIL was the absolute worst, and in spite of doing what I could to get along with her, it really boiled down to the fact that she couldn't stay out of our marriage. We were in our early 20s when we married, but for 9 years she interferred in most everything we did - she always knew the best way to do anything, from buying a house to how to cook a turkey. She moved in with us for 4 months when she moved away from her home so she could be closer to us. That, and the marriage lasted for 6 months. My point is that parents of married children need to make sure that they do not interfere. There is nothing worse than hovering parents to their adult, married children.


Yes Janabelle, there is interfering going on per her other posts.  I hope she is reading and learning.

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Posts: 10,371
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: I'm about ready to thow up my arms in defeat


@FuzzyFace wrote:

Does anyone here have a difficult daughter-in-law? I'm about at my wit's end; no matter what I do, I get a ration of shade from her. I'd be just as happy to give up trying to get along with her and do whateverr I want except I want to be able to see my granddaughter.

 

To be clear, she's NEVER threatened to cut off my access, but I'm concerned she might. I guess I'll just have to walk on eggshells with her; I don't like it, but sometimes that's what you have to do to keep peace in the famaily.


 

I feel for you.  My DIL doesn't talk to me unless I specifically ask her a question.  She ignores my texts, totally avoids any mention of letting me visit the grands.  It's always been like this.  For example, they spent 8 days with her family over the holidays....and I got 1 hour + 40 minutes of that.  

 

I am always nice to her, smile, try to engage her in conversation, etc.  I take the high road with both of them.  I don't want to slam a door shut and never see my son or grands.  When they go low, I go high.

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Posts: 935
Registered: ‎07-02-2014

Re: I'm about ready to thow up my arms in defeat


@Puppy-eyes7 wrote:

We have that issue with my brother's wife.  But you know what, she has plenty of reasons for us not to like her but I blame my brother for this.  I am sure he complained about us and she took his side of course, not knowing the other side of the history within our family. All families have issues. But  He painted the picture of the victim and she fell for it.  So, thought its hard for my mom to hear,  I blame my brother for the rifts.  I had a  huge argument with my brother over the fact that he basically ignored my parents.  He is my older brother btw and I told him I don't care how he treats me or my younger sibling but he better man up and pay respect to the parents who went through everything with him including his time in the military.   I was spitting nails and I told him if he didn't change things, to never speak to me again.    I prayed he would see it in his heart to change.  Tough love worked.  And lots of prayers.   He is very attentive to my parents now. (THank you God!) 

 

I don't care for my sis in law. Probably never will but it is my brother I am concerned with.  As long as my brother is still a part of our family, I could care less what sis in law does.  As long as it brings no harm nor hurt to my brother.  Otherwise, little sister will have to step in lol.  Yes, I am very protective of my family and we always welcome others to our family with open arms but being a nasty person is just not tolerated well in our family at least.  But, again...as long as it brings no harm nor hurt...I ignore that person and am only concerned with my siblings or parents.

 

Now on the daughter in law's side...I did everything I could to show my in laws I cared and was happy to be a part of their family.  I had special cakes delivered on their anniversaries, sent them bday presents when we could and always sent cards and instead of taking vacations in other places, we vacationed near them so my husband could spend as much time as possible with his parents and family.   It was at my insistence.  We are extremely close in my family and I wanted my husband to be able to see spend quality time with his.  They live in Canada.  I enjoyed our times there.  But where did it get me?  My mother in law thinks all this time that my husband was the one that sent her all the cards and gifts over the years.  I am the one that planned our trips to Canada.  She thinks it was all her son's ideas from the beginning.  Even when my hubby told her it was my doing.   My father in law was a gem to me.  He was so great to me.  But my mother in law...I just couldn't win her over.  I was raised to be respectful and gracious of my elders especially to a family I married into.  I dote on her son and take care of him.  No matter what I try to do, she has nothing good to say to me or about me.  My husband is the baby of the family and being that I have a baby brother myself...I understand how some mothers see their youngest.  Especially sons.  No one is good enough.  But...I gave up.  Which makes me sad.  I wanted to be a huge part of my husband's family.    I wish my mother in law would let me in.  But after 18 yrs...I think that's just wishful thinking on my part.  


 

 

          I can relate to you as the DIL. I also sent all the presents ,birthday cards, anniversary cards etc. We also vacationed at my in laws so they could see my husband and our boys. I called weekly for years to check in. When we all had cell phones she stopped calling our home and only called my husband on his cell. I continued to call her for a long time only to be rushed off of the phone. So I stopped calling her and she never called me. When she was terminally ill I purchased many cards for her, had my boys fill them out and address them and put a little note in the card. I mailed a card every couple of days so she would receive cards from us every week. It was difficult to find so many appropriate cards to send to a terminally ill person. My husband called her almost daily during this time.I encouraged my boys to speak with her also. I wrote her an email which was heartfelt and loving and told her of my appreciation and love for her. When she passed away my sil was very angry with me saying I did too little too late!!  She said my parents were very good people and it was too bad I hadn’t learned anything from them!, But I had done everything! At the end my sil would not let either of her brothers in her house to say goodbye to their mom. My husband will never forgive his sister for that. They are the only two left in their family yet haven’t spoken in eight years.

 

 

   I now have a dil and a soon to be dil. I make sure I keep in contact with them and inquire about how they are as well as my boys. I want them to know they are important members of our family. I never felt that way with my husbands family. I never want them to feel the hurt I felt from my mil. So I understand your sadness for not feeling love from your husbands family. I have a very large family and am so grateful my boys have grown up seeing how close and loving our family is!   Em

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Registered: ‎03-25-2012

Re: I'm about ready to thow up my arms in defeat


@FuzzyFace wrote:

Does anyone here have a difficult daughter-in-law? I'm about at my wit's end; no matter what I do, I get a ration of shade from her. I'd be just as happy to give up trying to get along with her and do whateverr I want except I want to be able to see my granddaughter.

 

To be clear, she's NEVER threatened to cut off my access, but I'm concerned she might. I guess I'll just have to walk on eggshells with her; I don't like it, but sometimes that's what you have to do to keep peace in the famaily.


@FuzzyFace

You're probably too young to believe this, but sit back and relax.  When and if you’re lucky enough to live to age 80, and can only make it out of bed a few days a week . . . You won’t give a fig about it!

 

Formerly Ford1224
We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. Elie Wiesel 1986
Valued Contributor
Posts: 573
Registered: ‎04-24-2010

Re: I'm about ready to thow up my arms in defeat

I’m not a psychologist but here’s my two cents for what it’s worth. Personally, I would NEVER make any reference to court or sit her down for a talk to clear the air. That type of approach should only occur in dire situations with a professional mediating it. Otherwise it is only escalating what sounds like a manageable situation.

 

It would be nice to have a storybook close relationship but that may be unrealistic. Keep your eye on the prize which is your granddaughter and make sure you mentally clear your thoughts of negativity toward your dil before you interact with her. Sometimes we see what we expect to see and miss little openings for improvement. Show her dignity and respect for her ideas even if they differ from your own and never, ever convey your disapproval of her to your granddaughter.

 

I adore my dil but privately struggled with our relationship in the beginning. I am so grateful I kept my reservations to myself. For example, in the beginning I thought she came off as a little unfriendly, distracted in conversations which said disinterest to me but was actually due to the fact that she has frequent migraines and pushes herself to function with them rather than lie in bed. She had a very tough childhood with a cancer ridden mother, a bitter father who expected her to care for four siblings and do all the household tasks from the time she was in the fourth grade. Yes, she missed out on some of the social graces I was raised with but this determined little girl has a work ethic like none other, a fierce loyalty to all of us, an unselfish and giving heart and I shudder to think I could have missed out on it all over my superficial ideas. When DH developed a serious illness she was at my side with soup, flowers and hugs and I am humbled to know that she told my son I am the mom she lost when she was young. What a fool I would have been if I missed out on such a gift.