How would you handle or not handle a lack of hygie... - Page 4

panda1234 · ‎04-27-2015

@mom2four0418 wrote:
@panda1234 wrote:
My 31 year old son is a little aspergery. Before getting married and living at home the only hygiene issue was not doing a good job brushing teeth. He showered daily, hair brushed, etc. Now he always looks a mess, like he just rolled out of bed. He has applied for several jobs within his company and never got them. Well, yesterday we attended a funeral which he was a pallbearer. Again he looked like a mess and his teeth were not brushed.......I was mortified. How could his wife let him out like that? Should I let this go? I feel awkward saying something but I am sure people are talking.
Leave them both alone.

@mom2four0418 Most likely will.

panda1234 · ‎04-27-2015

@justashopper wrote:
Hi @panda1234

I would talk to him directly & I wouldn't blame your DIL.

@justashopper I would never blame my DIL, just don't know what is going on.

Marp · ‎03-09-2010

@panda1234, how long has your son been married? Reaching a bit here but is it possible that the intimacy of marriage has reached the point where it is causing sensory overload and son's lack of hygiene is his way of keeping people at a distance?

The eyes through which you see others may be the same as how they see you.

jubilant · ‎06-10-2010

@panda1234 If you should see signs of declining health or depression that is another story. Then, I think it would be ok to let him know you are worried about his health. I wouldn't use the subject of his teeth, however, to initiate such a discussion. I also wouldn't worry about what other people think. I know when it comes to our children, that it is sometimes hard to stand by and watch because we taught them better than that!!

123SuzyQ123 · ‎03-09-2010

My reply is different from most who said to leave him alone and don't mention it. Based upon the closeness that my son and I have, I would definitely mention it and ask if he was OK.

My son was one who took great pride in how he looked as he was growing up. It was a daily occurence for him to stand in front of the mirror brushing his teeth and "styling" his hair, for 30, 40 minutes each morning. So it would be a big clue to me if he suddenly started looking unkept.

He and his wife are now both very clean and well kept when I see them, so yes, I would mention it to him and would probably even ask his wife what was going on with him!

The reason (I think) that we are so close is that I was a single mother raising him for 9 years of his life alone, just him and I, so we did everything together and discussed everything, so I definitely would ask him.

Best wishes to Panda as she handles this delicate subject, hoping you get a chance to find out what is going on with your precious son!!

Sooner · ‎03-10-2010

@panda1234 wrote:
@Sooner wrote:
@panda1234 Of course I think you should talk to him about it--he's your son. Nobody knows his history and his tendencies like you do.

Maybe along the way something you find out will help his wife as well. It's an important issue--so I applaud you for worrying about his well being.
@Sooner As I mentioned he is aspergery and hygiene is a social skill. People with Aspergers do sometimes lack social skills. He was not like this before he got married, I just don't understand.

@panda1234 I have a friend, and sometimes it boils down to simply who he trusts and the frame of mind he is in. I send you prayers and wishes because it is hard. That's all I know.

panda1234 · ‎04-27-2015

@RetRN wrote:
Have you noticed a change in your DIL's hygiene? If she takes care of herself it would seem she would remind her husband to do the same. How he cares for himself is definitely not a reflection on you, but I understand your concern. It sounds like the situation may be affecting employment opportunities for him.

@RetRN DIL hygiene is still the same. Yes, I do feel he did not get jobs because of this. He has been with this company since he was 16 and he is a dependable employee.

panda1234 · ‎04-27-2015

@123SuzyQ123 wrote:
My reply is different from most who said to leave him alone and don't mention it. Based upon the closeness that my son and I have, I would definitely mention it and ask if he was OK.

My son was one who took great pride in how he looked as he was growing up. It was a daily occurence for him to stand in front of the mirror brushing his teeth and "styling" his hair, for 30, 40 minutes each morning. So it would be a big clue to me if he suddenly started looking unkept.

He and his wife are now both very clean and well kept when I see them, so yes, I would mention it to him and would probably even ask his wife what was going on with him!

The reason (I think) that we are so close is that I was a single mother raising him for 9 years of his life alone, just him and I, so we did everything together and discussed everything, so I definitely would ask him.

Best wishes to Panda as she handles this delicate subject, hoping you get a chance to find out what is going on with your precious son!!

@123SuzyQ123 My son has aspbergers so to have a conversation about anything is like pulling teeth. It has always been like this for him. And yes, it is a delicate subject for sure.

decaf · ‎05-13-2021

@panda1234 I wish I had some better advice for you, I think I know how you feel. My adult son brushes off my opinions too, I think he's a little aspergery also, but was never diagnosed.

I think you've received some good advice here. Do you know if he sees a dentist regularly for cleanings and checkups? If if doesn't bother you to fib just a little, maybe you could ask him if he likes his dentist because you're thinking of changing yours.

I know this is a longshot but maybe he doesn't see the dentist at all now. If so, his gums could really be hurting and it gets very painful to brush so he avoids it.

Does he/they have a Sonicare or OralB elecric toothbrush? If you can afford it, maybe it would be a nice gift for a birthday or the holidays.

You're a good mom, you're concerned out of love. I'm wishing you and your son the best.

panda1234 · ‎04-27-2015

@Marp wrote:
@panda1234, how long has your son been married? Reaching a bit here but is it possible that the intimacy of marriage has reached the point where it is causing sensory overload and son's lack of hygiene is his way of keeping people at a distance?

@Marp That is a possibility I never thought of. Thank you, that's why this forum is so good....everyone thinks differently.