Mom to Mom

[emmysmom]

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@Vivian Florimond wrote:

I’ve mentioned on these boards that I am having knee replacement surgery in two weeks. To literally add insult to injury, my 95 year old mother, who lives several hours away, has had a series of mini strokes in the past few months. Then there’s my husband, who is in the very early stages of dementia.

When I told my daughter about my surgery, she noted that she is flying up for a quick weekend to visit her older sister and my mother. We discussed the positives and negatives of waiting to tell my mother about the surgery. My daughter wanted me to wait until after her visit north, It turns out that I couldn’t do that. My mother knew I was seeing orthopedists and she questioned me in ways a CIA agent would admire. I told her I had scheduled surgery. 

When my daughter found out that Grandma knew about my upcoming surgery, she was furious. She accused me of being incredibly selfish and of ruining her upcoming weekend because Grandma would be worrying. By the way, Grandma is fine about the surgery. She knows it’s necessary. I decided to ignore my daughter’s outburst. Her weekend will be ruined only if she allows her anger to fester. I just wonder if something in her own life is upsetting her and she took it out on me. Opinions are welcome.

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Thats too bad..and YOU have every right to let your mother know..she would have been upset if you didn't!! Try NOT ro worry about WHY your daughter reacted the way she did..YOU need to focus on YOU now and getting through your surgery! I pray everything goes as plans and you have a quick recovery! Merry Christmas!!!!

[emmysmom]

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@LilacTree wrote:

@Vivian

Boy, can I empathize!  You really don't deserve this . . . but I surely do understand . . . when we fight back, it gets worse!!

When I am getting a verbal diatribe, I simply turn around, put my hand up, walk away and say "I'm done." 

That ends it.

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I feel the same way these days..with three grown sons...!!!!! No more drama! I'm done!!!

[emmysmom]

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@LilacTree wrote:

@Vivian

Although I am 100% on your side, I will say this.  My daughter is 53, she has had a horrible last 15 years, including a very bitter divorce, huge financial issues, and then hit with a chronic disease that has neurological implications.  I think I have mentioned it before.

No matter how nasty she gets, only once or twice have I responded in kind.  Now that we have been living together for two and a half years, I have learned how to handle it.

She can say the nastiest thing to me and I counter with "I love you, I will never abandon you, no matter what."  Then I leave the room, as I indicated in my prior post. 

I think you are wise to do the same, as it seems you are doing.  I say all of this, knowing how much it hurts.  But, as my siggy indicates . . . "sometimes those who are hardest to love need it the most."  Someone here posted that once and it changed my life.

In fact, I have serious issues with two of my four daughters, this one and one who has been estranged from the family for almost ten years.

Just know my thoughts are with you, and I hope you get through this difficult time strong, in one piece, and with better things ahead.

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You're an angel!!!!! xxx

[Gayle2]

Family relationships are complicated.  It can be hard to read between the lines but I bascially believe that when you have a good relationship with someone, bumps in the road can be more easily managed.  When the foundation of a relationship is compromised or poor drama can more easily zoom in.   I have read it somewhere before and really do believe it that when things are tense or stressed out, that is probably the hardest time to "heal" a relationship.    I wish you well with your surgery and hope things go well with your family.