Hanging with the Wrong Crowd - Page 2

CalminHeart · ‎03-09-2010

@LUVNLIFE wrote:
Need some advice from those of you who have experience with this.
I am a single mother of a teenage son. He has a group of "friends" that have just started to get into trouble- partying. He hasn't yet but if he continues to hang out with them it is inevitable.
I have had serious talks with him, restricted him, ask what he thinks about things and others.
It is a fine line to get him to open up and tell me what is going on or be shut out of these subjects.
He claims he won't have any "friends".
I want to get him interested in a health club, etc. he loves fitness. Any other suggestions?
My brain in on overload and I need some advise.

I raised all boys. This can be tough but you have stay tuned in and stay on top of things. Keep talking with him. He listens even if he doesn't let you know. But don't over-nag. If he gets in trouble, be sure he has to deal with the consequences....yours at home and at school or where ever.

Does he like sports or some other extracurricular activity? Does he work parttime somewhere? If not, try those things too. He needs to earn what he receives. Too many parents give and give things but don't spend time with their kids. Be sure you find things he likes to do together, sometimes 1 on 1. Don't talk about 'issues' during those fun times. Just keep communication open.

I always made the consequences fit the 'crime.' But I also tried to get creative and make them something that could teach them about real life. No hitting or corporal punishment at my house since that only creates more anger and violence. Talking, listening (lots of listening), and tough love were what i used.

One of my sons was in sports and made varsity football as a sophomore. One morning, he and a friend decided to put everclear in their coffee. He threw up all over the nurses's office and it smelled like alcohol. He was suspended, had to go through the juvenile court system, and lost his spot on varsity football. He was devastated about losing his place on football more than anything else. While suspended, he worked for me at home (literally hours of work) and I picked up his school work and he worked on it every night. It wasn't a free week at all. He cleaned up his act and made varsity the following season.

Sometimes they had to help at homeless shelters or soup kitchens. They got involved in other charity work. Our life was very tough but others had it worse and they learned some real life lessons.

One Friday night, another son came home 30 minutes after curfew and I smelled a hint of beer on him. I got him up at 5am and he worked in the yard until 12:00. No sleeping in that day!

I also took the car away from the boys if they got in trouble. We had just one car so it was a privilege for them to get to use it. That was a biggie too.

One son got into drugs in high school. It broke my heart. He went to treatment twice as a minor but always relapsed. He was caught with mj days after graduating high school and spent a weekend in jail. He was back in treatment and I thought was going ok. During his first year at college, he came to me saying he was a crack addict. I had him at the ER within minutes which was good since his heart rate and brain waves were all over the place. It took hours to stabilize him. The hospital helped set up treatment which actually started that same night. At midnight, we were at a facility where he was interviewed for the right program...which started the next day. As a result, he failed out of his first year of college and was put on school probation. I refused to pay any money toward his next school year and he had to take care of getting back on track on his own. Today, he is working on his PhD and is a therapist for addicts. He's been recognized world-wide for his research and is on US and International Honor Societies. It was a long road but he did it. I was always there for him but I also used tough love (which I think was harder on me than on him). But he did the work.

My sons are in their mid to late 30s now and laugh about their punishments. There were lots of creative ones and they say they learned a lot from them. I didn't have to yell or hit to teach lessons. I found ways to teach them though they didn't get that at the time.

NCbeach · ‎11-27-2017

My son is a freshman in college. What worked for me was not to totally freak out when he would share things with me. And he shared a lot. I may have been screaming on the inside but I would try and calmly give him advice. He recently told me that he was glad he could come to me and I would not immediately yell and scream. He also knew what our expectations were, good grades, etc. It's hard to get through to teens that decisions they make now can effect their future.

He also got involved in a sport that took up a lot of time. He wanted to quit two years into it but I told him he had to show commitment to something for his college applications. Now, he is very glad that he stayed with it.

If your son is sharing this information with you, he is probably not comfortable being around these kids and is looking for advice from you. I would just try and keep the communication open.

Jersey Born · ‎03-10-2010

@LUVNLIFE. I would continue keeping the lines of communication open as best you can and explain to him that the world of today is quite different from the world of the past (at least in my state). In my state, the drinking age increased from age 18 to 21, and the legal sobriety level decreased. If your son gets caught drinking at a party, drinking and driving, staying out late beyond any teen driving curfew, or doing any other kind of "drug", he will face incredibly harsh penalties that will haunt him for the rest of his life, and his life is only now beginning as a near young adult. It is already incredibly hard to find gainful employment in normal, everyday circumstances, but having a police record due to underage drinking will make it nearly impossible for your son. Hanging out with kids who "party" could be disastrous for his future. Tell him how much you care about his future and how you want for him to have a wonderful one (not that you haven't already said all of this to him). With "friends" like the ones he now has, who needs enemies? He will make plenty of new friends when he goes to college, attends vocational training, or finds employment. "Sleep with dogs, wake up with fleas."

My children are not popular, so I do not face this problem. They are not invited to any of these parties. I personally know the parents of all of their friends, understand the supervision level, and we are all on the same page. However, I do know some parents who permit their kids to throw parties at their homes, and they have specific rules that they hand out to all the invited kids like:

1. Only invited guests are permitted, and there is a formal guest list.

2. Everyone invited has to open up their handbag or backpack outside their home on a table set outside for that purpose, to have it thoroughly searched by a parent, prior to entering their home.

3. No one is permitted to bring any alcohol or drugs into their home, and if they try to do this in violation of the house rules, they will have to leave the home.

4. There will be parental supervision at all times during the event.

5. The beginning time and end time of the party is from ___________ pm to _______ pm.

Perhaps you might want to reach out to the parents of his friends and see what their take is on the rules of their home for their children's parties, assuming they know that this is going on in their home. It is a big red flag if there is no parent at home during the time of a teen's party. There are so many challenges every parent and teen faces. I wish you the best with this. Just go with your gut. You know your son the best. Use whatever language it takes to keep him on the straight path.

dex · ‎03-09-2010

@NCbeach@LOL. I had the same relationship with my son and there were times I wished that he didn’t give me so many details to add to my worries.I always,like you remained calm so that he could feel comfortable discussing anything with me.These discussions helped me to see where he was at in his life and what kind of guidance that required,I am happy to read that your son is doing well and is working on his future.

ScrapHappy · ‎03-28-2010

@LUVNLIFE wrote:
Need some advice from those of you who have experience with this.
I am a single mother of a teenage son. He has a group of "friends" that have just started to get into trouble- partying. He hasn't yet but if he continues to hang out with them it is inevitable.
I have had serious talks with him, restricted him, ask what he thinks about things and others.
It is a fine line to get him to open up and tell me what is going on or be shut out of these subjects.
He claims he won't have any "friends".
I want to get him interested in a health club, etc. he loves fitness. Any other suggestions?
My brain in on overload and I need some advise.

I have a teenage daughter and I'd have to say, to be honest, if it were my daughter hanging out with the wrong crowd, I'd put an end to it. I'm the parent. It's my job to protect her and make the tough decisions whether she likes it or not.

homedecor1 · ‎03-09-2010

@LUVNLIFE

As parents we've instilled values, morals and the ability for our kids to know right from wrong by the time they are teenagers. I would keep an eye on the "wrong crowd" but also remind him of not only your consequences but those which will follow him forever if he continues to hang with the "wrong crowd when they do wrong".

My dad had a great saying: I can't even count how many times i've heard it growing up: Lay down with dogs you'll get fleas! And "birds of a feather flock together"-- so if your friends are seen as "wrong type of people from others so will you".

My younger son was about 15 when malls were becoming hang outs for kids & only movie theatre was there. He asked to go to mall to hangout with friendsbefore movie and his friend who drove would bring him home. Nope! I'll take you to the movies and drop you off & pick you up That didn't go over to well in "their" plans. He was mad and said "then i'm not going!". Ok, didn't bother me. Then or any other time he was not allowed to hang out in the mall.

To this day he reminds me thehow he "missed a exciting time in his life." ...hmmm, I remind him that certain group of boys were arrested for "tresspassing", "unruly behavior" and stealing.

Best thing i did signed him up to play ice hockey 3 nights/early 5am practices. He loved it and played all they high school and now coaches! He thanks me for being strict as he has grown into a great man!

My dad used to tell me about raising kids;guidelines,you are a friend last mother first! and the next 100 years are the hardest!🙂🙈🤔🙃

just stayfirm & consistent;!