HELP!!! 5 year old and bad behavior

coconut1818 · ‎11-21-2010

Ok, I will try to do the Reader's Digest version. When I was the High School secretary in our town I became close to one of my office aides. She now has two children 5 years old and five months. The five year old has been having temper tantrums and no matter what Mom does, she can't get her under control. No matter what she takes from her as a punishment, the child doesn't care. Won't stay in time out. The single Mom is struggling but got her an appointment with a county counselor but not until December. She is an extremely bright little girl that is very strong willed and opinionated. She has always had issues with discipline but it is becoming worse. Does anyone have any suggestions? Thirty five years ago we were having trouble with my teenage step-daugther and the therapist suggested a book that was great. There were books written for different age groups but I can't remember the author's name. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

qualitygal · ‎10-04-2010

My advice is "old-fashioned" and probably wouldn't be accepted now a days. So I'll pass.

Margo Channing · ‎03-09-2010

I would just ignore it. When she stops getting attention she isn't likely to continue without an audience.

violann · ‎03-10-2010

One of my favorite techniques when working with bright children who have behavior issues is "catch them being good".

All children do some things that are good, but once a child is perceived as being difficult, both caregivers and the children themselves can begin to focus on the constant behavioral lapses rather than on the child's accomplishments.

The general rule in behavioral training is "All children seek attention (reinforcement)-positive attention is better than negative attention BUT negative attention is better than no attention at all"- so some children learn to seek negative attention unless they are receiving positive attention too.

Another management tool that can work is to explicitly describe behaviors-

"be a good girl" isn't as functional for some children as "hands in lap-feet on floor"

"you better behave" isn't as functional as "toys in the toy box so we can go outside".

Very few 5 year olds choose negative behavior if there are rewards/positive outcome available to them.

Another very important tip- NEVER make a request or command without being prepared to carry it out. Depriving and punishing don't seem to work for this child, so both she and mom will need to reorient their relationship in a different direction. Long range consequences / rewards are much less useful than specific short term requests as mentioned previously. "Time out" may work for some children with some behavior management issues but I haven't known very many.

The reason I know tis stuff works is because I raised one. we both survived to love each other dearly.

Wanted to add- using physical punishment to "teach" MAY indicate to the child that hitting is an acceptable way to manage interactions with others. I could never understand the logic in this, so after applying a couple swats, I stopped doing it, and was a happier parent.

gmkb · ‎07-29-2012

I am probably going to take a lot of heat for this opinion, but I truly believe that most of the discipline problems with children (especially very young children) are a result of parenting rather than the child.

Children require structure, consistency, affection, calm guidance, attention, respect and kindness, among other things.

You mention a single mom with a five month old. This tells me there are things going on in this home that are probably unsettling and upsetting to the five year old. It is good the mom is seeking help for the child, but she needs to seek help for herself to understand how she might be a major part of the problem.

on the bay · ‎03-09-2010

@violann-

I love your post

"If you walk the footsteps of a stranger, you'll learn things you never knew. Can you sing with all the voices of the mountains? can you paint with all the colors of the wind?"

LizzieInSRQ · ‎12-27-2010

I am serious when I'm suggesting perhaps the child is allergic to corn or some other product used in many forms. I saw a Phil Donahue Show 30 years ago where a hyperactive, out of control kid was taken off all corn products and the difference was amazing. Turns out he was allergic to corn in any form.

Allergy testing can be arduous as it takes a lot of time and strict commitment to stop one type of thing at a time e to isolate to diagnose.

Yes allergies can and do affect behavior in some instances...what I witnessed on that program was severe.

Suz614 · ‎12-23-2010

Violann - you are spot-on in your advice! It's so awesome that you provided her with detailed suggestions and consequences/desired behaviors.

As a former educator (who also had a minor in psychology), you described it perfectly.

I agree, she should seek out professional help as well, as it may assist her in the long run, but heed your advice for the immediate time frame.

sweetee2 · ‎06-21-2015

I also heard this when my children were little. When trying to get some attention in their little minds doing anything to get it even being spank or yelled at is attention. With a new baby I would ask how long has the bad behavior be going on.