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Honored Contributor
Posts: 34,519
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Deep regret over daughter

There is a saying that applies here. It's "stay in your own lane".

As parents, all we can do is to "let go and let God". By the time a child is your daughter's age, she is grown up and must find things out for herself.

I suggest getting at least a little bit of therapy for yourself. Why? Because it is high time we put ourselves and our healing first.🩷

~Have a Kind Heart, Fierce Mind, Brave Spirit~
Honored Contributor
Posts: 8,035
Registered: ‎03-14-2010

Re: Deep regret over daughter

You and your family are experiencing a deep hurt. Sadly your daughter doesn't see it from the same position as you do.

 

It is easy for me to say this - I don't have a daughter breaking my heart with her actions - but maybe it is time to step back. She seems to think you are there to grant her every wish.

 

If she has the money to loan her boyfriend money when he wants, she must have enough money for herself. It sounds like she is quilting you to get what she wants. And it seems to be working well - for her.

Please step back. And not try so hard. She is controlling the relationship. And maybe it is time for you to slow down and take care of yourself and your situation.

 

I am glad you are seeing a therapist. You need another perspective.

 

 

Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,491
Registered: ‎06-24-2011

Re: Deep regret over daughter

@Beautiful life  I'm sorry that you're having difficulties in your relationship with your daughter. Idk what to tell you that would help, but what I do know is that you're not alone. Over the last 5-8 years, I've heard similar heartbreaking stories.

 

I was sitting in the vet's office with my dog, & the woman 2 seats away was crying. Not only was her elderly dog incapacitated & going over the rainbow, but her son was in college and was posting online how he always hated her. It was so sad.

 

My child had grants for ivy league colleges; 3 friends were going to various ivy league colleges, too, then. I met up with 1 of the other mothers at the grocery store. She was divorced long ago bc her husband was an alcoholic & she brought up her children alone. When her son graduated college, he said he never wanted anything to do with the mom again bc he had met people who had class, were wealthy, & didn't struggle financially like she did. She thought he was ashamed of her. He said she was nothing more than a bus driver who drove him to a h.s. everyday out of their zone. Her daughter had alcohol abuse issues in college & blamed the mom for her father's alcoholism. She was also envious of her brother. Her children never used to get along, but they decided to be friends & ostracize the mom. The poor mom was broken. I hardly recognized her & idk what happened to her.

 

In my own family, 1 of my siblings didn't talk to my mom for 10+ years before she died. It hurt my mom so deeply.

 

When I read that counselors advise and posters say to cut out a family member from people's lives, I shudder. I think those counselors need counseling. There's nothing more important than family.

 

Give your daughter some time, & she may see things differently. I wish you the best.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,054
Registered: ‎05-01-2020

Re: Deep regret over daughter

[ Edited ]

I'm sorry your relationship has reached this point.

 

One thought - I think she's wanting you to agree with her so do. Next time she says you hurt her, say "yes and I'm sorry for that. I should not have spoiled you so much or made things so easy by not asking you to do more around the house and for yourself. I also should not have given in to so many demands. I now see how all this has been so damaging for you and it has kept you from learning some important lessons. I also didn't teach you gratitude which is another mistake. I would definitely do a lot of things differently if I could."

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,474
Registered: ‎09-08-2010

Re: Deep regret over daughter

There is no "fixing" a person. But therapy seems necessary in this instance. There's a lot of issues at play. 

Super Contributor
Posts: 430
Registered: ‎03-11-2010

Re: Deep regret over daughter

She is really good at manipulating me. I believe her. I feel sorry for her. I believe it’s all my fault. I know I am a good mom. I feel guilty for making her leave.
Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,865
Registered: ‎12-02-2013

Re: Deep regret over daughter

@Beautiful life 

 

Please reread your last sentence on the shorter post but only after you capitalize the word " act "

 

You, DH, and your son are the victims here.

 

A "guilty conscience" comes if you have done something wrong knowingly.  Doesn't sound like keeping her away from the family vacation in the situation you carefully described fits the bill.

 

I would concentrate on your son: how hurt he must be to be ignored so blatantly !

We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give.
Sir Winston Churchill
Super Contributor
Posts: 430
Registered: ‎03-11-2010

Re: Deep regret over daughter

We are extremely hurt. Last year I broke down and asked her why she is so distant. She told me to was because we kicked her out. I never cried so hard. I wanted her to understand my hurt but instead she started to blame me.
Super Contributor
Posts: 430
Registered: ‎03-11-2010

Re: Deep regret over daughter

My son is extremely upset. He can’t wait to see her. He gets angry because he knows she will only stay a short time and not often. He misses doing stuff with her.

If she’s angry at my husband and I that has nothing to do with her brother.
Honored Contributor
Posts: 21,845
Registered: ‎10-03-2011

Re: Deep regret over daughter

@Beth-QVC since you deleted the thread about this in the Among Friends forum, could your merge the replies here in this thread?