@CatsyCline wrote:
I gave my daughter a boundary over her boyfriend.
My daughter 26 was seeing a man almost double her age( this was 2 years ago). I told her if she continues to see him she needs a place of her own. The man she was seeing is an alcoholic, divorced and he is narcissistic. He at first was spoiling her, then he would start ignoring her, yelling at her and then started to borrow money from her.
My daughter started to drive at age 22. She would always be driving him around. I found out she was driving him to bars so he could drink. I told her she can’t be driving my car to take him around. I am responsible. My daughters attitude was worse.
We definitely had problem’s before because she was entitled. That was our fault because we gave in. My daughter would compare us to her friends families. She even told me she is jealous of her friends large families. She told everyone that she helped raise her little brother and it was unfair to her. She did help me with him. She helped with his homework, and once a week took him out to dinner/shopping so my husband and I could get out or get some things done.
My daughter didn’t work and went to school part time. She didn’t do any other chores except every 2 weeks fold clothes. I appreciate that she did help. She resents us for that and many other things.
My daughter started after meeting this man threw us away. She didn’t want to do anything with us and she didn’t even want to talk to us. Her little brother was diagnosed with autism a year ago. He was devastated that she didn’t even say hi to him when she got home. She was like a stranger.
That is when I told her she needed to leave if she continued to see him. She did go and before I told her to go she told me she wanted to experience living on her own but didn’t have the money. I didn’t think asking her to go would cause her to never forgiving us. She told me that we hurt her so bad she can’t forgive us.
We tried talking to her and my husband her dad told her if she is depressed over this come back home. That was a year ago.
She told me I smothered her, was controlling and I only pretended to care. My heart broke.
We devoted everything to her. Not only financially but emotionally. She didn’t drive until 22 so we took her everywhere she wanted. We took her on her favorite vacations, devoted every weekend to her.
She does have ocd, depression and misophonia. Yes I tried to get her help. My daughter is a great friend to others, she’s smart, beautiful and caring to others. I don’t understand why she treats us differently.
She demanded I give her my car so she could get to work. I did end up giving her my car. I helped her move in her new place and bought her supplies and a tv. I always told her we are always here for you. She treats this man like gold, she lends him thousands and he slow pays. She will do anything for him. He told her that he is never going to commit to her.
She comes around every month or so for a quick visit. She will never want to be with us for more than a couple hours. When she does visit she is like a stranger having a conversation. Her brother is so upset that she doesn’t spend any time with him like going anywhere with him.
I want to fix this but she gets defensive and starts making excuses and blames us. I started to see a therapist. I am depressed over this. She has wonderful friends and they are always with their families. I told her I am sorry if I hurt her. We love her, we miss her. Like I said before growing up she definitely had issues. It wasn’t just hormones. How do I fix this.
You can't fix it. Stop trying. Stop enabling her. She's an adult and you don't control her anymore.
The more you harange about the bf, the more she'll want to be with him. Just stop talking about him.
Stop loaning her the car. Stop paying bills or helping her with expenses. Always welcome her when she visits but never talk about the bf. If she gets upset or angry with you, ask her to leave.
Stop feeling guilty. She made her bed and has to learn the lesson.
It's time for tough love. Let her do her thing and learn the lesson the hard way. She's not going to listen to you or Dad. Just stop.
I know tough love and I think it was harder on me than my son.
One of my sons was an addict and came to me for help at age 19. I took him to the ER and he was in treatment before midnight. But I stopped helping him with college, expenses, etc etc.
After intense treatment, he went back to school and graduated from college and grad school magna ****** laude. He is in the International and National Honor Societies and has been recognized for his research.
He's now a therapist. He treated addicts for 10 years and has since gone on to individual, couple, and family therapy while being the substance abuse expert at his firm.
There is a lot to be said about young people accomplishing things on their own. Let her do it.
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