Re: Deep regret over daughter

ECBG · ‎01-08-2011

zI would suggest a family counselor for yourself. It will help you and give you support.

Mom2Dogs · ‎03-09-2010

I replied on the original thread but will also say this. When my step daughter graduated from high school her dad and I sat her down and told her what we expected from her, a job, chores, curfew...and a few of her bills she had to take over while she continued to live at home.

I always encouraged her to live on her own before marriage, it is great experience in many ways, but that is not how her life turned out, ...pregnant at 19, married and divorced about 15 years later.

Her mother was to willing ...in her earlier years to be absent from parenting but also just handed out what she and her sister wanted, it was easier for her (mom). It has taken quite a while for step daugher to get it together but she is finally doing well.

She has been in therapy for a while which is really helping her.

Tinkrbl44 · ‎08-23-2010

@Beautiful life wrote:
I gave my daughter a boundary over her boyfriend. My daughter 26 was seeing a man almost double her age( this was 2 years ago). I told her if she continues to see him she needs a place of her own. The man she was seeing is an alcoholic, divorced and he is narcissistic. He at first was spoiling her, then he would start ignoring her, yelling at her and then started to borrow money from her. My daughter started to drive at age 22. She would always be driving him around. I found out she was driving him to bars so he could drink. I told her she can’t be driving my car to take him around. I am responsible. My daughters attitude was worse. We definitely had problem’s before because she was entitled. That was our fault because we gave in. My daughter would compare us to her friends families. She even told me she is jealous of her friends large families. She told everyone that she helped raise her little brother and it was unfair to her. She did help me with him. She helped with his homework, and once a week took him out to dinner/shopping so my husband and I could get out or get some things done. My daughter didn’t work and went to school part time. She didn’t do any other chores except every 2 weeks fold clothes. I appreciate that she did help. She resents us for that and many other things. My daughter started after meeting this man threw us away. She didn’t want to do anything with us and she didn’t even want to talk to us. Her little brother was diagnosed with autism a year ago. He was devastated that she didn’t even say hi to him when she got home. She was like a stranger. That is when I told her she needed to leave if she continued to see him. She did go and before I told her to go she told me she wanted to experience living on her own but didn’t have the money. I didn’t think asking her to go would cause her to never forgiving us. She told me that we hurt her so bad she can’t forgive us. We tried talking to her and my husband her dad told her if she is depressed over this come back home. That was a year ago. She told me I smothered her, was controlling and I only pretended to care. My heart broke.
We devoted everything to her. Not only financially but emotionally. She didn’t drive until 22 so we took her everywhere she wanted. We took her on her favorite vacations, devoted every weekend to her. She does have ocd, depression and misophonia. Yes I tried to get her help. My daughter is a great friend to others, she’s smart, beautiful and caring to others. I don’t understand why she treats us differently.

She demanded I give her my car so she could get to work. I did end up giving her my car. I helped her move in her new place and bought her supplies and a tv. I always told her we are always here for you. She treats this man like gold, she lends him thousands and he slow pays. She will do anything for him. He told her that he is never going to commit to her. She comes around every month or so for a quick visit. She will never want to be with us for more than a couple hours. When she does visit she is like a stranger having a conversation. Her brother is so upset that she doesn’t spend any time with him like going anywhere with him. I want to fix this but she gets defensive and starts making excuses and blames us. I started to see a therapist. I am depressed over this. She has wonderful friends and they are always with their families. I told her I am sorry if I hurt her. We love her, we miss her. Like I said before growing up she definitely had issues. It wasn’t just hormones. How do I fix this.

@Beautiful life

Wow, how sad for you. Family dramas can wear anyone down.

You have received a lot of good feedback here, but one thing jumps out at me that needs to be said:

Under no circumstances should you ever say anything negative about this "boyfriend". All it will do is cause her to dig her heels in deeper and defend him. This is counter-productive for healing and getting past this mess.

This "she can never forgive you" attitude is pure manipulation ... JMO, of course.

When it comes to this man, be NEUTRAL ... like Switzerland. If you can't say anything nice about him, don't say anything at all. At least this will prevent her from further defending him or his behavior ... and this will help ... in the long run.

Sorry for your struggles ... good luck.

Beautiful life · ‎03-11-2010

I have learned my lesson about not talking about him. My daughter was always crying over him. Got really depressed. I don't anymore and haven't for over a year.

Beautiful life · ‎03-11-2010

Your right. We gave her everything we could.

Dazlin · ‎03-14-2010

@Beautiful life ...you can take a horse to water, but you can't force it to drink. Once your resources have run out, it's time to move on. It's totally heartbreaking, but has to be done...or it'll take you down for no good reason.

My heart goes out to you....I totally understand.. Gotta stay strong and above all...wise..🙏

Lakelife62 · ‎05-09-2023

My kids know they have a place with us, no matter what. Your daughter is still very young and trying to find her way and create her own path different from yours. It's part of the process of becoming a fully formed woman.
Your dislike of her bf only feeds her desire to not be like you. Both my daughters did this. There were times I didn't hear from them for weeks or I got info about them thru social media.
I learned not to give my opinion unless I was asked. Believe me, they've brought some humdingers home for us to meet. I always said "he seems nice" because ultimately those relationships thru their 20s and early 30s didn't last. When things went bad I'd offer a "you picked him, why?" and lots of hugs and tissues. My youngest in her 40s now is involved with someone I don't think is right for her, but you wouldn't know it. I am supportive and only give my opinion about the situation (never bashing him) when SHE opens that door. He will always be treated with respect in my house, as much as he makes me cringe.
Be there for your daughter. She will need you to talk to when she stops making excuses for her bf and sees what he is. Don't enable with money, but don't withhold your affection or a vacation because you don't like her choice of partner. Try to give her the grace to learn for herself. In a couple of years she'll wonder why she wasted time with this guy.

qualitygal · ‎10-04-2010

Just my thoughts. I'm no pro on helping out with this all, but, I am sorry you're going through this.

Your trying to show love (with no end to your giving to her) she soon just saw you as being able to walk all over you. Kids need boundaries, and to hear NO, and still be loved. I'd quit giving (anything). Step back, let her come to her senses if she ever does. I hope in time for your sakes, she does. Know you'll then greet her with loving open arms. Better than ever.

RedTop · ‎09-01-2010

@Beautiful life

Many years ago I responded to troubled posts related to your brother and your mother, before and after their passing. You were struggling then/not coping well and it does not appear much has changed over the last 13 years.

My sincere hope is that you stay with your therapist long enough to get to a better place with both current, and past issues. I sense a high level of guilt in all of your posts, and hope a therapist can help you release that burden.

I do wish you well.