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Valued Contributor
Posts: 695
Registered: ‎07-21-2020

Re: Deep regret over daughter

@Beautiful life  You have become a safety net, cut the cord. She needs a real wake up call and unfortunately, you cannot save her. She needs to live and learn and know that actions have consequences and this goes for both her toxic relationship with this man and also her treatment of you. She is leaning that no matter what she does, you will be there, and while that's good sometimes, it's not good here. She's an adult and needs to start acting like one. It's almost like a child acting out to see what she can get away with before someone actually makes her accountable. You are her parent not her friend, and right now as her parent you are doing the right thing if you simply cut her off. It will hurt and you won't want to, but you will be doing her a great service, and since your relationship has become very one sided at this point, what do you have to lose to try it? Otherwise, you are just continuing to set yourself up for more hurt and disappointment. She will come around and learn from what you did and love you for it when this all passes. I would almost bet on it. Good luck to you.

Super Contributor
Posts: 430
Registered: ‎03-11-2010

Re: Deep regret over daughter

Exactly a safety net. I believe that’s why she will occasionally see us. Holidays are a set time with her. While other families are with each other all day she comes late afternoon stays a couple hours dinner is always a must. She gives us excuses every time. We know after 2 hours she begins to yawn it’s close to her leaving.

The money bank ended when she moved out. She wanted to keep her credit card we gave her for emergencies. I said no and took it away. She has a nice savings account.
Honored Contributor
Posts: 8,738
Registered: ‎06-06-2019

Re: Deep regret over daughter

Maybe better off discussed with your therapist.

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,195
Registered: ‎04-10-2012

Re: Deep regret over daughter


@cactusjack wrote:

I have a similar situation. I am currently experiencing no contact with my daughter.  I say let her be. You can't beg someone to love you back. I am just putting this in the hands of a higher being. If mine doesn't ever speak to me again I can honestly say I tried my best. I have to try to be happy in the years I have left on this earth, otherwise I will end up with the breakdown that won't be fair to other family members. I can say however, I'm less stressed by simply letting the stress go instead of trying to change other people's minds or behaviors.  If others really want to make things right and care about you they will at the least meet you half way to a resolution. Sometimes we spoil our kids and not even realize it.  


I agree 100%......don't feel bad about your daughter....don't enable her.....its her choice....you have gone above and beyond to make her happy.  Let it be.

She is acting like a child....just wait it out......and like  @cactusjack  wrote...you have given it your best.....that is all you can do.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,160
Registered: ‎03-31-2010

Re: Deep regret over daughter

This story reminds me of the movie Mildred Pierce with Joan Crawford.  But I am of the mind that you do not abandon your child no matter what has happened.  Continue to try and make a breakthrough.  You brought this child into the world, and you love her.  Keep the faith and know that all good things will come to pass.

Valued Contributor
Posts: 593
Registered: ‎08-21-2011

Re: Deep regret over daughter

I am sorry.  This is so bizarre it sounds like a comedy.  You created this.  Before this kills you, I'd ether move or at least change the locks on the door and sever any relationship..if you don't she will kill you or herself.  

Honored Contributor
Posts: 10,371
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Deep regret over daughter


@Beautiful life wrote:

 

She's 26. Stop enabling her.

 

Stop loaning your car and anything else.

 

Stop giving her a free place to crash for an unlimited time.

 

Give her 30 days to find another place and then change the locks. Don't let her move back in.

 

She should be working and on her own by now. 

 

Stop holding her back from independence and a normal life for a 26 yr old. 

 

You can influence someone over 18 but you can't make them do and be what you want. 

 

It sounds like what I've said will be tougher on you than on her.

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,472
Registered: ‎09-08-2010

Re: Deep regret over daughter


@Beautiful life wrote:
She is really good at manipulating me. I believe her. I feel sorry for her. I believe it’s all my fault. I know I am a good mom. I feel guilty for making her leave.

 

Have you considered therapy? Guilt is a terrible manipulator. 


 

Honored Contributor
Posts: 15,519
Registered: ‎09-01-2010

Re: Deep regret over daughter

@Beautiful life 

All of the schools in this area really push the phrase "make good choices", from elementary thru high school.  I feel sure your daughter is very familiar with the phrase as well.  

It certainly sounds like your daughter has not made good choices, but she is an adult, she made the choices on her own and she must accept personal responsibility for the path she's on.  I feel sure her inner voice continues to let her know she's not exactly in a good place in her life, and rather than admit she did not make good choices, the kid in her looks for a way to blame her parents.  As in, her seeing the situation as you kicking her out, instead of accepting her behavior was not acceptable nor to be tolerated under your roof.  

In no way am I telling you to push your daughter away.  I do urge you to pull up your BGP's, stand your ground as to the rules at home, treat your daughter as an adult not mommy or daddy's little girl, and be prepared for more poor choices until she realizes she can't flip back and forth between being an adult and expecting your safety net to catch her when life isn't all glitter and rainbows. 

Do Not let your daughter reduce you to tears!  If she starts trying to make you feel guilty for something, do not allow her to say hurtful words, just ask her to leave.  Cry your eyes out after she's out the door, but treat your daughter as an adult visitor in your home and allow no more childish outbursts.  

This situation is not going to resolve itself soon, but you must use tough love to help your daughter grow up.  

Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,782
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Deep regret over daughter

[ Edited ]

@Beautiful life wrote:
I have asked her a few times to go to therapy. She doesn’t even take her prescribed medication. She would yell at me when I used to ask her if she took her medication.

Right there is one of the core problems causing a great deal of the strife.  You mentioned several conditions your daughter has (which if you research them you will find they are related) and if, or until these are addressed medically and psychologically, will continue to haunt your family.  Since she's an adult, it's an almost impossible situation if she will not comply with treatment or medication.

 

In the meantime, continue seeing a therapist for your own benefit and do not enable her any more than you already have.  

 

@Beautiful life 

 

 

 

 

~The only difference between this place and the Titanic is that the Titanic had a band.~