Mom to Mom

[MSA2004]

My FIL was taken to Hospice yesterday. He had a stroke several months ago. Our children visited him during his hospital stay. As it appears his demise is coming, I wonder about his services. Our oldest child is 7 (will be 8 in a few weeks) and he knows Grandpa is ill, but not that he is dying. Should we just tell him about his death and not let him attend the actual funeral service? He attended a funeral as a toddler, but has no recollection of it. Now, he'd have lots of questions. I don't mind the questions, but you can't "unsee" your grandfather lying in state. Advice please! Thank you!

[luvingit]

It is late & I'm on my iPad. I am a school counselor and will write more later. But for now your instincts are right, he is too young for the funeral. Death is very confusing for someone that young to understand. A funeral with grandpa not waking up in the coffin and everyone sad and crying is too much for a young one to deal with besides dealing with his own feelings and thoughts.

[betteb]

It's so individual. Really depends on what type of kid he is.

I guess I have to say, based on what my son was like at 7, I probably would not take him.

[ennui1]

On 3/22/2014 luvingit said: It is late & I'm on my iPad. I am a school counselor and will write more later. But for now your instincts are right, he is too young for the funeral. Death is very confusing for someone that young to understand. A funeral with grandpa not waking up in the coffin and everyone sad and crying is too much for a young one to deal with besides dealing with his own feelings and thoughts.

I recently attended a funeral and there was a bunch of little kids there. They all looked in the coffin, into the hole in the ground, and none of them seemed upset by it. Death is inevitable, it's a part of life, in a way. None of them seemed traumatized.

Btw, there weren't any people sad and crying, either. Yes, mourning, but no sobbing.

Kids are a lot more resilient than we give them credit for. They get their cues from adults. I think kids handle death and funerals better than grown ups, because grown ups fear their own death, and funerals are just reminders.

[Loves2save]

It would depend on the child. My great nephew wanted to be around my Dad while he was dying and we had hospice. He would swab his lips and wanted to care for him. They were very close my nephew who was also 7 at the time even spoke at my Dads celebration of life. You know your child better than anyone here. What do you feel he can handle.?

[mistriTsquirrel]

Honestly, I think it depends on how close your children are to him, and how sensitive they are in general.

I was a sensitive child, but I wanted to go to the funeral of a neighbor...I think I was mostly curious...I was around 7 or so, I think. We went to the visitation and funeral. I think it would've bothered me more if it was someone I was close to who died.

On the other hand, I have learned--as an adult--that I have difficulty beginning the grieving process if I don't see the person lying dead in a casket...that is what drives the point home for me, and jolts me into reality. However, I'm not sure it would be a good thing for a child. I think that going to the funeral, but not the visitation, would be appropriate. If the funeral service includes an open casket, perhaps you can keep the children away from that and bring them to the cemetery for the burial only. Then the children wouldn't have an image of a dead loved-one imprinted in their memories, but they would have some idea of what is going on.

Children do need to learn about death...it is part of the learning process that will make them well-adjusted as adults...but they don't need to experience all of the gruesome details as young children. Some kids can handle going to a visitation, and if a child of mine were insistent about going, I would probably let him/her...but I would be sure to explain some things first.

It's a hard call to make, but you know your children better than we do.

(If you want a simple answer, I've bolded it above. Best wishes to you and your children!)

[Big Sister]

What does your child want to do?

[mistriTsquirrel]

On 3/23/2014 bigsister said:

What does your child want to do?

That is a very important factor in this decision, bigsister.

[niki0521]

I'm not going to give advice on whether your child should attend or not, but here are some great children's books to help with the grieving process: angel catcher for children (journal), Freddy the leaf, and tear soup. So sorry for your situation, it is always hard to lose a loved one.

[ID2]

When my dad died and was laid out my friend came with her two young children. The kids were 5 and 3 at the time. The kids seemed fine but I thought it was in extreme bad taste for her to bring the kids.