Am i a bad mother?

Luvsmyfam · ‎11-26-2019

I work 2 jobs,and have done this for 40 yrs.i sometimes feel resentful towards my only child,who does not work.because of panic attacks,she drives very little.she lives with my ex,so she really has no bills.everything is taken care of.when I am exhausted,or feeling poorly,I still make it to work.when talking to her,knowing she can go back to bed,or go on a road trip with her botfriend,I bite my tongue. Am I being a petty about this?she is a awesome mother,and really runs the household...at her father's house

Daisy Sunflower · ‎10-26-2010

Luvsmyfam · ‎11-26-2019

no,she is not.i didn't know you could get disability for panic attacks.now I've heard of everything!

GenXmuse · ‎05-15-2016

I don't think so at all. I think we can all have unfavorable thoughts about our kids but as long as you don't lash out at her I wouldn't beat yourself up about it. It doesn't sound like she's your responsibility or you are providing for her so it doesn't affect you directly. I'm glad to hear she's a good mon though and hope she is getting help with her anxiety.

Luvsmyfam · ‎11-26-2019

Yes she is on meds and sees a counselor for anxiety. Tomorrow is monday,Monday, what I wouldn't give to stay home ,do some chores around the house,and call it a day.get me?

Calgal2too · ‎03-09-2010

I'm confused.... your adult child is, herself, a mother? She lives with your ex husband? Does her child live there also? You mentioned she has a boyfriend... where is her child's father? Do you provide any support for her? Does she do anything to earn a living?

gizmogal · ‎05-09-2014

You're an adult. She's an adult. She sounds like she doesn't need any mothering from you or anyone. So how are you a "bad mother"? If she needed mothering attention or services from you and you denied her needs there might be a pause for thought. But you're both past the need to provide mothering efforts to your grown daughter, who is a mother herself, you say! There is no context to wonder if you are a bad mother.

What you're really asking is is it wrong for you to feel resentment at what you perceive as her somewhat easy flexible, flamboyant, life compared to your 40 years working two jobs now continuing to your own exhaustion.

You can feel resentment. Feelings are valid and can't be denied. You really aren't resenting her or being unfair or unmotherly. Get real: you resent your hard work, two jobs, exhausting responsibilities.

It's easier to find a person to resent because you know you can't change the other person. So it just stays exasperating and futile. But your daughter's life isn't yours. You have no say and her life seems to work very well for her. It's your life that you have issues with if you are able to be honest with yourself.

You have to make changes in your own life. You don't like how it's going. Get some counseling to help with your rough or hard feelings. See a financial planner to see if you can work up a budget or use savings so one job can be dropped and you can have more leisure and rest. Fulfill yourself with some activity you find satisfying. Make even small changes in your life to alleviate the sense of drudgery and obligation.

People subject to panic attacks are not carefree. Your daughter has her own struggles, but yet you sound envious as well as admiring of her. Find a way to help yourself make changes so you like your own life better and then it will be much less important to you to see how your daughter lives by comparison.

You're not a bad mother. You're overworked and you are dissatisfied. Change is hard. You're worth the effort it will take to be happier. Make the effort to make change for your own benefit.

ECBG · ‎01-08-2011

@Luvsmyfam

I really suggest you call your primary doctor and get a referral to a family counselor for yourself. They deal with all kinds of family dynamics and will work with you one on one.

The situation didn't happen in a day and will take some time to get to the best place it can for you.

Best of luck.

Snowpuppy · ‎03-09-2010

Can you find a job that offers PTO (paid time off) ?

No matter what your DD does or doesn't do with her day, you are still exhausred at the end of yours.

homedecor1 · ‎03-09-2010

@Luvsmyfam

I can't imagine being resentful of my child. What I would feel if she has struggles with daily life would be thankful her father provides for her and you don't have to work another job to support her.

Personally, I think this is deeper other than "you're resentment or exhaustion".

As others have suggested talk to your doctor.