Mom to Mom

[LilacTree]

I'm talking aging moms with middle-aged children.  So that means the 70-80 year olds.

Would you say your children involve you in their lives, discuss issues with you, appreciate your experience and knowledge, and consider you an important part of their family?

Or do they keep you in the dark regarding family issues, adopt a "don't tell mom" attitude, and avoid situations where they feel you might have an opinion?

I'm not saying they don't love you, worry about you, and help you when you need it.  I'm just talking about allowing you to feel as though you are still an important part of the family and give you the respect that you always had when everyone was younger.  In other words, allow you to feel as though you are still "useful."

[hoosieroriginal]

My kids are in their 40s and have reallly never grown up - we pretty much do our own thing and live in different states.  The drama no longer exists.  Yay!

[LilacTree]

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@hoosieroriginal wrote:

My kids are in their 40s and have reallly never grown up - we pretty much do our own thing and live in different states.  The drama no longer exists.  Yay!

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@hoosieroriginal

Hah!!  Cute!

[mac116]

I am not 70-80 yet, but my sons are both 40+ years old.  I feel very useful to them, and they are kind and attentive...BUT, they do not include me in the decisions that they make for their families.  That is okay with me!  My mother and mother-in-law were both very "interested" in all of the decisions for our family.  They were always ready to add their two cents, and at the time it felt intrusive and critical.  I was one of those, "Don't tell Mom/your mother".  I am happy with our relationship.  We see each other at least once a week, so I feel blessed with how things are.

[LilacTree]

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@mac116 wrote:

I am not 70-80 yet, but my sons are both 40+ years old.  I feel very useful to them, and they are kind and attentive...BUT, they do not include me in the decisions that they make for their families.  That is okay with me!  My mother and mother-in-law were both very "interested" in all of the decisions for our family.  They were always ready to add their two cents, and at the time it felt intrusive and critical.  I was one of those, "Don't tell Mom/your mother".  I am happy with our relationship.  We see each other at least once a week, so I feel blessed with how things are.

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@mac116

I knew I should have included a reference to "interfering moms."  I do not mean those moms who think they should know everything and stick their noses into everyone's business in a negative way and get angry and upset when their "advice" is not taken.

I could never be that kind of mom because I've been there, done that.  My ex's mother came down to "help" when my last little girl was born because my own mom was already way too sick. 

She became very intrusive because she wondered why I stayed in the hospital for a week instead of just a few days.  I had had my tubes tied which was against her religious beliefs.  She kept asking me why I was in the hospital so long and I finally told my ex to tell her the truth. 

I had had four babies in four and a half years and was done.  It was my decision that I had to force my ex to sign a release (that's how it was in those days).  And then she started on me and kept it up until she went home.

That was just one of the many, many intrusions into my life from his whole family, but mostly her.  I'll never regret having those babies, but did not want to wind up with eleven and seven as his two sisters had. 

That is not the kind of involvement I'm discussing here . . .

[dex]

I just turned 62 today so I am not yet in the age category you are talking about but my son does still talk over many things with me.I think the key is that I never expect him to take my advice or recomendations...his life and his choicesHe owns his own destiny but I do still worry over his health so I am sure I only get the watered down version for my own good.I still feel that I am important to my son but I am not his main priority and don't expect to be.I know I could count on him if I needed to though as he also knows the same goes from me.

[LilacTree]

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@dex wrote:

I just turned 62 today so I am not yet in the age category you are talking about but my son does still talk over many things with me.I think the key is that I never expect him to take my advice or recomendations...his life and his choicesHe owns his own destiny but I do still worry over his health so I am sure I only get the watered down version for my own good.I still feel that I am important to my son but I am not his main priority and don't expect to be.I know I could count on him if I needed to though as he also knows the same goes from me.

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@dex

That sounds like an excellent relationship to me.

[Sooner]

I think it is normal for the torch to pass in families.  I think the "children" in their 40's and up assume more and more of the lead role in a family.  I saw that happen in my father's family as he assumed that role of go-to person and his father stepped back.  I think that is natural.  People in the prime of life are more attuned to the issues of the day, more vigorous, etc.  At least one would hope that is the way it would be.

So no, I would think that the oldest generation would blissfully be more out of the loop in common problems and decisions that don't require their input.  And I would want it that way.  I would want to be a little left out of the issues, concerns, and worries in my later years.  It's a reward.

[Imadickens]

I'm not that mom yet, but, yes, I included mine in everything! That's just the kind of family we always were!

[LilacTree]

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@Sooner wrote:

I think it is normal for the torch to pass in families.  I think the "children" in their 40's and up assume more and more of the lead role in a family.  I saw that happen in my father's family as he assumed that role of go-to person and his father stepped back.  I think that is natural.  People in the prime of life are more attuned to the issues of the day, more vigorous, etc.  At least one would hope that is the way it would be.

So no, I would think that the oldest generation would blissfully be more out of the loop in common problems and decisions that don't require their input.  And I would want it that way.  I would want to be a little left out of the issues, concerns, and worries in my later years.  It's a reward.

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@Sooner

It's difficult to see them all upset and not know why.  I guess that's a fault of mine.