Mom to Mom

[Mz iMac]

@Ditzydori  "he was living in various homes for recovering drug addicts "

If you want to help him find a place to stay, drive him to the nearest home for recovering drug addicts.  

[katie1859]

I had a situation with a step son years ago
Drugs and alcohol
My husband couldn’t be reconciled to do something as head of our home and his son
Was a train wreck

I knew he needed counseling and leadership
He also need a drug program
So I called The Salvation Army
They had a program for in house rehabilitation
Many of their major city facilities
My step son ultimately went to the one in Milwaukee
Salvation Army has many resources

[shoekitty]

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@Ditzydori wrote:

We already made our decision but any other advice is appreciated. 

I recently married a wonderful man.  He has two step sons, which he raised, but never adopted them. He loves them dearly and vice versa. 

they are sweet men and treat me with tremendous respect. So all is well. Except the younger son has a drug problem. He's been clean for almost a year and we're praying it sticks this time. 

He seems to not be able to stay in one place. He leaves because "they did this or they didn't do that". He found this very nice woman 12 years his senior and a traveling nurse. He's 34, she was 46 but one couldn't tell the age difference. 

so now she had an assignment in North Carolina. We're in Florida. He went with her. She was supposed to be there for a year.  

the other day he just decides he doesn't want to be there anymore and calls his brother to come get him. His brother just got married in April. 

He just decides to come back with no plans of where to live or a job.  🤷🏻‍♀️

he's been staying with his brother, but apparently he can't continue to stay there. Now he's asked us if he could stay with us "for a little while" 😳

let me say, although he's a sweet man and has a very good heart, his addictive behavior is real. He stole a gold ring from my jewelry box but felt bad and repurchased it to return it to me. 

hubby told him no, he can't stay with us. I infactially agreed. Truly we don't have an extra bedroom, per se. the extra bedroom has half of my clothes in it and I keep other stuff in there. But that's not the point. We simply don't want our adult son living with us. 

now one could say he's family and needs help. True. But I see it as enabling his disability. He handled his return here very immaturely. He should have thought it out. Prior to his going to NC he was living in various homes for recovering  drug addicts and then he met the traveling nurse and was living with her. 

I feel in my heart we did the right thing. But what other way can we help him. I'm thinking looking for a place for him to stay.  Hopefully he can find a job. He's worked as a waiter and bar tender so that's an easy find. And he has a very out going personality.

im thanking God that my hubby was the one who initially told him no to living here. I hope this young man can get his act together eventually. I really do. 

thougnts?

@@just my opinion but I would have a few options, which I am sure you have considered.  He need to stay in meetings with a sponser.  I woukd have him evaluated to see therapist.  Good for guidance and sharing.  He can stay in a sober house somewhere.  I wouldn't accommodate him.  You did right IMO.   No storing stuff in garage, side yard anywhere.  Sounds like the poor guy has issues completing anything.  No follow through. Also, I imagine his girlfriend gave him the boot.   Unless he gets help, there is no hope.  Unfortunately I have known men like this throughout my life. They were acquaintances, or friends of friends. Omg, once I let one of these men , a friends old boyfriend, stay for a night,  IT WAS THREE NIGHTS, THEN 7.  lol omg, it was like that book, Give A Mouse A Cookie!!!!   He had every trick down to a science til we caught on.  One was he would seemingly fall asleep in chair, and we couldn't wake him up. lol.  This fellow woukd up landing in jail for a long time, got out and made something of himself.  But that took about 9 years after I met him.   Some are 70 years old living with relatives and friends here and there until they get boot. Always someone's  else's fault. Always, every one is shafting them.   Goes hand and hand with alcoholism and drug addiction.  Sadly. Hope he gets help he needs. Sounds like he has some support

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[shoekitty]

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@katie1859 wrote:
I had a situation with a step son years ago
Drugs and alcohol
My husband couldn’t be reconciled to do something as head of our home and his son
Was a train wreck

I knew he needed counseling and leadership
He also need a drug program
So I called The Salvation Army
They had a program for in house rehabilitation
Many of their major city facilities
My step son ultimately went to the one in Milwaukee
Salvation Army has many resources

@katie1859  Salvation Army is marvelous.  They can clean them up, have the men earn privileges, put them to work, teach a vocation if they reach milestones. That is great idea. 

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[CalminHeart]

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@Ditzydori wrote:

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One of my sons was an addict so I offer my experience.

Your stepson sounds like he's hanging on by his fingernails. He may have stopped using drugs but he hasn't changed his brain from its drug addled thinking.

I'm a firm believer in tough love. I would not let him move back home unless he was committed to getting better.

Committment to getting better requires serious therapy and ongoing drug treatment, even multiple NA meetings a week,  If he won't take responsibility for getting better, I would not allow him to come home.

My son went through treatment twice as a minor. Neither worked because I made him go rather than him wanting to go. He came to me at the start of the 2nd semester of his freshman year in college asking for help. He was treated in the ER and in treatment within hours. Treatment was 5 days a week for 4 months. He stayed with me during this time. 

He got clean that time. I attended the family classes once a week. The counselor said it took my son 4 weeks for form a coherent sentence.

He flunked his first year of college so I didn't pay for more college. Tough love. He took out student loans to finish. He graduated magna c-m laude and went on to get his MSW. He's a therapist with emphasis on addictions. He's taken a lot of classes toward a PhD.

It's been 18 years since he got clean. He's a top therapist in the area. He got married this year, owns a home, and is happy. I'm so proud of him. 

[shoekitty]

@CalminHeart  I love to hear those stories!  I too believe in tough love.  People with an addiction are master manipulators to get what they need.  They have to want to be clean, I know so many inspiring stories of adults and young adults coming clean and going to sober productive lives. It is a huge climb, but can be done.   Sometimes there are do overs, eventually it can stick.  If it doesn't ,there is a certain fate awaiting sadly.   I have great empathy for young adults who clean up, and go to sober loves.  It is hard so young, with temptations everywhere, especially high school and college. It takes great strength. Kudos to your son. It is especially hard here where I live to get into treatment.  Unless it is private facility, there is a long waiting list.  It can take a while to get accepted, but the program is thourough.  They go onto different sober houses as they pass milestones , etc.one of my long time friends son, has had a long time road, but finally at 50 he has been sover for 4 years, and found his niche managing a sober house, as well as working outside the home. It happens, his mom was just beside herself for years.  But, important thing, it did happen. 

[CalminHeart]

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@shoekitty wrote:

@CalminHeart  I love to hear those stories!  I too believe in tough love.  People with an addiction are master manipulators to get what they need.  They have to want to be clean, I know so many inspiring stories of adults and young adults coming clean and going to sober productive lives. It is a huge climb, but can be done.   Sometimes there are do overs, eventually it can stick.  If it doesn't ,there is a certain fate awaiting sadly.   I have great empathy for young adults who clean up, and go to sober loves.  It is hard so young, with temptations everywhere, especially high school and college. It takes great strength. Kudos to your son. It is especially hard here where I live to get into treatment.  Unless it is private facility, there is a long waiting list.  It can take a while to get accepted, but the program is thourough.  They go onto different sober houses as they pass milestones , etc.one of my long time friends son, has had a long time road, but finally at 50 he has been sover for 4 years, and found his niche managing a sober house, as well as working outside the home. It happens, his mom was just beside herself for years.  But, important thing, it did happen. 

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I'm glad your friend's son is now clean. It has to be a huge relief to your friend.

My son has been clean for 18 years. Back then, there were a few places for addiction recovery in the metro area. Now, sadly, it's nearly impossible because addiction and mental health care budgets have been slashed to nearly nothing. Very sad.

[Ditzydori]

thanks for all your replies and advice. I so appreciate it. 

[Jrzgirl]

Re:  The Salvation Army-  their program is called the ARC (Adult Rehabilitation Center)

You need to be clean & sober to enter the program.  There is NO charge for this.

The clothing/furniture/bric-a-brac etc. donations that are given to the Salvation Army & is sold at their stores funds the program.

[shoekitty]

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@CalminHeart wrote:

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@shoekitty wrote:

@CalminHeart  I love to hear those stories!  I too believe in tough love.  People with an addiction are master manipulators to get what they need.  They have to want to be clean, I know so many inspiring stories of adults and young adults coming clean and going to sober productive lives. It is a huge climb, but can be done.   Sometimes there are do overs, eventually it can stick.  If it doesn't ,there is a certain fate awaiting sadly.   I have great empathy for young adults who clean up, and go to sober loves.  It is hard so young, with temptations everywhere, especially high school and college. It takes great strength. Kudos to your son. It is especially hard here where I live to get into treatment.  Unless it is private facility, there is a long waiting list.  It can take a while to get accepted, but the program is thourough.  They go onto different sober houses as they pass milestones , etc.one of my long time friends son, has had a long time road, but finally at 50 he has been sover for 4 years, and found his niche managing a sober house, as well as working outside the home. It happens, his mom was just beside herself for years.  But, important thing, it did happen. 

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I'm glad your friend's son is now clean. It has to be a huge relief to your friend.

My son has been clean for 18 years. Back then, there were a few places for addiction recovery in the metro area. Now, sadly, it's nearly impossible because addiction and mental health care budgets have been slashed to nearly nothing. Very sad.

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@CalminHeart   I agree, programs are less and less.  Yet the need has grown and extended.  I have a mentally I'll brother who Jada home we loved, but due to illness he had to go to hospital. Then hospital to convalescent home. Where he has sat since April, waiting for a facility to get into. The place he is in doesn't take long term, and his other home can't take him back due to medical issues.  No win situation. Everything stopped 2 months ago.  No where to go.  Most places closed during Covid, now what.  Sad indeed.  But something will come along. At least the place he is on is close by and great facility@,