Mom to Mom

[Ditzydori]

We already made our decision but any other advice is appreciated. 

I recently married a wonderful man.  He has two step sons, which he raised, but never adopted them. He loves them dearly and vice versa. 

they are sweet men and treat me with tremendous respect. So all is well. Except the younger son has a drug problem. He's been clean for almost a year and we're praying it sticks this time. 

He seems to not be able to stay in one place. He leaves because "they did this or they didn't do that". He found this very nice woman 12 years his senior and a traveling nurse. He's 34, she was 46 but one couldn't tell the age difference. 

so now she had an assignment in North Carolina. We're in Florida. He went with her. She was supposed to be there for a year.  

the other day he just decides he doesn't want to be there anymore and calls his brother to come get him. His brother just got married in April. 

He just decides to come back with no plans of where to live or a job.  🤷🏻‍♀️

he's been staying with his brother, but apparently he can't continue to stay there. Now he's asked us if he could stay with us "for a little while" 😳

let me say, although he's a sweet man and has a very good heart, his addictive behavior is real. He stole a gold ring from my jewelry box but felt bad and repurchased it to return it to me. 

hubby told him no, he can't stay with us. I infactially agreed. Truly we don't have an extra bedroom, per se. the extra bedroom has half of my clothes in it and I keep other stuff in there. But that's not the point. We simply don't want our adult son living with us. 

now one could say he's family and needs help. True. But I see it as enabling his disability. He handled his return here very immaturely. He should have thought it out. Prior to his going to NC he was living in various homes for recovering  drug addicts and then he met the traveling nurse and was living with her. 

I feel in my heart we did the right thing. But what other way can we help him. I'm thinking looking for a place for him to stay.  Hopefully he can find a job. He's worked as a waiter and bar tender so that's an easy find. And he has a very out going personality.

im thanking God that my hubby was the one who initially told him no to living here. I hope this young man can get his act together eventually. I really do. 

thougnts?

[Goldengate8361]

@Ditzydori @You absolutely made the right decision. The loving thing to do is to NOT enable him. He's a grown man. I'm quite sure that this is what Dr. Phil would say, too (I've watched a lot of Dr Phil and this is a classic situation that is on those shows). Hang in there! You and your husband seem to have good sense. 

[Laura14]

I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

He won't get his act together until someone steps up like you and your husband did and forces him to behave his way to adulthood. Kudos to you both for not enabling him. If he has no choice but to pull it together, he should figure it out like he has in the past. At 34, he should know the drill. 

If he truly needs a helping hand and you and your husband want to do something for him, I would help in finding a room for him to rent or actually the job opportunity has to come first unless you guys want to put up three months' rent (co-sign nothing) to give him a running start and then it's on him to either keep it going or not. 

You and your husband sound like wonderful parents even if he can't appreciate it all the time yet. 

[millieshops]

@Ditzydori  My first thought is that you'll do well to support your husband's decision.

[Kachina624]

It seems to me, the young man need some serious counseling to help him find direction and purpose in his life.  I'd try to find a counselor through an agency like the United Way that charges on a sliding scale.

He's floundering and could easily slip back into his old habits.

Edited to add..Id be quick about my suggedtion too.you know the old saying, "the devil makes use of idle hands".

I also agree y'all absolutely did the right thing.

[ThinkingOutLoud]

First, addiction affects emotional development meaning that if someone starts using drugs at 16 for instance, they're only 30 according to the calendar so keep that in mind. 

Instead of just saying a flat 'no', having him come up with a solid plan could've spurred him to think some things through. For example, having him share where he's looking for work, how many hours will be spent working, what percent of earnings will go to savings, how much would he pay for room and board, what will he do to help around the house, how often will he go to counseling/a 12 step program to stay in recovery, etc. Then if what he had in mind sounded  reasonable, you could've then offerred a hand up and supported him in that (ie "as long as you stick to this, you can stay with us for 3 months"). This way, he has an option instead of just being left on his own when he could use some structured support. 

[FranandZoe]

I've been through this with my own step-son.  And you and your husband have definitely done the right thing by not allowing him to move in with you.  Trust me.

My hubby and I helped - really enabled - my step-son for many many years.  He went to rehab many times.  He finally got sober but his life is still a mess.  He never really changed.  

Don't even "look for a place" for him to live.  You'll be the ones paying for it.  The more you do the less they do.  Maybe encourage him to go to Narcotics Anonymous.

Plus the fact that he already stole from you should be a real warning.  I wouldn't trust him.  My step-son  stole so much from us, from his wife, even from his young son.  

[Desert Lily]

First, I agree that you did the right thing by not allowing him to move in with you. If he has a key to your home, I'd change the locks since he's stolen in the past.

Perhaps you might think about finding a rental room for him and paying for it directly for 3 months, to give him time to find a job. If he has no $, order weekly or bi-weekly groceries for him online and have them delivered to his rental. I wouldn't give him any access to any $ of yours. Pay his room & board directly, nothing to him. That way you can be sure he's taken care of temporarily.

Perhaps he could be told that you'd pay only the 1st month of his rental room & groceries but that he must prove to you that he's actively seeking employment and is clean.

The 2nd & 3rd months could be paid by you (or not) only if he's really looking for work & behaves responsibly.

I agree with @Kachina624  that he needs counseling & that a service like United Way or some other organization would be good.

[Ditzydori]

Thanks sooo much for all your replies. He has sort councilors. In fact this evening he has an appointment with his sponsor. He stopped ny just a few moments ago and no mention of anything. 

im just praying hard he gets his act together. My hubby is such a good man and will definitely do the right thing. If he needs groceries, I'm Italian, he can go shopping in my pantry. 🤣🤣. 

He has the desire to do the right thing and gets that he has a big problem.  We will stand firm in not enabling him and encourage him to move in the right direction of maturity. 

not an easy road ahead.  Reading all your posts helped me a lot. 

[pdlinda]

@Ditzydori   My most fervent suggestion is that you and your husband JOIN ALANON ASAP. 

That 12-step Recovery group is for "families of alcoholics (or substance abusers)"...they have meetings all over the Country intended for people who have family members who struggle with drug addiction.

The wisdom and practical suggestions you'll be able to get from people going through the same thing you're going through is priceless and may be life changing.