Mom to Mom

[LilacTree]

Just read this and thought some of you might agree with this writer.  I do.  It's a little long but hits the mark.  I feel bad for today's mothers.  We didn't have to raise our children this way in the 60s. 

EXCUSE ME WHILE I LATHER MY CHILD IN THIS TOXIC DEATH CREAM

It’s Memorial Day weekend. We are up at the cabin with family. A time where we are supposed to be resting and relaxing. A time of thankfulness. A time of remembering those who have given their lives for our freedom.

My husband has been working overtime and doing freelance work so we’ve been looking forward to this trip for weeks. We even bought our twin 2-year-olds their first fishing poles and planned a treasure hunt.

And then there’s me.

A massive ball of, “just take me to the sanitarium.”

I mean, one of my boys just looked at me and said, “Mama’s tired.” Yes. Yes, Bennett. Mama is tired. Mama is reeeaaal tired. I do my best to keep my emotional issues from my boys but they are getting older and more perceptive and there is only so much “fake it ‘til ya make it” I can get away with. And I am realizing that you don’t just have to have a mental illness like I do for this to be an issue. This world will make you crazy if you aren’t there already.

I am dead serious.

We are all just out there slogging it out. Doing our best to raise our kids. To keep them safe. To protect them from the big bad world.

But what happens when the world tells you that you are the problem? That you’re not being careful enough. Aware enough. Diligent enough.

That was my biggest fear coming into motherhood. In fact, for a majority of my life I was adamant that I was not going to have children. I didn’t think, given my own childhood and my issues with anxiety and depression, that I would be fit for the job. And I think the current cultural climate does not help. Too many rules. And honestly, by these standards, no one is fit.

The night before we left I read an article about a study that had been done about the worst types of sunscreen to use on children and adults. Sure enough, the stuff I just bought a while back was number one and number two. Of course. Of course it is. Do I throw it out and waste the $30, which is no small sum for us? Then go out and buy the good stuff, the lotion made by tiny fairy angels who infuse it with love and eternal life, for the low low price of my left ovary? And, by the by, it’s only available in California, because that’s where the fairy angels live. Or do I go ahead and lather my children up in this toxic death cream because I obviously, according to this article, don’t care about them?

I hate life.

I am tired, people. And it’s not just because my husband is working a lot. Or because I have twin toddlers that only function at 0% or 120%. They live on what I like to call, Captain Me Planet. There is zero visibility and they are flying at 100 mph anyways. No big deal. I got this.

Please don’t call CPS.

I am just sick and tired of all the rules. Rules about food. Rules about hygiene. Rules about clothing. Rules about schooling/education. Rules about development. Rules about medication. Rules about sleep methods/co-sleeping. Rules about playtime. Rules about friends. Rules about car seats. Rules about breastfeeding. Rules about child-wearing. Rules about television. Rules about the rules.

And you can exchange other words for rules. Opinions. Lessons. Studies. Guidelines. Lists. Programs. Beliefs. Standards. Policies. Ad nauseam.

I’ve had it. Please, and I mean this from the bottom of my overly exhausted heart, take your scientific pie chart and shove it.

I never realized in all the years of my anxiety and worrying about having kids, that maybe I would not be the problem after all. That loving my boys and doing my best to just provide for them with the resources that are available to me, without losing my mind or breaking the bank, was what a responsible parent looks like.

That being bi-polar or on medication is not what would keep me up at night. Instead I’m awake wondering if I washed the boys’ new clothes we just bought before they wore them today because I read an article about them having toxic chemicals in them that are bad for their skin.

Can we just go ahead and say that everything everywhere is trying to kill us? Always? And just get it over with? Move on? We’re all gonna die someday anyhow. This has gotten out of hand.

Instead, I want to feed my children one meal. Just one meal, and not have that little voice in the back of my head gnawing at me about whether or not what they are ingesting is possibly the feast of Satan. I just don’t know it yet because I haven’t had the time in my super flexible schedule to research all the ingredients on the packaging.

I am not saying being pro-active is wrong. I am not saying caring about these issues is wrong. I am not saying having a voice is wrong. Do what you can. When you can. I know I do. For all you mamas knocking it out of the park with this stuff, right on. You have my utmost respect. Truly. You are to be commended.

I’m just tired. Tired of it all. I look at my boys when I put them to bed every night and they are the sweetest, happiest, healthiest people that I have ever met. So far, they are the best thing I have ever done. This is the one thing in my life that I know that I’m getting right. Whether the latest mommy trends agree or not. And sometimes I wish I lived in a time where I wasn’t inundated with these daily articles.

My father and stepmother run an after care facility for trafficked children in Thailand. Two weeks ago they took in a 3-year-old. I repeat, a 3-year-old. She has never spoken and is completely malnourished. Only God knows what she has seen, endured. Meanwhile, we here in the west are getting bent out of shape about what time we put our kids to bed.

Perspective.

So that’s it. Post all the scathing articles. Share the latest revelations. I’ll pass for now. Life is hard enough. I’m going to live and soak in each moment with my boys instead. When I see, “10 Things You Had No Idea Were In The Air You Are Breathing Right Now,” or, “Did You Know That Opening Your Eyeballs Can Be Fatal?” I am going to shut my computer and go to sleep. And dream about our next camping trip. Or hiking adventure. Because I’m tired. Really, really, tired. And I’m more interested in living each day with my children than dying with them.

Thank you and good night.

This post originally appeared on Sarah Kallies’ website.

[jaxs mom]

I don't know her personally but she sounds like me and the other moms I know when we really don't give a flip what the self appointed authorities think. They have become like the adults in a Peanuts cartoon, all I hear is blah blah blah. I never felt the pressure though, I'm the parent not anyone else. They can KMA. 

[on the bay]

Even though we may know more now and read more now about the health of our food, our environment, I do remember reading so many books, perspectives and realizing that how I felt and my instincts as a mother mattered most of all and were the only ones that I felt comfortable with. I also thought that I couldn't read one more person's "expert" opinion and really take it as "expert".

My most important rule became, a mother's instinct is usually right on when it comes to her kids.

(to include like she stated, that we may come to informed decisions by reading many different things and reaching our own conclusions)

Today, I don't think we can take the "agreed upon" majority opinion of doctors, experts etc without researching a lot ourselves. Now it seems we can't always trust the experts, the fda, the drug companies; we don't know if what they say is true or at our best interests. I didn't just go along with the experts back then, but I would be even more diligent in doing my own research now. I question more now, whether as a new mom or for myself or others in my family.

 So maybe you are right, that 50 some years ago, people didn't worry so much or have to investigate so much.

(I was sort of in between these 2 generations in raising children)

And I may have tried things that a dr or expert said to do, but quickly realized they weren't right for me.

it seems like she did not start with a lot of self esteem or confidence (and maybe a lot of mothers don't), but gained it towards the end. And I'm glad to see she feels her kids are happy and healthy and is going to enjoy the living with them day to day.

I would change some of the things I did back then, knowing what I know now, but overall I feel I did the best or more that I knew how and thats all we can ask of ourselves. I know we all hope that is enough.

[jaxs mom]

Yes, I think that there are people that are more comfortable letting someone else decide and they just do what they are told ( my mom is like that, she never questions the Drs) and then there are people that don't automatically accept something because XYZ said so. That doesn't mean that I didn't care about health or safety. It just means I researched different opinions and then decided what to do. I also homeschooled my kids. 

[LilacTree]

---

@on the bay wrote:

Even though we may know more now and read more now about the health of our food, our environment, I do remember reading so many books, perspectives and realizing that how I felt and my instincts as a mother mattered most of all and were the only ones that I felt comfortable with. I also thought that I couldn't read one more person's "expert" opinion and really take it as "expert".

My most important rule became, a mother's instinct is usually right on when it comes to her kids.

(to include like she stated, that we may come to informed decisions by reading many different things and reaching our own conclusions)

Today, I don't think we can take the "agreed upon" majority opinion of doctors, experts etc without researching a lot ourselves. Now it seems we can't always trust the experts, the fda, the drug companies; we don't know if what they say is true or at our best interests. I didn't just go along with the experts back then, but I would be even more diligent in doing my own research now. I question more now, whether as a new mom or for myself or others in my family.

 So maybe you are right, that 50 some years ago, people didn't worry so much or have to investigate so much.

(I was sort of in between these 2 generations in raising children)

And I may have tried things that a dr or expert said to do, but quickly realized they weren't right for me.

it seems like she did not start with a lot of self esteem or confidence (and maybe a lot of mothers don't), but gained it towards the end. And I'm glad to see she feels her kids are happy and healthy and is going to enjoy the living with them day to day.

I would change some of the things I did back then, knowing what I know now, but overall I feel I did the best or more that I knew how and thats all we can ask of ourselves. I know we all hope that is enough.

---

Anyone reading this who knows me knows I don't trust the medical profession. I research everything and don't just take a doctor's word for meds and other treatments.  And that is something I always did even before the Internet. I used to buy Mayo Clinic and Merck's yearly (huge, thick) manuals and everyone in my family used to call me to look up information. 

However, I accepted that food was fit to eat, and didn't even conceive of seat belts and a lot of the other issues the author brought up.  We had a station wagon and when we went on a trip we threw pillows and blankets in the back of it and all four of our kids.  I'm not saying that was okay, I'm just saying that's how we all did it then.

There was just so much less stress is where I guess I'm going here.  So I agree with you, @on the bay.

[jaxs mom]

I don't know didn't the 50s generation grow up with those under the desk bomb threats drills and bomb shelters? I remember seeing some videos of that. We just had to worry about earthquakes and that was regional and I'm sure still going on. My moms generation worried about my uncles being drafted, I didn't even know men had to still register for selective service until I was a parent myself. It just never occured to me nor did any of the young men I knew talk about it because no one was worried about being drafted. 

[LilacTree]

---

@jaxs mom wrote:

I don't know didn't the 50s generation grow up with those under the desk bomb threats drills and bomb shelters? I remember seeing some videos of that. We just had to worry about earthquakes and that was regional and I'm sure still going on. My moms generation worried about my uncles being drafted, I didn't even know men had to still register for selective service until I was a parent myself. It just never occured to me nor did any of the young men I knew talk about it because no one was worried about being drafted. 

---

We grew up in the 50s and never worried about the "bomb."  We would ask our mom if that was going to happen and she would say "no, no honey, that's not ever going to happen," and her word was gospel.  No one around us was building a bomb shelter and we never watched the news (it was boring to us) though our parents did.  I'll never know what my mom really thought, but she did her job keeping us unafraid.  If mom said it wasn't going to happen, then it wasn't going to happen.

Kids today don't have that protection anymore.  They carry all the bad news around with them every day.

ETA:  And I don't remember ever getting under my desk.

[on the bay]

I do remember getting under desks and also the drill where we crouched against the wall. That was all routine. I don't remember being scared until the Cuban Missile Crisis or was it the Bay of Pigs? -no I think the Cuban Missile Crisis. Even though we were still in elementary school we were very aware of politics (our parents and therefore we) were either for Nixon or Kennedy passionately before all this.

So we all were waiting for the bus and all aware that at any moment our whole world and us could be ended, blown to never never land.And rejoicing when it didn't happen!

I do remember being awed by that but I still can't imagine what it is like for parents of young children today and all the fears of even sending them to school!

I can just imagine me saying oh no you are staying home.

Though even my kids had bomb threats at their schools (and they didn't tell us about it, neither the administration, news or kids until much later, cause there were so many!)

I guess there are fears unfortunately in every generation, some we probably forget or like us took for granted.

Sometimes I think it is harder for adults because we are more aware of reality, but in a childs world, maybe we feel it will all be okay.

[LilacTree]

---

@on the bay wrote:

I do remember getting under desks and also the drill where we crouched against the wall. That was all routine. I don't remember being scared until the Cuban Missile Crisis or was it the Bay of Pigs? -no I think the Cuban Missile Crisis. Even though we were still in elementary school we were very aware of politics (our parents and therefore we) were either for Nixon or Kennedy passionately before all this.

So we all were waiting for the bus and all aware that at any moment our whole world and us could be ended, blown to never never land.And rejoicing when it didn't happen!

I do remember being awed by that but I still can't imagine what it is like for parents of young children today and all the fears of even sending them to school!

I can just imagine me saying oh no you are staying home.

Though even my kids had bomb threats at their schools (and they didn't tell us about it, neither the administration, news or kids until much later, cause there were so many!)

I guess there are fears unfortunately in every generation, some we probably forget or like us took for granted.

Sometimes I think it is harder for adults because we are more aware of reality, but in a childs world, maybe we feel it will all be okay.

---

I remember the Cuban Missile Crisis very well.  My sailor brother was on one of those ships.  We were scared to death . . . everyone.  We really thought it was all over.  I was the mother of two babies at that time.

[colliegirls]

I was so young but remember bomb drills, getting under the desks and in the hallway, and we had to walk home quickly in a drill to see how long it would take us in an emergency. I remember feeling scared.