Would this make you uncomfortable? - Page 2

chickenbutt · ‎03-09-2010

I'd probably be fine with it because it is something I might do. If I am hosting, I'll do the work and be happy to do so. I don't even want people to help do dishes and, for goodness sake, if the invite says 'please don't bring anything but yourselves', DON'T bring anything!

Sometimes I think it's ok to let somebody make the party if they are hosting and want to do it. Then, when it's somebody else's turn, THEY can do the work.

All that said, I'm not going to step on your feelings because you are entitled to them. Maybe a phone call to her saying that if she needs anything, or any help, please do feel free to give me a ring and I'd be glad to help out.

betteb · ‎03-09-2010

On 11/19/2014 house_cat said:
She is not in the least mean spirited.. a control freak, perhaps, but a sweet lady. We are all going to split the costs. I am uncomfortable because I am the one who recognized this as a big birthday and got the ball rolling on planning a special day. This other woman took control. I don't care who gets credit for the whole thing, I'm just uncomfortable with not contributing anything other than money - that's not usually my style.

I suggested that we all bring something for brunch, but she made it clear that she wanted to prepare it all herself. That said, I chose to thank her for hosting, asked for her estimate on the cost so we can give her the money up front. I guess I'll just leave it at that.

If that is the case, I think you did the right thing, but I do understand how you feel.Enjoy Smile

It's God's job to judge the terrorists. It's our mission to arrange the meeting. U.S. Marines

goodstuff · ‎03-09-2010

On 11/19/2014 house_cat said:
She is not in the least mean spirited.. a control freak, perhaps, but a sweet lady. We are all going to split the costs. I am uncomfortable because I am the one who recognized this as a big birthday and got the ball rolling on planning a special day. This other woman took control. I don't care who gets credit for the whole thing, I'm just uncomfortable with not contributing anything other than money - that's not usually my style.

I suggested that we all bring something for brunch, but she made it clear that she wanted to prepare it all herself. That said, I chose to thank her for hosting, asked for her estimate on the cost so we can give her the money up front. I guess I'll just leave it at that.

If you are all splitting the costs, she isn't really "doing it all herself"; all of you are giving the party. I'd offer again to help set up, bring a dish, whatever........but if your friend is determined to handle all the preparations herself, I'd show up, pay your share, bring a nice gift for your friend, and enjoy the party! Since your friend lives an hour away, it may be logistically easier for her to handle the preparations, and let's face it -- some hosts are just happier and more comfortable when they handle events in their homes themselves. Let go and have a good time!

bluejeansluvr · ‎03-09-2010

I think that's the best thing too. Just let the woman do the party and offer to split the cost.

Perhaps, a few days before, you can take your BFF to a private lunch, or out to a mani/pedi appointment, just the two of you, to celebrate her 70th birthday if really want to give her a gift that's just from you for her very special day.

chick b · ‎06-13-2010

On 11/19/2014 house_cat said:
She is not in the least mean spirited.. a control freak, perhaps, but a sweet lady. We are all going to split the costs. I am uncomfortable because I am the one who recognized this as a big birthday and got the ball rolling on planning a special day. This other woman took control. I don't care who gets credit for the whole thing, I'm just uncomfortable with not contributing anything other than money - that's not usually my style.

I suggested that we all bring something for brunch, but she made it clear that she wanted to prepare it all herself. That said, I chose to thank her for hosting, asked for her estimate on the cost so we can give her the money up front. I guess I'll just leave it at that.

I understand your discomfort, house_cat. I actually have pulled back from a close friend over the years because of her controlling behavior; it just became too difficult to feel like I was not being heard - or worse, thinking my feelings were just being discarded.

If you feel comfortable with it I would broach the subject again, letting the woman know how important it is for you to give something of substance to your friend on her special day. Otherwise I think imaclotheshog had a nice idea regarding arranging an event for you & your friend alone.

LeaLeander · ‎03-14-2010

Many people don't like potluck or a mishmash of contributions. When I host I am going for a specific ambiance, a specific look to the table and decor and a specific menu of carefully chosen items (including quality of the original ingredients) to complement one another and the occasion. Your friend may have similar notions of hosting.

Why not allow her the courtesy of trusting her to do a fine job of it? Nothing annoys me more than when someone insists on forcing their food into my menu under the guise of "being polite." It's more polite to acede to the host's wishes.

Have we really sunk so low as a society that someone with the goodwill, energy and thoughtfulness to do a thorough and traditional job of hosting (rather than simply organizing a slapped-together potluck under her roof) is now seen as a "control freak" or a bad friend out to undermine the rest of you and snatch all the credit for herself?

How pathetic.

jackthebear · ‎03-11-2010

Let her do it.

I was reading on Dear Abby or one of those sites that we have got away from people hosting a dinner party, and thats guests feel they have to "bring something", when in fact the host wants to plan a specific menu and event without the unwanted foods and other things showing up.

Offer to chip in with expenses and send thank you notes and perhaps some flowers afterwards

Have fun, it sounds lovely.