Kitchen

[Sooner]

I'm pretty strict on visitors I guess!  Dinner is set at a certain time, so I tell people to come 30 to 45 minutes before, and at the appointed time we will eat.  If someone is late, I'll wait until the dinner starts to get cold--maybe 20 minutes?  Then we eat.  

I work hard on a meal and it's going to get served when it is in good shape. Unless of course an emergency. 

[Harvard99]

@Rockycoast@pattypeep @chickenbutt @house_cat @stevieb @chrystaltree @Sooner @aroc3435 @chloe66 @Bird mama @RedTop@ @Sweetbay magnolia @LIndaMJ @ECBG @Citrine1 @house_cat@ @Witchy Woman @stevieb  and others I may have missed.  

I think I have finally started to breathe normally again after our Christmas dinner fiasco. All your comments really helped me get clarity and some really made me laugh, which I definitely needed.  DH is now angry at me because he doesn't get what the big deal is. Wow! Is this what they call passive-aggressive? Even my own father told me the next day, "You just have to let this stuff roll off your back, it's family, not too much you can do."  Men are a different species. You really have to look around you and clearly evaluate who is lending you mutual care and support and who isn't.

DH and I celebrated our 20 year anniversary in October so this nothing new.  But that expression about the straw that broke the camels back rings true here to me. I've been putting up with MIL and FIL's rude, crude behavior all this time and I've had more than enough. I did it for DH's sake and you would think I was making stories up if I told you some of the things they've said and done. I always think back to when his father's mother died and she left DH a minuscule amount of money.  My MIL called me to tell me that the money was intended for him, only him, not me.  And we had been married 5 or 6 years then and that was not even her mother, it was her MIL!   Why didn't I just tell her right then that it was none of her business?  I didn't and I should have.

I know the reason this had gone on and on is more about DH, not me. He's always been the good son and gone along with them, always, and doesn't know how to change things or even care to. But I admit to being a people pleaser and always wanting to fix things. But you know what they say, a weak husband is the cause of all wife and MIL problems!

There will be no more holiday getogethers here. I'm not seeing his family for a long, long time, never would be just fine with me. DH doesn't even understand how intense this may get for HIM, but considering where he came from, why am I surprised?  I'll be back to give you any updates on the 2018 Christmas dinner from HE11.

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@Rockycoast wrote:

@Harvard99  I could not imagine having in-laws like you have. God Bless you for keeping your cool. With them AND your husband! It would not have gone down that way if they were in my home. I would have asked them when I met them at the door,  Why are you here so early?  Didn't you read the invitation?  I would have put out cheese and crackers as you did(very nice of you btw) and that would have been the last they saw of me until 4:00. I would have continued the dinner prep and getting ready prep. They would have been sitting there by themselves, until I went out to get husband and told him to get inside and keep them company. End of story.  I hope you gave your husband and earful after they left and they would not be invited back again.  Like Dr. Phil has always said...you teach people how to treat you.

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[Swedish Ivy]

@Harvard99  

    You win the prize for the rudest dinner guests.  I feel so bad for you.  I would not invite them back again either and I think your husband should have spoken to his relatives about their rude behavior.  Hopefully you will have a better year in 2019. 

[Sooner]

@Harvard99  I don't think you can blame your husband.  You are the only person who controls how you react to others.

It is you, and you alone, who have to evaluate relationships and apply a worth to them.  You have to decide what actions of yours cost you and those around you.  Every action has a cost to it.

It is you who has to realistically face the situation and say what is it costing you and what would be the price to take various actions.  But all will come at a cost. 

It may be too late to change it, the dynamics have been in effect for a long time.  Maybe you can step away and not attend, maybe you can see them occasionally at a shorter time period or a more neutral site.

Whatever you do will affect your husband, so you have to think about what your actions will cost him.

Few things are also an all or nothing situation, so think carefully about what you would be happy with. 

I am sorry you are in this position, and hope something can be worked out to make it better for you.

[Isobel Archer]

@Harvard99  Once hubby went out to enjoy a beer with the neighbor, that would have done it for me.

I would have left the in-laws to fend for themselves and taken a leisurely bath.  Actually, I might also have realized that I needed to go to the store for forgotten ingredients.

You have the patience of a saint.  

[house_cat]

@Harvard99

It's good to think about setting boundaries, but remember this... when they go low, you go high.  

[Harvard99]

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@Isobel Archer wrote:

@Harvard99  Once hubby went out to enjoy a beer with the neighbor, that would have done it for me.

I would have left the in-laws to fend for themselves and taken a leisurely bath.  Actually, I might also have realized that I needed to go to the store for forgotten ingredients.

You have the patience of a saint.  

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@Isobel Archer  I wish I was able to do something like that. His parents wanted him to marry a girl he had dated from their small hometown but then he met me. I was doomed from the start. This is true: my MIL invited her to our engagement party unbeknowst to me and MIL sat next to her at that dinner. I always wanted them to care for me and it was never going to happen. I now have to change myself and just say.....NO MORE!

[chickenbutt]

When there are inlaws involved, it really complicates your ability to deal with problems.  I had this situation with my ex.   He and his mother were really nice people.  His sister and father were just awful!  I mean, truly AWFUL!

When we got divorced and, down the road, he was getting married again, one thing I told him was 'don't let your father and sister get in the middle of your stuff and create chaos.  N ip it in the bud and stand up'.   I hope he did that because those two people were destructive.  I mostly stayed out of the middle of it because I felt it was for him to correct him. 

One time, he was on the outs with his father (who I could barely stand because of the above-mentioned problems) and I actually encouraged him to get straight with his father.   I kind of hated speaking up for the guy but I felt it was right and they did get back on track again.

Heck, during that time my father gave me some grief about my husband and I just flat told him 'knock it off or this is the last you'll see of me'.  He did and everything was fine after that.  But I knew it was for me to correct things.

[sunshine45]

i invite guests at a certain time......for example, usually 7pm. i then serve sometime between 8:30pm-9pm. that timing allows for stragglers and for those who enjoy cocktail hour with heavy appetizers and conversation. i tend to serve buffet style so that if someone actually arrives even later than when i serve, food is still out and available.

have always done it that way......so have most of my friends and family. i cannot imagine sitting down to a dinner within half an hour of arriving. i like some schmoozing time.

[faeriemoon]

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@sunshine45 wrote:

i invite guests at a certain time......for example, usually 7pm. i then serve sometime between 8:30pm-9pm. that timing allows for stragglers and for those who enjoy cocktail hour with heavy appetizers and conversation. i tend to serve buffet style so that if someone actually arrives even later than when i serve, food is still out and available.

have always done it that way......so have most of my friends and family. i cannot imagine sitting down to a dinner within half an hour of arriving. i like some schmoozing time.

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Me too.  You have to shmooze!!!  I leave at least an hour for shmoozing.  I couldn't imagine inviting people over at 4 to eat, and parking them at the table immediately.  It's not a restaurant reservation, it's my house and family!!!