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[151949]

I was raised by a Mom who was neat, tidy and organized. Our house looked company ready all the time despite that she worked full time. My DH's Mom was the polar opposite. SAHM - house cluttered and messy all the time. Now I try to keep my home as my Mom did but I have found it makes my DH uncomfortable when everything is as I like it. He seems to get emotional comfort from his clutter.It relaxes him to have his junk around him.So he gets the garage and his den & his bathroom to keep as he pleases and I keep the remainder of the house as I like it to be. I don't think that the OP pertains to everyone. And I think marriage is a series of compromises.

[Sooner]

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@151949 wrote:

I was raised by a Mom who was neat, tidy and organized. Our house looked company ready all the time despite that she worked full time. My DH's Mom was the polar opposite. SAHM - house cluttered and messy all the time. Now I try to keep my home as my Mom did but I have found it makes my DH uncomfortable when everything is as I like it. He seems to get emotional comfort from his clutter.It relaxes him to have his junk around him.So he gets the garage and his den & his bathroom to keep as he pleases and I keep the remainder of the house as I like it to be. I don't think that the OP pertains to everyone. And I think marriage is a series of compromises.

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@151949  Wouldn't be more of a compromise if you two switched rooms say ever 6 months, year or 2 years?  Then you could get the garage and the den and he could have the rest of the house.  The garage and the den doesn't seem on par with the rest of the house does it?????

[151949]

@Sooner He is very content with the way things are. 

Would you allow a messy hoarder free to make a shambles of your living room and kitchen etc? And, God only knows - if I cleaned that garage or den  and threw out all his clutter - I'm sure it would stress him so much he'd have another stroke.

[Sooner]

That article is absolutely the gospel according to Sooner.  I could have written that.  I have in my 60 years and four houses cleaned out after deaths and my own house cleaned out learned all of those lessons.  I am still working on the books.

I have learned that I am not a museum.  Having aunt Sarah's sewing machine or set or glasses does not make her closer to me.  Touching them is not touching her, it is touching some glasses she had.  And mostly never used.  Why are they in my house when I don't like them either?

I have two toys from childhood.  They are small and in the back of the closet.  I threw away the knitting supplies, I hated doing it.  I used to paint, but found the mess was more irritating than the painting was enjoyable.  Now I happly have no hobbies. 

I got rid of curtains in 1979.  I hate them.  I went from mini blinds to plantation shutters.  The light streams in as I sit here typing and I can see the birds outside. They are the wide slat and easy to run the vac over or dust. 

I am not a museum.  That became my motto!  That's what I live by.  I am not a museum to myself or others. 

[Sooner]

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@151949 wrote:

@Sooner He is very content with the way things are. 

Would you allow a messy hoarder free to make a shambles of your living room and kitchen etc? And, God only knows - if I cleaned that garage or den  and threw out all his clutter - I'm sure it would stress him so much he'd have another stroke.

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@151949  Well, I guess we don't use the word "allow" with one another.  And we'd work out something where he had places for things, baskets, drawers or closets to have for his own and places where his stuff wouldn't be,  and go from there.  We think of home as both of our spaces, so we make room for one another's things.  

But if you both are happy, that's what is important!  

[Mominohio]

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@AngelPuppy1 wrote:

Wonderful article!  But some of these are difficult!  At least for me.  I am a keeper.  My husband gets rid of too much and I keep too much.  One of the things I attribute it to, is the fact that growing up, I didn't have a lot.  My parents were not well off and we got what we needed and a few treats here and there.  But when I got something I really liked -- say a new pair of shoes -- I was hesitant to wear them because I was afraid they would get ruined or worn out and then I would not get another pair!  I have this hang up now.  If 1 is good, then 2, 3 and more is better!  I feel like I am over-compensating.  

I have seen pictures of homes or actually been in people's homes and had this instant feeling of relaxation or contentment.  I couldn't even put my finger on why they made me feel this way.  Some homes were very sparse and some had a lot of stuff!  

I keep things as a way to keep me connected to times gone by, people who are no longer here, and past experiences.  

I have a strong connection to my "stuff."  I wish I didn't.  Yes, I do feel I border at times on having a problem but so far these things give me comfort!  

And as for my home being relaxing --- for the most part, it is!  I do want to get rid of some things though to make it feel even more relaxing and open! 

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@AngelPuppy1

I think you describe so many people (myself included) perfectly in this bolded paragraph. 

So many times, we are made to feel inadequate or negatively viewed because we attach such sentiment to some of our things (now I'm not talking about the hoarders you see on TV who are attached to or see some future value in an empty pizza box and won't throw it away).

I too, am on a quest to open up more space in my home, get rid of some things I don't use or have just too much of, but I, at this point refuse to go down to the bare minimum in my things, as I enjoy many of them and some are true treasures to me, as they go back generations in my family. 

Everyone is on that journey of finding the 'right' amount of stuff and it is definitely different for different people, and different for us at different times in our lives. 

But I do understand having  real emotional attachments to certain things from our past that connect us to people and places and times we fondly remember. I don't think it unreasonable, and I don't apologize for it either! LOL

[Mominohio]

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@Regal Bee wrote:

This is a great article....thanks for sharing.

 I always make our bed, keep the dirty dishes in the dishwasher and keep the laundry done. To me, these are essential to a peaceful home. 

I like everything picked up and ordered all the time and yes, it is work but worth it.

Never a television in our living room. That space is for talking and entertaining.

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@Regal Bee

I've not had a TV in the living room since my first apartment over 30 years ago. 

Even in my small first home, I made a bedroom into a TV room. I don't like TV in the living room either. I like a more formal setting, and a place for people to interact with each other.

Now we are lucky enough to have a big family room, so TV is in there. 

I like when people enter my home (which is through the front door in the living room) to see a neat and orderly room, which does't always go with having a TV and all the relaxed atmosphere that goes with watching (remotes, throws, comfortable pillows etc.)!

[Mominohio]

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@Sooner wrote:

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@151949 wrote:

@Sooner He is very content with the way things are. 

Would you allow a messy hoarder free to make a shambles of your living room and kitchen etc? And, God only knows - if I cleaned that garage or den  and threw out all his clutter - I'm sure it would stress him so much he'd have another stroke.

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@151949  Well, I guess we don't use the word "allow" with one another.  And we'd work out something where he had places for things, baskets, drawers or closets to have for his own and places where his stuff wouldn't be,  and go from there.  We think of home as both of our spaces, so we make room for one another's things.  

But if you both are happy, that's what is important!  

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@Sooner

I don't think you understand.

Based on @151949 previous posts, it appears her husband has serious hoarding tendencies. Drawers, baskets and closets would be full of things, never used, and most not worth keeping. And any space 'given' is never enough and it is never maintained.

I have a husband that is just like she has described here in the past. 

He didn't start out that way when I met him many years ago (over 30 years ago! Where did that time go), and it developed very slowly.

Soon a garage (or in our case a barn) is stacked ceiling to floor front to back. The space inside and the few things that are in working order are not accessible or usable because of the clutter. And the word clutter really should be translated as trash.

It then spills to the shed, then the outside of the building, down the driveway and beyond. Junk is inside buildings and good equipment is left out in the elements. 

When you live with  someone like this, and you are just the opposite, it is a never ending battle to keep control of the main areas of your living space and property, you often have to be downright mean and subversive (throwing or giving away things when they aren't looking).

They 'outgrow' the spaces they have, and they begin to bring this junk into every space if you aren't diligent. 

It is serious and real. As much so as living with an alcoholic that doesn't believe they have a problem, the hoarder really doesn't see what is reality in the stuff or the space. It isn't just a guy wanting his nuts and bolts and tools etc. It's junk and garbage, and broken things and projects that sit for decades undone, but not gotten rid of. It is space and things that can't be used because they can't be accessed. It is battling to keep it from spreading from 'their space' to everywhere in your living environment.

It is difficult and defeating to live with someone like this, and especially when they won't even acknowledge they have a problem, won't seek or accept help from anyone to deal with it. And it happens with people who work every day, are successful and smart and sociable, not just the people with so many apparent issues like those featured on shows about hoarders. It is an area of their life that just can't be compromised with or allowed to become relaxed or it is out of control (and really is regardless of how hard you battle it).

[stevieb]

Personally, I'm a little weary of (and not buying for a minute...) all this verbiage about what 'brings me joy'... 'Decluttering' has become a hot topic in recent memory and let's face it, the motive behind all these supposed experts writing primers about 'how to' is revenue... for them... I guess I've become jaded by it all because it seems to me that the only way to un-clutter is to dig in and do it, deciding for ourselves what stays and what goes... To be sure, clutter creates a certain level of anxiety, but really, I'm not sure we need the 'experts' to tell us that nor to tell us how to go about deciding what to keep and what to part with. For most people, I believe the task is simply daunting and I don't personally think a 'how to' manual makes it any less so...