Declutter 2025: What Have You Purged Today? - Page 85

BunSnoop · ‎05-22-2010

@rnmom , thank you so much for taking the time to reach out and be there for me.

As for the nephews, it's crossed my mind, but I'm uncertain. I know they're both married, one lives about an hour from me the other in another state. Neither have any children.

I have considered a friend of mine. We don't talk much on the phone, or visit at each others homes, etc.; however, I do meet with her and her husband about every 3 - 4 months. My husband would join us too. She has 3 children. One daughter is married and she has 2 children, the other daughter got married last year - no children, and her son is single. We've been to many of their family celebrations - birthday parties, baby shower, bridal showers and weddings. She and her family are just good people.

I also have 2 animal rescues that are important to me. I got my little fur baby from one of them. The other rescue was just opened recently by the woman that was the foster mom to my little guy.

I'll fill in the attorney the next time I go back and figure out how to proceed.

I do not want to totally disown my brother and sister-in-law, but going forward I'll consider them as acquaintances and not family. My memory is not too good lately - too many things on my mind - so I started a list of things he has done (or not done) since my husband has passed that upset me - and it's currently a very long list. When I look back, he has not been the best for many years. My hubby had said many times "they do not care". I've started writing a journal to my hubby of things that happen each day since he's passed, and today I told him that he was so right when he said they did not care.

My father-in-law is 93 years old, he lives at home but has 24/7 services with care givers. He has Alzheimer's and dementia. I'm going to visit with him (it's about a 1 1/2 hour drive and I've never driven there before by myself) on Wednesday. He's always been very good to both me and my husband and the care givers say he always enjoys it when someone comes to visit and holds his hand. The care giver is excellent at her job and I really like her. It will be good to get out of the house and see both of them.

Thank you again. I sometimes just don't have anyone to talk to and I appreciate the kindness I've received here. It makes me feel not so alone. :-)

magicmoodz · ‎03-16-2010

@rnmom wrote:
@BunSnoop - I am so glad that you are able to come here and get a little bit of support. You seem very kind, I wish that I could help you! I am glad that you found us so at least you have this forum to come and chat

I know that you have lost touch with your nephews, but would you consider them as your heirs? Or, even their children if they have any? It seems as though whatever may have transpired between them and your brother may well be more the fault of your brother and not your nephews. Would you want to try to reach out to them?

I hate to use the word "deserving" because no one "deserves" an inheritance, but maybe they may appreciate an inheritance more than your brother. He doesn't seem to care how he treats you because he knows he will get everything from you when you are gone.

Honestly, I would definitely consider other options. Do you have anything that you feel passionate about? Animal rescue? A specific religious organization or church? Any type of charity? The local quilters guild or plant society? Anything? If I were you I'd be leaving anything that I had left when I was gone to the local animal resuce group, Samaritan's Purse, someplace that I really feel good about giving a bunch of money to.

You will be gone so there's no need to feel pressured to do anything. Let him be mad, you won't be here to see it and it doesn't sound like you would be missing out on much anyway.

@BunSnoop @rnmom

Bunsnoop, I feel rnmom has given you very sound advice. This might sound harsh, but from my vantage point, you owe your brother nothing. It appears that he thinks he is going to inherit your estate and doesn't have to lift a finger to help you now, when you could use his physical and emotional support.

You can discuss with the attorney drawing up your will, but I can tell you we have probably 15 beneficiaries named all receiving different percentages of our assets. (It is better to use percentages rather than amounts because, well, who knows what health/nursing care could eat up.)

We are also bequeathing a percentage to both hospices where my mom and father-in-law spent their last days. My mom only 4 days and my father-in-law 16 days, but both received such kind loving care.

I don't know if you are naming your brother as executor, but another option is to engage the services of a fiduciary that would handle your estate. I thought I had found the perfect fiduciary who was willing to become involved prior to our death. If we needed groceries, she would order them. If we had bills that needed paying, she would handle them. She would ensure our home was regularly cleaned, transport to medical appointments and anything else we needed.

Unfortunately, she was not willing to take us on as clients, stating she was 60, didn't want to work forever and said we were too young to need her services. Well, that's nice to hear, but I never found another attorney that I had such a good feeling about. I just wanted to throw that possibility out to you.

Just remember, you are doing an AMAZING job. I am sure your husband is so proud of you!

rnmom · ‎03-11-2010

@BunSnoop - I am glad that we are here for you

I agree, you don't have to totally disown or cut off your brother, but by the same token I certainly wouldn't feel obligated to leave him your entire estate just because he happens to be your blood relative. It doesn't sound as if you owe him anything, but it does sound like there are good people and organizations that would appreciate any gift that you might leave them. I hope that you realize that I am not trying to influence your decisions in any way, I am just trying giving you some other options.

I think that sounds nice that you are journaling to your husband. It is probably nice "talking" to him and getting some thoughts and feelings off your chest.

I am glad that you are going to visit your father in law too. I hope that you have a nice time.

rnmom · ‎03-11-2010

@magicmoodz wrote:
@rnmom wrote:
@BunSnoop - I am so glad that you are able to come here and get a little bit of support. You seem very kind, I wish that I could help you! I am glad that you found us so at least you have this forum to come and chat

I know that you have lost touch with your nephews, but would you consider them as your heirs? Or, even their children if they have any? It seems as though whatever may have transpired between them and your brother may well be more the fault of your brother and not your nephews. Would you want to try to reach out to them?

I hate to use the word "deserving" because no one "deserves" an inheritance, but maybe they may appreciate an inheritance more than your brother. He doesn't seem to care how he treats you because he knows he will get everything from you when you are gone.

Honestly, I would definitely consider other options. Do you have anything that you feel passionate about? Animal rescue? A specific religious organization or church? Any type of charity? The local quilters guild or plant society? Anything? If I were you I'd be leaving anything that I had left when I was gone to the local animal resuce group, Samaritan's Purse, someplace that I really feel good about giving a bunch of money to.

You will be gone so there's no need to feel pressured to do anything. Let him be mad, you won't be here to see it and it doesn't sound like you would be missing out on much anyway.

@BunSnoop @rnmom

Bunsnoop, I feel rnmom has given you very sound advice. This might sound harsh, but from my vantage point, you owe your brother nothing. It appears that he thinks he is going to inherit your estate and doesn't have to lift a finger to help you now, when you could use his physical and emotional support.

You can discuss with the attorney drawing up your will, but I can tell you we have probably 15 beneficiaries named all receiving different percentages of our assets. (It is better to use percentages rather than amounts because, well, who knows what health/nursing care could eat up.)

We are also bequeathing a percentage to both hospices where my mom and father-in-law spent their last days. My mom only 4 days and my father-in-law 16 days, but both received such kind loving care.

I don't know if you are naming your brother as executor, but another option is to engage the services of a fiduciary that would handle your estate. I thought I had found the perfect fiduciary who was willing to become involved prior to our death. If we needed groceries, she would order them. If we had bills that needed paying, she would handle them. She would ensure our home was regularly cleaned, transport to medical appointments and anything else we needed.

Unfortunately, she was not willing to take us on as clients, stating she was 60, didn't want to work forever and said we were too young to need her services. Well, that's nice to hear, but I never found another attorney that I had such a good feeling about. I just wanted to throw that possibility out to you.

Just remember, you are doing an AMAZING job. I am sure your husband is so proud of you!

@magicmoodz @BunSnoop - Yep, I agree with this too! That's for chiming in @magicmoodz , it's nice to get input from someone else in the same situation. I have to admit, hubby and I haven't made our wills yet. That is our plan for next year when my boys will both be 18.

geezerette · ‎03-16-2010

@BunSnoop

I pop in here from time to time and have read about your disappointment, frustration, and anger with your brother. And I have to agree with @magicmoodz and @rnmom--you don't owe him anything merely because he is your closest blood relative now. It sounds like that's all he is to you--related by blood and nothing more.

You don't owe any person a portion of your estate for any reason except your own desire to give something to them. (Not including any debts, which goes without saying of course.)

I have no biological children and my one remaining sibling is much older than I and will likely pass in the next few years. I don't have much contact with remaining relatives (including stepchildren) who all reside out of state anyway. Most of my savings will likely go to a facility of some sort in my last years when I'm no longer independent. I have a couple of charities that are in my will, one that I have a passion for and one that my husband believed in. I intend to leave what remains to anyone that may be there for me at the end--be it family, friends, or hired caregivers. Right now I have some accounts with Pay On Death benefits designated to certain people also.

You do what you feel is right for you, but don't feel that you have to do things a certain way just because most other people do. And if I wanted to leave something to my brother, I'd make him work for it--like leaving him my house that he would have to deal with disposing instead of easy cash.😉

Mom2Dogs · ‎03-09-2010

Today I helped a friend go thru one room in her house. I have a lot of energy, her, not so much. She was only good for about 1/5 hours, sigh...

We got the room purged of stuff that would go in the trash. We went thru some other things that were to be put on marketplace and another couple boxes to donate. Unfortunately she ran out of steam before the room was cleaned, and the furniture dusted.....so I don't feel the job wa a big success but at least some headway was made.

Twins Mom · ‎04-03-2016

@Mom2Dogs

I call this a definite success. Progress was made and you helped a friend who probably would have barely stepped into that room let alone sort trash, donate, etc.

BunSnoop · ‎05-22-2010

Hi everyone,

Another accomplishment - I made the long drive to my father-in-law's. (I did not go alone as I took my little fur baby with me).

I was exhausted when I got home, but it was nice to get away. My father-in-law does not speak, but it was great to see him smile when I came and smile when I said good bye.

His caregiver is a wonderful. She is kind, compassionate and supportive. It was a gift to be there with her. She told me I can call her anytime I need to speak to someone.

Update on my brother. My mutual friends drove by my brother's home - they only live about 1 1/2 blocks from them. My brother and sister-in-law were outside. My friend said - "how is your sister? Have you spoken to her lately?" My sister-in-law said "No - we probably should call her". He called that evening. I did not answer the phone the first 2 times. The 3rd time I answered and he said "I was so worried when I could not get in touch with you. Especially with your living there all alone". I did not say anything but thought........you have not checked in on me for over 3 weeks - you could not be too worried! I think he could tell something was off. He did not say anything about keeping in touch, getting together, etc. Just mentioned all of the places and activites they've attended during the summer and how the weather was so perfect for each of their events.

As for decluttering/purging.......

Went on a ladder to pull down boxes and Rubbermaid tubs from the rafters in the garage. (My brother had said once he would help me, but never followed-up to come and do it). I purchased about a year ago from Amazon a "ladder for seniors". I love it. It has larger steps than a regular ladder, it has padded side bars to hold, and in the front it has a bar that is also padded. I pulled down boxes of hub caps, flattened cardboard boxes, and lots of hoses you use with a sump pump. (Our back yard in our old home flooded occasionally). Now the rafters are empty. I saved the hoses and put them in a patio box, hub caps waiting for metal men, and everything else thrown out.

I want to thank everyone for being so kind to me as you've provided me with some wonderful suggestions, you've been supportive and you've been someone I can reach out to when I'm alone and need someone to "talk" to. Thank you.

Mom2Dogs · ‎03-09-2010

@BunSnoop You seem to be doing really well, and maybe it is partly due to staying so busy. I still have my husband so I don't know what you are going thru but I recall years ago when I got some bad news...I got my cleaning supplies out and started to clean a really dirty item than I had been putting off, it helped me deal with what was happening...we all have our way of coping.

Good for you for making the drive to see your father in law. I don't mind driving and do get out and about but I have the absolute worst sense of direction....I have gotten lost several times...the last time I got really lost was when 9-11 happened. I had gone to the mall about an hour from home, made that trip many, many times on my own, but I was so engrossed in the news on the radio that I took a wrong turn or forgot to turn...I just kept driving until I was in familiar terrirority!

BunSnoop · ‎05-22-2010

@Mom2Dogs , you're so right about keeping busy. It's the only thing that has kept me from not falling apart. I sometimes worry, what am I going to do when I get caught up with everything? I think it will probably take awhile before I get there. Everythng I did go though I did it fast to make things manageable; however, I really need to go through it again as I'm sure there's more to get rid of and more that could be better organized.

Once in awhile I just don't feel like doing work; and I find those days I sometimes just want to go to the bedroom and lie in bed and cry. After awhile I say to myself, enough of this - it's time to get up and sometimes I go outside for a bit and feel better when I come back in.

I'm like you about sense of direction. My husband drove most of the time and I did not pay attention to how we got to so many place. I sometimes try to go somewhere, without using Google Maps, and probably 50% of the time I end up making a wrong turn. I was so worried I was going to get lost going to visit my father-in-law. I told them I was going to attempt it, but if I got lost, or just did not feel comfortable, I would call them to let them know I was going to head back home. Thank goodness that did not happen.