DH wants to move and I don't, house is a disaster,... - Page 3

millieshops · ‎03-09-2010

I agree with the posters who say we're not seeing a real estate problem here. It's a relationship disaster.

However, having lived with the real estate part of the disaster for years and years now, the husband is winning because anything short of a total remodel-enlargement of that house is most likely a waste of dollars, and a couple who let this deterioration go on and on isn't likely to do the kind of work needed to pay off.

Maybe if where the home is happens to be one of the current hot RE destinations they'll manage to get their money back, but the effort needed to do that is likely beyond them as a couple.

Tyak · ‎01-26-2013

OP, what do you expect anyone on a forum to do to help you?

tsavorite · ‎03-09-2010

Think she just wanted advice possibly....isn't that why most of us post? Or to share her frustration with her current situation.

My Mom ended up like this too....but she didn't have access to the "funds" to do any of the repairs even though she had inherited money that she could have used to do them! She'd call me so upset crying about how my Dad wouldn't get anything fixed or updated in the home and she was gonna die in this place like it was. She was right...they lived there 40+yrs and not much ever got updated. My Dad only did the big stuff...roof/windows/foundation issues if necessary.

I am wondering if your in a situation like my Mom? But to be fair...I'd tell her that I would call people to come out and she'd freak out! saying your father would have a fit!! Please don't tell him or do that cause my life will be he!!.

I want to do some things around my home....carpet is 15yrs old and needs to go IMO BUT I bet this will cause a issue LOL! My plan if for after the holidays....plus we need to paint and repair some bedrooms...our sons all moved out and those walls/carpet are in bad shape. Would like to put in a kitchen tile back splash....and yep some out side things gotta get done too. Next 5 downspouts fixed under ground correctly and front step is crumbling....just terrible need to do that soon...might call on that out door stuff this week and see but the expense and timing is simply terrible right now.

To me it just sounds like you want to stay where you are at and your husband wants to move...I totally understand that....good luck with it no matter how it turns out.

Free2be · ‎03-10-2010

@MildredM I have a lot of compassion for you because you've been living this way for so many years and have dealt with it the only way you know how. It seems to me you've convinced yourself that living in your "disaster" makes you happy enough that you are unwilling to consider the obvious options that make sense. You and your spouse have been entrenched in this power struggle for so long to such extreme lengths and now it seems the time is coming where one of you are going to have to lay down their sword.

If you are in a million dollar neighborhood and your house would be torn down, your husband is correct, sell as is. Buy something that doesn't need work because he cannot be relied on.

What will you do when the next big thing goes wrong with the house? How much harrassment are you willing to take from the community as time goes on?

PamfromCT · ‎05-22-2014

I feel sorry for your situation. I agree with other posters who recognize you are in a relationship that is one big power struggle. After many years of this, it seems like you have had it. It would help you to speak to someone to help you through this situation. You seem like a good person, and I hope you can find a path to happiness.

mom2four0418 · ‎04-23-2010

@MildredM wrote:
When we moved into our current home over 25 yrs ago my DH made multiple promises to redo the kitchen, change out the flooring, etc, etc, etc. Now 25 plus years later I can say that nothing has been done. Whenever I bring it up he just says that the house will be scraped by the next owner because all the value is in the lot. This is true because all the recent sales in our neighborhood have been scraped and giant houses built. By giant I mean 6000+ sq feet. Our house is 3300 sq feet and is considered tiny. I've gotten hate mail that our house is bringing down property values in the neighborhood.

Problem is I love my house. The location is wonderful, the schools are the best in the state, it is large enough I don't have to see my DH unless I want to. We are retired so we don't need more room. The house is an old fashioned block build that is stuccoed. The new homes are wood and chicken wire. The floor plan of my home is perfect for our life style and I only have a neighbor on one side. Nobody in back and the house is on a corner. It is wonderful having a bubble of privacy around the home.

My DH doesn't want to do a major remodel and I don't want to move. So for the last 15 years he has let the maintenance of the house slip and has not had things (except roof and air conditioners) repaired or replaced. For example, I lived with a cracked enameled kitchen faucet for 5 yrs by wrapping tape around it. It got so bad that I was tempted to run the outdoor hose though the kitchen window to have water.

All the new houses in my neighbor hood are over our budget and way too big. The new homes outside my neighbood are so close together a person sneezing at the end of the street will be heard 3 blocks away. The lots are so tiny the neighbors roofs aline with the wall in the backyards.

We have looked at houses, new and older, for two years and cannot find one we both agree on.

I need help, lots of help. I feel DH is doing this non maintenance to force me out of my home. I am insisting he abide by his promises. HELP!!

@MildredM wrote:
When we moved into our current home over 25 yrs ago my DH made multiple promises to redo the kitchen, change out the flooring, etc, etc, etc. Now 25 plus years later I can say that nothing has been done. Whenever I bring it up he just says that the house will be scraped by the next owner because all the value is in the lot. This is true because all the recent sales in our neighborhood have been scraped and giant houses built. By giant I mean 6000+ sq feet. Our house is 3300 sq feet and is considered tiny. I've gotten hate mail that our house is bringing down property values in the neighborhood.

Problem is I love my house. The location is wonderful, the schools are the best in the state, it is large enough I don't have to see my DH unless I want to. We are retired so we don't need more room. The house is an old fashioned block build that is stuccoed. The new homes are wood and chicken wire. The floor plan of my home is perfect for our life style and I only have a neighbor on one side. Nobody in back and the house is on a corner. It is wonderful having a bubble of privacy around the home.

My DH doesn't want to do a major remodel and I don't want to move. So for the last 15 years he has let the maintenance of the house slip and has not had things (except roof and air conditioners) repaired or replaced. For example, I lived with a cracked enameled kitchen faucet for 5 yrs by wrapping tape around it. It got so bad that I was tempted to run the outdoor hose though the kitchen window to have water.

All the new houses in my neighbor hood are over our budget and way too big. The new homes outside my neighbood are so close together a person sneezing at the end of the street will be heard 3 blocks away. The lots are so tiny the neighbors roofs aline with the wall in the backyards.

We have looked at houses, new and older, for two years and cannot find one we both agree on.

I need help, lots of help. I feel DH is doing this non maintenance to force me out of my home. I am insisting he abide by his promises. HELP

This is an optimum time to sell real estate before the recession. Why not get the best price you can, split the money and decide if you still want to be together.

“The soul is healed by being with children.”
— Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Still Raining · ‎03-30-2014

Have you and DH consulted a tax/real estate professional? You didn’t say, but could this an issue? How is the title worded? What does the trust mandate?

Do you know the tax effect of selling, or the death of either of you, or sale by the surviving spouse, or the basis for heirs? Are you leaving it to a charity with lifetime rights?

Is this the source of the problem since the house has appreciated so much?

DD jokes that I better die in the SNF on the right side of the 5 year rule so she can get the stepped up basis.

manny2 · ‎05-24-2010

@Still Raining wrote:
This is not about the house. Just two stubborn people who dig in and blame. Really, no stove for 5 years? Lifetime Grudge award contender.

Please tell us that your carpet is not 25 years old.

Your compassion is heartwarming. The OP is just venting not asking anyone to critique her, her husband or her marriage. The remark about the carpet really escapes me!

haddon9 · ‎03-09-2010

As others have mentioned it does sound like you have a relationship problem. So even if you move together you need to fix the marriage.

I understand that you love your home. I love mine too and we bought the house new 27 years ago. Through the years we have done a LOT of work to the house thank goodness!! My DH wants to move soon but I don't...however they are for different reasons that I won't go into.

I'm wondering that if all the homes in your neighborhood are twice the size of yours plus they are new and current in style isn't it uncomfortable for you to live there? I would be very upset if I got an anonymous hate letter about the house!!!

Because of that I would feel unwelcome want to move....it seems like it's time. Rather than spend good money (I can understand your husband's point of view) to fix & renovate why not see what you can get for the place as is? Most likely anyone who buys will either demolish or enlarge the current home.

If you decide to move to a new home together I would NEVER give in to my husband after what you have gone through with the current place....the new house would have to be just right for you!

Good luck!