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Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 7,203
Registered: ‎03-14-2010

I am already upset and Thanksgiving is 2 weeks from now

Since June my oldest brother has had heart issues. He has been in and out of afib.  

 

He lives about 4 hours away. So we have visited him for 3 days and stayed in a hotel. 

 

For the last 40+ years I have had my family stay at my house for all holidays. They stay for about a week.

 

This year my oldest brother wants us to drive and stay in a hotel that is closer to him for Thanksgiving. He wants us to go out to eat at restaurants while we are there and probably pay for all our meals.

 

My son does not know his work schedule yet for Thanksgiving. He usually works sometime during holidays because the company has to be open 24/7 everyday.

 

My brother insisted on making the reservations for the hotel we were to stay in, yesterday. And he wants us to stay at least 4 days. So I know my son will probably be scheduled to work during that time. So he will have to stay home.

 

I feel badly that my son will not get a Thanksgiving meal this year. 

 

In all the NUMEROUS texts and phone calls about my brother's plans, he has not mentioned my son once. It is like he doesn't exist and doesn't want him included in all his plans.

 

I have no idea why my brother is acting this way. My husband is away and he is in a cabin without any phone service because of the mountain behind the cabin. But even though I have explained that to my brother at least 6 times. My brother can't seem to accept that and calls or texts me several times a day and wants to know if I spoke to my husband about all the plans.?!?!?!?

 

Plus my oldest brother has us picking up my other brother that lives 100 miles away in NYC. 

 

He is also talking about seeing a play and guess who would be doing the driving. 

 

I am getting so annoyed that my oldest brother is making everything easy for him and work for us. My brother is sitting back and directing us to do what he wants. It is going to be alot of driving and expense to fulfill his whim.

 

When he started talking about his plans for Thanksgiving we agreed to it. Because he was in afib and we were trying to make things as easy as possible for him. But he is no longer in afib and doing quite well. But yet his plans keep growing on what we should be doing.

Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,437
Registered: ‎03-06-2020

Re: I am already upset and Thanksgiving is 2 weeks from now

[ Edited ]

@drizzellla  This is when a calm "I'm so sorry. We won't be able to attend. We send our love to you and everyone else" needs to be said.

 

Easier said than done, I know. In the end, one person does NOT have the right no matter the reason to dictate HOW a holiday, a weekend or ANY event is going to run. Even LESS right when they are volunteering others to do the majority of the work (and driving IS work).

 

I wish you a wonderful Thanksgiving. Hugs.

"Coming to ya from Florida"
Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,888
Registered: ‎10-03-2014

Re: I am already upset and Thanksgiving is 2 weeks from now

Do you want our opinion on what you should do or are you just getting this off your chest?

 

If it's the first, a son comes first.  I'd stay home to make sure he had a home cooked Thanksgiving meal and didn't have to spend the day alone.  

Honored Contributor
Posts: 28,821
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: I am already upset and Thanksgiving is 2 weeks from now


@drizzellla wrote:

Since June my oldest brother has had heart issues. He has been in and out of afib.  

 

He lives about 4 hours away. So we have visited him for 3 days and stayed in a hotel. 

 

For the last 40+ years I have had my family stay at my house for all holidays. They stay for about a week.

 

This year my oldest brother wants us to drive and stay in a hotel that is closer to him for Thanksgiving. He wants us to go out to eat at restaurants while we are there and probably pay for all our meals.

 

My son does not know his work schedule yet for Thanksgiving. He usually works sometime during holidays because the company has to be open 24/7 everyday.

 

My brother insisted on making the reservations for the hotel we were to stay in, yesterday. And he wants us to stay at least 4 days. So I know my son will probably be scheduled to work during that time. So he will have to stay home.

 

I feel badly that my son will not get a Thanksgiving meal this year. 

 

In all the NUMEROUS texts and phone calls about my brother's plans, he has not mentioned my son once. It is like he doesn't exist and doesn't want him included in all his plans.

 

I have no idea why my brother is acting this way. My husband is away and he is in a cabin without any phone service because of the mountain behind the cabin. But even though I have explained that to my brother at least 6 times. My brother can't seem to accept that and calls or texts me several times a day and wants to know if I spoke to my husband about all the plans.?!?!?!?

 

Plus my oldest brother has us picking up my other brother that lives 100 miles away in NYC. 

 

He is also talking about seeing a play and guess who would be doing the driving. 

 

I am getting so annoyed that my oldest brother is making everything easy for him and work for us. My brother is sitting back and directing us to do what he wants. It is going to be alot of driving and expense to fulfill his whim.

 

When he started talking about his plans for Thanksgiving we agreed to it. Because he was in afib and we were trying to make things as easy as possible for him. But he is no longer in afib and doing quite well. But yet his plans keep growing on what we should be doing.


@drizzellla Repeat after me "No, we are not going to. . .(fill in your answer here)".  Draw a line, set a limit, right now be clear about what you will or won't do.  And stand your ground.  

 

Or have him call me. . . If we need to repeat this, I'm here for you.  What is happening is not fair to you, don't feel bad, just set your limits to what YOU are comfortable with and forget about it. 

Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,063
Registered: ‎06-14-2011

Re: I am already upset and Thanksgiving is 2 weeks from now

@drizzellla I'm with @FiddleDeeDee on this one.  Tell  him I'm sorry we can't attend.  You won't be coming.  This won't be a " holiday" for you and your son shouldn't be left out.  Take a deep breath and stand firm.  You're being used regardless if it's family.  Holidays are stressful for a lot of people as it is and this sounds like a nightmare.  If he can't come to your house then so be it.  But him directing your holiday is ridiculous.  

 

 

 

Honored Contributor
Posts: 11,835
Registered: ‎11-24-2013

Re: I am already upset and Thanksgiving is 2 weeks from now

@drizzellla I agree with everyone else.

 

Just say no, we aren't doing that. Don't be doormat.

 

As some advice person once wrote "no one can take advantage of you without your cooperation."

Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,002
Registered: ‎05-02-2017

Re: I am already upset and Thanksgiving is 2 weeks from now

 

I think you are blowing everything out of proportion, and you need to take a deep breath and relax and see everybody's perspective.  

 

It doesn't sound like your son is a small child who needs to be looked after and/or fed.

Even if he has to work a few days, he might be able to drive to the hotel for a night or two and join the family.  Maybe he will like having the house to himself!  Many young men have a socal network that they enjoy without their parents.

 

Probably your brother is focused on his own mortality, and wanting to be a good host if you have had the lead all these years.  Additionally your son has his whole life ahead of him, and your brother is probably not really thinking about what a young person wants/needs.

 

You agreed to do this with your brother, so you need to decide if you want to back out or adjust your plans.  It is hard to relinquish control sometimes, but maybe everybody else thinks that having Thanksgving at your house all these years made it easy and convenient for you, and they had to stay and put up with all that family "togetherness."  

 

I am guessing your brother is very excited, and that is why he is texting and calling so much.

 

You need to have a bit of compassion--it is just one meal, one holiday and four days.  There is so much more in the world to be upset about.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,184
Registered: ‎09-15-2016

Re: I am already upset and Thanksgiving is 2 weeks from now

How old is your son?

Honored Contributor
Posts: 12,114
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: I am already upset and Thanksgiving is 2 weeks from now

[ Edited ]

Oh the stress of the holidays is upon us!!!

@drizzellla 

 

If you're asking for opinions it's your brother so I'd think you could openly discuss your feelings.  Explain you have your son as your 1st priority you can get together another time when it's "convenient" for you!

I used to have to make choices like this and now I stopped being torn the pandemic sure changed a lot of my thinking!  Now, I do what's best for "us"...

 

good luck..

 

ps: just curious how old is your son?  I'm assuming he's a adult and maybe you should discuss his feelings about not having TG with you.  

Valued Contributor
Posts: 833
Registered: ‎02-16-2019

Re: I am already upset and Thanksgiving is 2 weeks from now

I agree with everyone else, he is being very rude, however about him forgetting to mention your son, he may just assume that is a given.  A few months ago I invited my sister and her husband over for a family dinner for her birthday and they said is (son's name) invited I said gosh of course I was sorry I didn't mention, I had just assumed since all my kids were comings.  I just mention that because I love my nephew and would never intend to leave him out I had just assumed.