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Honored Contributor
Posts: 43,746
Registered: ‎01-08-2011

"Trying On A Bathing Suit!"

[ Edited ]

This was in a blog post I have followed for about 5 years.  She kindly emailed it to me when I couldn't copy it!

 


When I was a child in the 1950's, the bathing suit for the mature figure was-boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift, and they did a good job.

 

 Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip.

The mature woman has a choice: she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disney's Fantasia, or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent rubber bands.

 

What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which gives the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you would be protected from shark attacks. Any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.

 

I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place I gasped in horror, my boobs had disappeared! Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.

 

The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is now meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.

 

The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fitted those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of Playdoh wearing undersized cling wrap.

 

 As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, "Oh, there you are," she said, admiring the bathing suit.
I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me.

 

I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two-piece that gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serving ring.

I struggled into a pair of leopard-skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.

I tried on a black number with a midriff fringe and looked like a jellyfish in mourning.

I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear  them.

 

Finally, I found a suit that fit, it was a two-piece affair with a shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured.

When I got it home, I found a label that read, "Material might become transparent in water."

 So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm there too, I'll be the one in cut-off jeans and a T-shirt!

 

You'd better be laughing or rolling on the floor by this time. Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain, with or without a stylish bathing suit!

You can't change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying over the future.

 

 

Honored Contributor
Posts: 13,224
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: "Trying On A Bathing Suit!"

@ECBG I agree bathing suit shopping is a horror...unless of course if you have a perfect or close to prefect body that defies gravity.

 

I wear a Wacoal underwire bra for everyday good support.  Why can't a bathing suit offer the same type of bra support for full figured women?  I also don't like anything tight around the stomach area.  I like to wear swim shorts which cover the upper thighs.  I don't really care for a swim dress.  It sounds as if I'm horribly obese but I wear a small bottom & medium to large top.  

 

For many years now I have been wearing board shorts and a colorful scoop neck tee on the beach.

 

Bathing suit shopping is the most frustrating item of clothing for me to buy....so I don't.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 9,683
Registered: ‎02-07-2011

Re: "Trying On A Bathing Suit!"

Don't own a bathing suit, never will again!  

Honored Contributor
Posts: 43,746
Registered: ‎01-08-2011

Re: "Trying On A Bathing Suit!"

@haddon9 

 

I found Miracle suits fit me well so I can buy them easily; they also last and last!

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,746
Registered: ‎12-01-2023

Re: "Trying On A Bathing Suit!"


@ECBG wrote:

@haddon9 

 

I found Miracle suits fit me well so I can buy them easily; they also last and last!


Those are very nice suits!  Great fit! 😊💝🌸

Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,681
Registered: ‎05-20-2023

Re: "Trying On A Bathing Suit!"

@ECBG 

 

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Honored Contributor
Posts: 15,701
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: "Trying On A Bathing Suit!"

Even when I was over 200 lbs I had no problem wearing a tankini at our town Pool. 

Stop being afraid of what could go wrong and start being positive what could go right.
Valued Contributor
Posts: 992
Registered: ‎06-14-2018

Re: "Trying On A Bathing Suit!"

OMG….Hilarious!! 😆
Honored Contributor
Posts: 18,987
Registered: ‎10-25-2010

Re: "Trying On A Bathing Suit!"

I buy Land's End suits.  I need a large cup size and they sell tops in bra sizes with cups to fit...and tops to cover my abdomen without being a maternity style or sausage casings.

 

I also prefer the bottoms that are lined shorts....they have them too.

 

I have at least 20 suits and they all are comfortable and fit well.

Super Contributor
Posts: 294
Registered: ‎03-22-2010

Re: "Trying On A Bathing Suit!"

oh my Gosh this is Hilarious!!!!!🤣