Fashion

[Sooner]

On 4/22/2014 Ford1224 said:

As the TV ad says, "Peanut butter should be 'put' in the pantry. People shouldn't be 'put' anywhere."

I agree, but sometimes you have to "put" people somewhere.

[LilacTree]

On 4/22/2014 Sooner said:

On 4/22/2014 Ford1224 said:

As the TV ad says, "Peanut butter should be 'put' in the pantry. People shouldn't be 'put' anywhere."

I agree, but sometimes you have to "put" people somewhere.

There are alternatives, they just aren't legal yet. I hope they become acceptable before I get too bad. I want to go like Jackie Kennedy did.

[scotnovel]

On 4/21/2014 nantucket shore said:

My mom was supposed to go for rehab only and she needs help. She no longer can get herself dressed and need bathroom assistance. She is in her 80's and what she could do, she no longer can do. The great thing is her mind is 100% sharp and there's no signs of anything else, the body is weakening but the mind is great. Just heck to get old.

I think all of us are to blame for her house being "full". There is stuff in the closets I never took and the other siblings have the same. It's like we all thought everything is fine and will be fine forever, the house will never be sold and mother will live forever.

I'll listen to all thoughts, not sure about rules, it's not like she'll be having men over every night.....

This may be a lesson for those of us who are in our 60's and beyond. While we can, we need to declutter our own houses, as much as possible, so that our families are not left with that burden especially if they end up caring for us as well.

My MIL lived with her mother and neither one of them ever got rid of anything. When they both were gone, it fell on my husband (an only child) and I to close down the household (with 50 years worth of stuff), on top of all the other things that had to be taken care of at that time. We were in our 30's but both worked and lived a few hundred miles away so it turned out to be quite a burden piled on top of the grief. What I learned from that experience is that things that may seem to have great sentimental meaning to us mean nothing to our heirs because they may have never seen them (items packed away for decades) and don't understand any of the meaning behind them.

My parents, in their 60's, first sorted through everything to downsize and even got rid of some of those sentimental things they had been holding onto for decades, distributed items to each of us kids, and left very detailed written information regarding disposal of the remaining items and of their wishes regarding memorial service, cremation, etc. That was so much easier on the four children and spouses once they both were gone.

[Tweena63]

On 4/22/2014 Ford1224 said:

As the TV ad says, "Peanut butter should be 'put' in the pantry. People shouldn't be 'put' anywhere."

I did this 6 years. First for my Mother-inlaw, my Mother and Father. You think it's funny, but one day it's going to turn around and smack you in the "pantry".

[RedTop]

I was involved in clearing out my grandmother's home after she broke her hip @ age 97 and moved into a local personal care home. There were several antiques that were sold; my Mom took personal items, and other items were divided among the grandchildren, many useable items were donated, and several truckloads of stuff was taken to the dump. My grandmother never had a clue what was done; she never once asked about her home again, and she died from congestive heart failure 9 months after her fall.

My Mom is now 80 years old, and my brothers and I have mutually decided we will do whatever we can to keep Mom in her home as long as we possibly can. As much as we love Mom, and as much as she loves us, we know our totally independent Mom would NEVER be happy, or even content, to live with any of us. She enjoys our visits, but is glad when we go home and she has her home to herself. I live across the road from my Mom, and one brother lives beside her, so it would be easier to leave her where she is happiest, and we adjust to accommodate her needs there.

Hoping this arrangement works out well for both of you nantucket shore!

[LilacTree]

On 4/22/2014 Scotnovel said:

On 4/21/2014 nantucket shore said:

My mom was supposed to go for rehab only and she needs help. She no longer can get herself dressed and need bathroom assistance. She is in her 80's and what she could do, she no longer can do. The great thing is her mind is 100% sharp and there's no signs of anything else, the body is weakening but the mind is great. Just heck to get old.

I think all of us are to blame for her house being "full". There is stuff in the closets I never took and the other siblings have the same. It's like we all thought everything is fine and will be fine forever, the house will never be sold and mother will live forever.

I'll listen to all thoughts, not sure about rules, it's not like she'll be having men over every night.....

This may be a lesson for those of us who are in our 60's and beyond. While we can, we need to declutter our own houses, as much as possible, so that our families are not left with that burden especially if they end up caring for us as well.

My MIL lived with her mother and neither one of them ever got rid of anything. When they both were gone, it fell on my husband (an only child) and I to close down the household (with 50 years worth of stuff), on top of all the other things that had to be taken care of at that time. We were in our 30's but both worked and lived a few hundred miles away so it turned out to be quite a burden piled on top of the grief. What I learned from that experience is that things that may seem to have great sentimental meaning to us mean nothing to our heirs because they may have never seen them (items packed away for decades) and don't understand any of the meaning behind them.

My parents, in their 60's, first sorted through everything to downsize and even got rid of some of those sentimental things they had been holding onto for decades, distributed items to each of us kids, and left very detailed written information regarding disposal of the remaining items and of their wishes regarding memorial service, cremation, etc. That was so much easier on the four children and spouses once they both were gone.

I have already given everything away. I now live in a two-room apartment (with a small kitchen) and two closets, about 600 sq. ft. Everything I now own is in my buffet in the living room and in my clothes closet and dresser. I also have a trunk in the living room that contains all of my photo albums. That's it. It will take them one day to get it out of here.

Also, my will and notarized letters to each of my children outline what I want done when I go, and there is one daughter who will listen to my wishes and knows everything that needs to be done, which is the minimal. There is also a life insurance policy. I have left nothing to chance.

[LilacTree]

On 4/22/2014 Tweena63 said:

On 4/22/2014 Ford1224 said:

As the TV ad says, "Peanut butter should be 'put' in the pantry. People shouldn't be 'put' anywhere."

I did this 6 years. First for my Mother-inlaw, my Mother and Father. You think it's funny, but one day it's going to turn around and smack you in the "pantry".

I don't think it's at all funny. I took care of my own mother in the final four months of her life. I had to bring my 2 month old baby and my 16 month old toddler with me, and leave my three year old and four year old daughters five hours away with their father. It's a good thing I was young and healthy. I took care of my babies, my critically ill mother, and cooked and cleaned for my father and brother. It was far from funny. But I'm glad I did it, I will never regret having done it.

[goodstuff]

Seriously, folks, all jabs, jokes, and sentimental stories aside: Taking care of elderly parents in failing health is a heckuva challenge. All families, all old folks, and all situations are different, and there isn't one "fits-all" solution. Every family has to find its way through the situation with all the sense and grace it can muster.

I lost my sweet Mom to Alzheimer's just a few months ago. We are still dealing with DH's nearly 97 year old mother and older, mentally handicapped brother at present, both in nearby care facilities -- with much care and input from DH and myself -- the only family members in a position to help either of them. Caregiving has become second nature and a part-time job for us over the past few years. For a host of reasons, moving either/both of them in with us is not a realistic option. Some families can make it work, but moving an ailing family member into your home is a HUGE commitment, and often you can't see all the pitfalls and problems in advance. When the individuals have mental/emotional problems or a longterm history of dysfunctional relationships and behavior, it can be disastrous: overwhelmingly stressful and difficult on a daily basis and a danger to the marriage and/or mental/physical health of the caregiver(s). Best of luck to those who try it........and blessings to those who decide to go another caregiving route. It's a challenge whatever way you go. Blessings to all caregivers everywhere.

[Just Bling]

Thanks everyone.

Since she needs the bathroom help I've decided to either close my business/operate it online only or just open on the weekends when I can get some help.

What I have witnessed at the rehab facility is beyond anyone's imagination. I still can't believe we take care of our people this way. I'm there every morning and every evening and not just to say hi and goodbye but I stay more at night than in the morning. My mom deserves the best and one of my customers said to me, "if your family is anything like my family, we take care of our own".

I don't believe she'll be that much work, she needs help getting up, dressing, bathroom and bedtime. Her mind is 100% sharp so that's a huge plus. I could be wrong about this being a lot of work but that's OK, I'm ready, it's really bad where she is now, cold food, incorrect medicine given, call lights on for over 30 minutes and yes, I've made all the phone calls I could and sent e-mails, I'm on top of it but nothing is changing so sooner is better than later.

I've been helping her the last 15 years almost every day since my dad is gone but now she is definitely needing the most help. She realizes she can't live on her own so this is the best option right now.

Another chapter in my life.

[Snicks1]

nantucket shore, I am sure you know what is best for your own and your mother's particular situation. Bless you for what you are doing. It's a big responsibility (I know, I have been in your shoes). I have no regrets now that my own wonderful mother is gone.