Fashion

[KathyPet]

At different times Imhad both my father and my mother in law living with us while holding down a full time job and trying to raise two children under 12 years old. I will never under any circumstances live with my daughter. When the time comes we or perhaps just me will go to a continuing care community where we can go from independent living situation to assisted living to nursing home all within the same community. we have long term care insurance to cover the additional costs.

[KJPA]

I think this is a very personal, individual family decision. As another poster said, there isn't a one-size-fits-all solution. As long as we do what is humane and best under the circumstances, for our own families, nobody should be judged.

It's nice to share our thoughts on what we do, would do, hope we would or would not do. But in the end we all have to decide for our own. We also all hope we are never at either end of this decision but fact is that most of us will experience it. Best of luck to each and everyone of us when that time comes. Hopefully there will be others to help each of us through whatever decision we make and nobody on earth to judge us for making it.

[goodstuff]

On 4/22/2014 Sooner said:

On 4/22/2014 Ford1224 said:

As the TV ad says, "Peanut butter should be 'put' in the pantry. People shouldn't be 'put' anywhere."

I agree, but sometimes you have to "put" people somewhere.

Indeed. Nobody wants to "put" Mom anywhere, but sometimes parents are no longer capable of caring for themselves, recognizing their need for help and changes, making decisions for themselves, moving themselves -- and not in a frame of mind to cooperate with children who are doing their best to provide the care they need and ensure their safety. Unless you are willing to leave parents to sit in their own mess, fall and break bones, go hungry, and burn the house down around themselves, sometimes you have to "put" them.......whether they like it or not. Been there twice. Not pleasant, but very true and very necessary.

[TeezNu]

On 4/22/2014 GoodStuff said:

Seriously, folks, all jabs, jokes, and sentimental stories aside: Taking care of elderly parents in failing health is a heckuva challenge. All families, all old folks, and all situations are different, and there isn't one "fits-all" solution. Every family has to find its way through the situation with all the sense and grace it can muster.

I lost my sweet Mom to Alzheimer's just a few months ago. We are still dealing with DH's nearly 97 year old mother and older, mentally handicapped brother at present, both in nearby care facilities -- with much care and input from DH and myself -- the only family members in a position to help either of them. Caregiving has become second nature and a part-time job for us over the past few years. For a host of reasons, moving either/both of them in with us is not a realistic option. Some families can make it work, but moving an ailing family member into your home is a HUGE commitment, and often you can't see all the pitfalls and problems in advance. When the individuals have mental/emotional problems or a longterm history of dysfunctional relationships and behavior, it can be disastrous: overwhelmingly stressful and difficult on a daily basis and a danger to the marriage and/or mental/physical health of the caregiver(s). Best of luck to those who try it........and blessings to those who decide to go another caregiving route. It's a challenge whatever way you go. Blessings to all caregivers everywhere.

I think Goodstuff's comment is one of the most realistic and compassionate in this thread. My 96 yr old mother with severe dementia, extremely limited mobility, and a myriad of other health issues, is in a skilled nursing facility, and my 95 yr old father, in relatively good mental and physical health, is in an assisted living facility. Nantucket, I'm so sorry the current skilled nursing is not good. I encountered similar issues at the first place my mom was at, so we moved her to another one that was suggested by a hospital social worker, and she gets wonderful care there. I've learned one very important thing: every situation/family is very unique, and I cannot pass judgement on anyone else's decisions. On that note, I will only recommend the info and forums on a GREAT website www.agingcare.com. Bless you and your family through this journey.

[monalisa1452]

God bless you Nantucket.

Maybe you can get an auction house to sell the contents of her house - you can use the proceeds of that and the sale of the house -to get some in home help a couple of days a week if you need a break.

I wish you and your mother the best.

[busygirl]

On 4/21/2014 nantucket shore said:

My mom was supposed to go for rehab only and she needs help. She no longer can get herself dressed and need bathroom assistance. She is in her 80's and what she could do, she no longer can do. The great thing is her mind is 100% sharp and there's no signs of anything else, the body is weakening but the mind is great. Just heck to get old.

I think all of us are to blame for her house being "full". There is stuff in the closets I never took and the other siblings have the same. It's like we all thought everything is fine and will be fine forever, the house will never be sold and mother will live forever.

I'll listen to all thoughts, not sure about rules, it's not like she'll be having men over every night.....

I personally think the best place for your mother is where she is right now. It is hard to have a parent in a nursing home but sometimes the best alternative. You can visit and take her places and things like that but to watch her 24 hours a day with the care she needs is not as easy to do as you think.

They also have activities for the residents and someone to do their hair if you pay extra and things like that.

You have a job ahead of you and cleaning out her place and making decisions is not easy and very emotional and then the arguments that come with it when the other siblings have ideas of their own.

I think you need to think it through and be prepared to make some hard decisions.

Good luck and I hope things go well for you and your family.

[dotdddd]

my mother moved in at 83 for financial reasons, fast forward 6 yrs. and alz. raised its' UGLY head and it was downhill quickly, you have no idea,unless you've been there . She passed in her sleep mar. 4, while I was away on 3-day vac. Everyday is extremely difficult, I keep waiting to improve, all family moved on wks. ago. I'm not sure I would have done it if I knew. You have to be a certain type to be a caregiver and from all the feeling I'm dealing with, I don't think I was.

[JustJazzmom]

On 4/21/2014 occasional rain said:

On 4/21/2014 GoodStuff said:

On 4/21/2014 occasional rain said:

On 4/21/2014 Shopping_Mama said:

With all due respect to Annabelle, I disagree. Your house, your rules.

We just moved Hubby's mother in a few months ago. She was hoarding, overspending, not taking her medicine correctly, and hiding things in her own home. Neither myself nor DH are going to allow it for one minute. We established a schedule, set the rules (boundaries, we call them), and brought to her life the structure that she always needed as an adult but failed to establish. After a 4-5 month adjustment period, we have all 3 adapted to living in harmony with one another and expectations are clearly communicated and well-known.

My best advice: like a newborn baby, establish a routine/schedule and don't allow chaos. Blend her in to your life, not the other way around.

I have enormous sympathy for this dear woman who gave birth to your husband, cared for him, and put his needs before hers for years and now is treated like a criminal, put on a schedule, regulated, bossed. I would rather be dead than reside in your home under your regulations.

Move into your home a dysfunctional, elderly parent who has added dementia to her list of mental/emotional problems. Empathy, care, and compassion, yes. Build your life around her and let her problems, quirks, and maladjustments rule your household? Not a story I'd want to live........ Regardless of age and situation, when you must deal with dysfunctional family members, healthy boundaries and clear communication are two of the most important things.

I don't have a clue what "healthy boundaries" are but I do know about controlling children who insist their parent can't stay in their own home because the parent isn't "safe" and either put them in a nursing home or bring them into their home and make their parent's life a misery. Seldom do the parents thrive or live long once their lives have been taken over and controlled by their children.

I really have to disagree with this because children bring their parents into their homes so that they can keep an eye on them-- so they don't leave stoves on by accident or maybe their bathrooms are not set up with grab bars in their tubs or there are throw rugs around which can cause a slipping and fall hazard. Everyone is different but I do think that children move their parents to 'safer environments' with their parents' best interest at heart.

[KJPA]

On 4/22/2014 dotdddd said:

my mother moved in at 83 for financial reasons, fast forward 6 yrs. and alz. raised its' UGLY head and it was downhill quickly, you have no idea,unless you've been there . She passed in her sleep mar. 4, while I was away on 3-day vac. Everyday is extremely difficult, I keep waiting to improve, all family moved on wks. ago. I'm not sure I would have done it if I knew. You have to be a certain type to be a caregiver and from all the feeling I'm dealing with, I don't think I was.

Dotdddd, please don't be hard on yourself. You did the best you could at the time. I'm sure you did all you could. Not everybody has unlimited energy. Some have more than others.

And make sure you keep talking to people who care about you. Get some group counseling because I'm sure you are still grieving. It takes a long time for most of us to get over losing someone close to us. And there is a special attachment with parents/children even if we didn't get along. Take care of yourself!

[PamB226]

On 4/22/2014 nantucket shore said:

Thanks everyone.

Since she needs the bathroom help I've decided to either close my business/operate it online only or just open on the weekends when I can get some help.

What I have witnessed at the rehab facility is beyond anyone's imagination. I still can't believe we take care of our people this way. I'm there every morning and every evening and not just to say hi and goodbye but I stay more at night than in the morning. My mom deserves the best and one of my customers said to me, "if your family is anything like my family, we take care of our own".

I don't believe she'll be that much work, she needs help getting up, dressing, bathroom and bedtime. Her mind is 100% sharp so that's a huge plus. I could be wrong about this being a lot of work but that's OK, I'm ready, it's really bad where she is now, cold food, incorrect medicine given, call lights on for over 30 minutes and yes, I've made all the phone calls I could and sent e-mails, I'm on top of it but nothing is changing so sooner is better than later.

I've been helping her the last 15 years almost every day since my dad is gone but now she is definitely needing the most help. She realizes she can't live on her own so this is the best option right now.

Another chapter in my life.

Think how hard it could possibly be, then multiply that 10 fold.....at least! My MIL is going to be 95 and there is no way any of us can take care of her.....no matter how much we want to. My SIL DID FOR SEVERAL YEARS, BUT HER HEALTH AND LIFE WAS PUT ON HOLD TO THE POINT WHERE SHE HAD NO LIFE OF HER OWN AND NOW HER HEALTH IS SUFFERING? And that is wrong! Sure our parents took care of us for all those years, but that's what they're suppose to do. So to expect the roles to reverse because they did what they were suppose to do, is just wrong!

I would never want to be that kind of a burden on my kids, so we have arranged for that to never happen.....Just as my mother did! The last thing I would ever want is for my kids to be relieved when I die, because I was such a burden.

My MIL cannot care for herself in any manner, we found her a great nursing home......yes, they are out there. She's good with it and we can enjoy being around her with no resentment on either side! And I defy anyone to say they would never resent taking care of a parent that has to depend on you for everything!