Community Chat

[sfnative]

On 3/20/2015 terrier3 said:

On 3/20/2015 4KICKS said:

Terrier3:

Your experience has me just shaking my head. I am so glad I am now out of the working world. There are words I would use to describe your former co-worker, but not here. I admire your patience and how you handled the situation.

Wow, just wow.

Based on what this OP is going through - and my personal experience - "highly sensitive" appears to be a code word for bi-polar, schizophrenic, or just plain batty...

Not so. Please go to Amazon and search for the book, "The Highly Sensitive Person." Read the summary provided. This has NOTHING to do with bipolar, schizophrenic, or just plain batty. You don't know what you're talking about.

This is not to say that the person the OP has been dealing with would not be clinically diagnosed with one of your favorites. It's just that there is a sub-population of people who are wired differently - whose brains have an extermely difficult time processing external stimuli. Just walking into a room full of people can be a challenge in the extreme, not to mention the effects of all of the external stimulation from co-workers. Now, I'm not saying that is the case with the OP's work situation, I just wanted to provide some clarification regarding "The Highly Sensitive Person." (My daughter is one. I could write a book).

Be a little forgiving here...

[Bird mama]

What I think is unfortunate about the whole situation is that if management knew that Beanie's co-worker was highly sensitive in the first place, why put the co-worker or anyone else working with the co-worker through that kind of stress by introducing a new person to the HS co-workers work space? Does that make sense or did I confuse anyone reading this?

[sfnative]

On 3/21/2015 chickenbutt said:

On 3/21/2015 Plaid Pants said:

If someone flips out over a friendly tap on the shoulder, what do they do when someone accidentally bumps in to them? Have a melt-down?

There is nothing wrong with a friendly "excuse me" tap.

That's not invading someones "personal space".

I'll even put my hand on someones back, to let them know that I am behind them.

Horrors!

Have me arrested!

While I understand what you're saying, I also understand the other POV on it. I live inside my head a lot and I'll jump when somebody comes up behind me or suddenly touches me if I didn't know they were there. If that makes me a freak, that's ok. I know I'm messed up but people feel the way they feel, so there ya have it.

My husband routinely scares the krap out of me. He doesn't mean to and it's actually not him, but me. I'll be going along, probably thinking about something because I'm always thinking, and he shows up in the room and I jump a foot. Every time. You'd think I would get used to him showing up suddenly. But I don't after all these years.

Nothing wrong with what you do, as long as it doesn't startle somebody. Some of us just startle easier than others and it's usually for legitimate reasons. It still doesn't mean you (the other person) did anything wrong. It just is what it is.

I hear you, chickenbutt, but from the perspective of a wife of a husband with PTSD. I cannot come up behind him EVER without notice, let alone touch him. I have to raise my voice slightly, maybe 15 feet away and let him know I'm approaching.

When I was getting to know him in college, I came up behind him one day between classes and said, "Boo!" Well, I got a fist in my gut, which knocked the breath out of me. He had just separated from the Army months previously and his head was still in the jungle. I learned my lesson.

[chickenbutt]

On 3/21/2015 sfnative said:

On 3/21/2015 chickenbutt said:

On 3/21/2015 Plaid Pants said:

If someone flips out over a friendly tap on the shoulder, what do they do when someone accidentally bumps in to them? Have a melt-down?

There is nothing wrong with a friendly "excuse me" tap.

That's not invading someones "personal space".

I'll even put my hand on someones back, to let them know that I am behind them.

Horrors!

Have me arrested!

While I understand what you're saying, I also understand the other POV on it. I live inside my head a lot and I'll jump when somebody comes up behind me or suddenly touches me if I didn't know they were there. If that makes me a freak, that's ok. I know I'm messed up but people feel the way they feel, so there ya have it.

My husband routinely scares the krap out of me. He doesn't mean to and it's actually not him, but me. I'll be going along, probably thinking about something because I'm always thinking, and he shows up in the room and I jump a foot. Every time. You'd think I would get used to him showing up suddenly. But I don't after all these years.

Nothing wrong with what you do, as long as it doesn't startle somebody. Some of us just startle easier than others and it's usually for legitimate reasons. It still doesn't mean you (the other person) did anything wrong. It just is what it is.

I hear you, chickenbutt, but from the perspective of a wife of a husband with PTSD. I cannot come up behind him EVER without notice, let alone touch him. I have to raise my voice slightly, maybe 15 feet away and let him know I'm approaching.

When I was getting to know him in college, I came up behind him one day between classes and said, "Boo!" Well, I got a fist in my gut, which knocked the breath out of me. He had just separated from the Army months previously and his head was still in the jungle. I learned my lesson.

Hey SF! Oh dear, now I can relate to your husband too. I have PTSD and I can totally see how he is affected. Personally, I don't like people touching me without my permission anyway, but if somebody comes up behind me and touches me or suddenly speaks close to me, I am truly startled and it sends me somewhere bad. I try to keep in mind that they don't mean harm so, after I come back from crazyland (ha!), I work hard to not bonk them on the head.

Oh my. I bet you never said 'Boo' to him again! yikes. hehe - I know you mean well and I'm certain HE knows you mean well but it's just an automatic and conditioned response to be sent to another dimension with something sudden and unexpected.

[sfnative]

On 3/21/2015 chickenbutt said:

On 3/21/2015 sfnative said:

On 3/21/2015 chickenbutt said:

On 3/21/2015 Plaid Pants said:

If someone flips out over a friendly tap on the shoulder, what do they do when someone accidentally bumps in to them? Have a melt-down?

There is nothing wrong with a friendly "excuse me" tap.

That's not invading someones "personal space".

I'll even put my hand on someones back, to let them know that I am behind them.

Horrors!

Have me arrested!

While I understand what you're saying, I also understand the other POV on it. I live inside my head a lot and I'll jump when somebody comes up behind me or suddenly touches me if I didn't know they were there. If that makes me a freak, that's ok. I know I'm messed up but people feel the way they feel, so there ya have it.

My husband routinely scares the krap out of me. He doesn't mean to and it's actually not him, but me. I'll be going along, probably thinking about something because I'm always thinking, and he shows up in the room and I jump a foot. Every time. You'd think I would get used to him showing up suddenly. But I don't after all these years.

Nothing wrong with what you do, as long as it doesn't startle somebody. Some of us just startle easier than others and it's usually for legitimate reasons. It still doesn't mean you (the other person) did anything wrong. It just is what it is.

I hear you, chickenbutt, but from the perspective of a wife of a husband with PTSD. I cannot come up behind him EVER without notice, let alone touch him. I have to raise my voice slightly, maybe 15 feet away and let him know I'm approaching.

When I was getting to know him in college, I came up behind him one day between classes and said, "Boo!" Well, I got a fist in my gut, which knocked the breath out of me. He had just separated from the Army months previously and his head was still in the jungle. I learned my lesson.

Hey SF! Oh dear, now I can relate to your husband too. I have PTSD and I can totally see how he is affected. Personally, I don't like people touching me without my permission anyway, but if somebody comes up behind me and touches me or suddenly speaks close to me, I am truly startled and it sends me somewhere bad. I try to keep in mind that they don't mean harm so, after I come back from crazyland (ha!), I work hard to not bonk them on the head.

Oh my. I bet you never said 'Boo' to him again! yikes. hehe - I know you mean well and I'm certain HE knows you mean well but it's just an automatic and conditioned response to be sent to another dimension with something sudden and unexpected.

chickenbutt,

Your last paragraph pretty much says it all. He was in an extremely horrible combat situation during the Viet Nam war. It was a convoy of of 700 going from point A to point B. They were attacked by the Reds. Less than 100 US survived and my DH ended up being the ranking officer. They took prisoners. Use your imagination. It lasted for several weeks. He has re-lived that initial attack a number of times - his mind actually goes back to the jungle. It's frightening and he refuses help. He'll take it to his grave.

[adelle38]

On 3/21/2015 Bird mama said:

What I think is unfortunate about the whole situation is that if management knew that Beanie's co-worker was highly sensitive in the first place, why put the co-worker or anyone else working with the co-worker through that kind of stress by introducing a new person to the HS co-workers work space? Does that make sense or did I confuse anyone reading this?

Either management didn't care or they were hoping by doing this they could get either the coworker or beanie to quit without having to pay unemployment.

[chickenbutt]

On 3/21/2015 sfnative said:

On 3/21/2015 chickenbutt said:

On 3/21/2015 sfnative said:

On 3/21/2015 chickenbutt said:

On 3/21/2015 Plaid Pants said:

If someone flips out over a friendly tap on the shoulder, what do they do when someone accidentally bumps in to them? Have a melt-down?

There is nothing wrong with a friendly "excuse me" tap.

That's not invading someones "personal space".

I'll even put my hand on someones back, to let them know that I am behind them.

Horrors!

Have me arrested!

While I understand what you're saying, I also understand the other POV on it. I live inside my head a lot and I'll jump when somebody comes up behind me or suddenly touches me if I didn't know they were there. If that makes me a freak, that's ok. I know I'm messed up but people feel the way they feel, so there ya have it.

My husband routinely scares the krap out of me. He doesn't mean to and it's actually not him, but me. I'll be going along, probably thinking about something because I'm always thinking, and he shows up in the room and I jump a foot. Every time. You'd think I would get used to him showing up suddenly. But I don't after all these years.

Nothing wrong with what you do, as long as it doesn't startle somebody. Some of us just startle easier than others and it's usually for legitimate reasons. It still doesn't mean you (the other person) did anything wrong. It just is what it is.

I hear you, chickenbutt, but from the perspective of a wife of a husband with PTSD. I cannot come up behind him EVER without notice, let alone touch him. I have to raise my voice slightly, maybe 15 feet away and let him know I'm approaching.

When I was getting to know him in college, I came up behind him one day between classes and said, "Boo!" Well, I got a fist in my gut, which knocked the breath out of me. He had just separated from the Army months previously and his head was still in the jungle. I learned my lesson.

Hey SF! Oh dear, now I can relate to your husband too. I have PTSD and I can totally see how he is affected. Personally, I don't like people touching me without my permission anyway, but if somebody comes up behind me and touches me or suddenly speaks close to me, I am truly startled and it sends me somewhere bad. I try to keep in mind that they don't mean harm so, after I come back from crazyland (ha!), I work hard to not bonk them on the head.

Oh my. I bet you never said 'Boo' to him again! yikes. hehe - I know you mean well and I'm certain HE knows you mean well but it's just an automatic and conditioned response to be sent to another dimension with something sudden and unexpected.

chickenbutt,

Your last paragraph pretty much says it all. He was in an extremely horrible combat situation during the Viet Nam war. It was a convoy of of 700 going from point A to point B. They were attacked by the Reds. Less than 100 US survived and my DH ended up being the ranking officer. They took prisoners. Use your imagination. It lasted for several weeks. He has re-lived that initial attack a number of times - his mind actually goes back to the jungle. It's frightening and he refuses help. He'll take it to his grave.

I'm so sorry that he suffers so much. I wish he WOULD accept help! When I was diagnosed with PTSD, in addition to clinical depression, my psychiatrist recommended the psychologist that I ended up with for the next few years. She was a specialist in PTSD and I'm sure there are many others who also are. The level of understanding is profound when a doctor knows so much about PTSD.

I feel awful that he's so tortured. I understand that, although the things that torture me (still) are probably nothing like what he went through! It's all relative, but the things that cause that level of trauma never completely leave you. BUT, you can get help that makes it a lot easier to deal with, on a day to day basis. I came away with many great tools for the 'blaming myself' and the rage stuff. I do fall into a hole sometimes but I learned how to get myself out before it gets really bad and, as for the rage, I have the most simple exercises to keep me out of that space. She was absolutely invaluable to me and I miss her.

[YorkieonmyPillow]

On 3/21/2015 adelle38 said:

On 3/21/2015 terrier3 said:

On 3/21/2015 YorkieonmyPillow said:

On 3/21/2015 adelle38 said:

I'm glad you ladies find this amusing but to a survivor of abuse being touched suddenly by someone you don't know or barely know isn't a laughing matter. Just because terrier's coworker, according to her, carried it to an extreme, it doesn't make it OK.

This thread isn't about abuse. Clearly, there was no abuse during the incident.

If you find a touch difficult to allow in a friendly or helpful circumstance...I have to wonder if you are a "survivor" of abuse. It sounds as if you still have many unresolved issues and may need some outside counseling to learn how to interact in the world.

I am not saying this to be flippant or to deny your pain when being touched on the arm or tapped on the shoulder in a friendly manner. But no one deserves to have to remain in that state of hypersensitivity...you need to continue your healing process to be able to accept friendly gestures.

First of all, I never said there was abuse during the incident.

Second, you are inferring that I was abused when I was merely saying that people who have a history of abuse can find any type of touching by a relative stranger as threatening even if you perceive it as a "friendly gesture".

Third, to get back to your original story, every HR person I know has stressed that it's never OK to touch someone in the workplace without their consent no matter what your intentions may be.

I don't believe she did anything wrong by tapping this person on the shoulder. There is no way to know if someone would be triggered by something so innocuous.

There is no reason to try to cast blame when then was no harmful intent.

[terrier3]

On 3/21/2015 Plaid Pants said:

If someone flips out over a friendly tap on the shoulder, what do they do when someone accidentally bumps in to them? Have a melt-down?

There is nothing wrong with a friendly "excuse me" tap.

That's not invading someones "personal space".

I'll even put my hand on someones back, to let them know that I am behind them.

Horrors!

Have me arrested!

In MY case, my "highly sensitive" co-worker (who had never told us she had this condition - she actually told us afterward it was due to being bi-polar and off her meds) was screaming at a client on the phone and was threatening the woman with getting her fired.

She DID try to get a restraining order and DID go to a lawyer to sue me...but no one is going to get arrested for a tap or even have a civil case.

[terrier3]

On 3/21/2015 adelle38 said:

First of all, I never said there was abuse during the incident.

Second, you are inferring that I was abused when I was merely saying that people who have a history of abuse can find any type of touching by a relative stranger as threatening even if you perceive it as a "friendly gesture".

Third, to get back to your original story, every HR person I know has stressed that it's never OK to touch someone in the workplace without their consent no matter what your intentions may be.

Sorry, but HR, the police and the personal injury lawyer she attempted to hire all sided with me - the "tapper" - over the screaming, out of control, threatening worker who I tapped (ONCE) on the shoulder to let her know I was sliding a note in front of her, in an effort to stop her unprofessional, embarrassing rant.

She was fired.