Community Chat

[cherry]

@pattypeep  there is a recent study done in Germany testing 20,000 people. Some were Americans. They found no basis in fact, that  birth order has anything to do with intelligence ,or how well adjusted a person is

http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2015/10/birth-order-is-basically-meaningless/411577/

[Mominohio]

@pattypeep

I'm not sure I have much constructive to offer in advice or experience, as I come from a family with two kids, and I have an only child.

What I do want to say is that I'm sorry you are experiencing this. We have such love and hopes and dreams for our children, and especially when we have had a good relationship with them early on, it is very hurtful to be at odds with them (or them with us) and not have the relationship and feelings for them that we would wish. 

I do hope things get better with this for you. 

[KarenQVC]

It sounds like aging or other events in his life.  Ask him if there is anything you can do for him.

[Susan in California]

@pattypeep

I certainly hope you were not offended by my previous post.  I have two sons, and there have been times when one or the other have made both my husband and I either weary or worried or concerned or whatever.  It is hard to be a parent.

They are both grown now and doing fine, but there were bumps in the road.

I jumped on the fact that your younger son told you your middle son had talked about you in an unfavorable manner.

But I still do believe it is important to not have any sort of a discussion of a "put down" or negative nature with one child regarding another.

I am not an expert on birth order.  I do have three step sisters.  The oldest was moody, somewhat difficult, not very helpful in the house. But she was a good student.

The middle sister was rather quiet, studious and helpful with everything in the house.

The youngest was more outgoing, very close to her mom, and also a good student.

My widowed father married their widowed mother when the girls were 9, 12, and 15 respectively.  He had two daughters of his own, so the poor man in many ways raised five daughters!  Poor man!

I could tell his favorite of the step-daughters was the middle daughter. 

They all turned out fine.  It's been many years!

(Sorry so lengthy).

[Shorty2U]

I have seen in many families that the middle child tends to get blamed for everything, and the other siblings get away with things. I don't think the parents even do it deliberately, but Ive seen it happen.

An example- I had a friend  years ago, whose other 2 sons would trip the middle child and or tease him and he got in trouble for yelling and retaliating!. I saw it happen once when i was there and he got in trouble for nothing. I actually spoke up and said the others tripped him. The parents looked surprised. Oh well I always stick up for people who are hurting or are innocent. so I had to say something.

Another example- My 3 boy cousins. The middle one got blamed for everything. They catered to the other 2. They were all my favorite cousins. Well the middle ones 2 siblings died young, his parents are gone too, and he is still here. I'm not saying that has anything to do with it, but I often think of how they picked on him when they were all young, so its ironic he is still here and they are not.

[lolakimono]

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@2blonde wrote:

Hey!  I think it's only fair to hear from an actual middle child........ME!  I was the middle of 3 girls, one 10 years older and one 10 years younger (weird, I know).  

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@2blonde

I'm sorry about your experiences.  FYI, birth order "starts over" when there are 5 years or more between siblings.

[jubilant]

I'm don't agree with the "middle child" thing. I am definitely in the middle.  I have a sibling one year older and a sibling one year younger.  I tend to be the diplomat (more easy going).... my sister is the nuturing one (also the strongest willed one), and my brother is the achiever ( and realist) in the family.  We can all agree or disagree and still leave the room with an "I love you".

 I do think some middle childern hear all those things about "the middle child" when they are young and try to use it to their advantage.  I tried that once with my mother when I was about 10. It didn't fly!

[jubilant]

@pattypeep

Didn't mean to dismiss your concerns and wanted to add that he sounds kind of depressed to me. Could you ask him if he is ok or if anything is wrong and get a discussion started?

[Greeneyedlady21]

@pattypeep I don't know, it sounds like he might be going through some things that you don't know about. Things that go beyond the surface stuff. Maybe try to gently approach talking to him? I don't know, I don't have kids. But as an adult "kid" I would just want my Mom to listen without judgment.

Just speaking as a middle child, also the only girl in between two boys. That's always been a double whammy for me. Certainly not the "princess" role that some might think it is. Father never wanted a girl, dysfunctional family with alcoholism, being the family scapegoat, sexism run rampant. Always thinking I have to be perfect in order to be loved and accepted. That's just my experience, everyone's is different but I definitely believe birth order and gender in families plays a very significant role.

[pattypeep]

@Greeneyedlady21Thank you for your input. I have never been judgmental with my children and have always been supportive even if I did not agree with their choices. That being said, after reading all of the excellent responses and doing a lot of thinking, I am starting to believe that he is perhaps disappointed in himself. At 46, even though he has accomplished some of his goals, he is still alone. And as I said earlier, this is new because we have always had a loving relationship in the past. Maybe it's just become a reality to him.