Community Chat

[SunSprite]

@FlowerBear I would imagine that situation would hurt anyone's feelings. I'm sorry you had to go through that. 

I'm guessing that your Dad already knows, right? (since you know one person gave everyone a small gift but you, that tells me you were all probably sitting in the same room when that happened?)....So telling your Dad isn't an issue. Maybe letting him know that you are really trying with this new family and asking him for suggestions on ways to make it feel more connected as a family?

Are you sure they knew you would be there? It's hard to picture grownups acting so petty....I guess I'm trying to wrap my head around that. There's certainly no excuse for it. 

I hope this holiday is MUCH better for you, and they act better as well!

[on the bay]

@Alison Wonderland -

Thank you for that wise advice!

I'm going to think of that and say something too with an inlaw situation.

I think sometimes people don't even realize how they act or say things are hurtful and it has often just become a habit. So I might start with, "I'm sure you don't intend to but that hurts my feelings etc.

I had a friend who I admired so much because she always told people how she felt. Maybe some thought she was too blunt but I found her honesty so refreshing and she was usually right! She would always tell me my faults and yet she was one of my closest friends.

And I think when we don't ever express our feelings, you can feel the tension and resentment between everyone and it never results in better or closer relationships. 

[stevieb]

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@FlowerBear wrote:

@Mom2Dogs   thank you. it is hurtful and i had to pretend all was fine. as you can see from what I wrote, i have taken the high road and smiled and pretended i was not hurt.

i cant say anything to my dad cuz that would cause him to be upset and i dont want that. but i do appreciate your message.

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@FlowerBear  Gosh I don't know, but it sounds like maybe your dad needs to be a little upset.  I mean, you don't have to belabor it, you might even pose your comments in the form of a question like does he know if you've done something to upset the new family... If he asks why you can give him a few examples of how it seems you're systematically being left out... You seem very kind and not wanting to rock the boat, but nothing is probably going to change unless you make your feelings known, even if just very gently and just with him.

[croemer]

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@phoenixbrd wrote:

@FlowerBear   How kind of you to receive this family and appreciate your dad's happiness.  The events you describe were thoughtless and inconsiderate.  For me, I would ignore, maintain my dignity and drop it.  Explore and live a rich life with your friends and family who do appreciate your loving nature.  You have a lot to give, life is short; spend it with loved ones.  I'm sorry you had this experience.

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And this might be the right way to handle it...I just wonder if not speaking to her Dad will further isolate her from the family...just a thought.

[NicksmomESQ]

  You count too. I can see not saying anything the first time but not the second. I think you should speak to your dad. Your dad may have remarried but he has a lovely, sweet daughter who he needs to stick up for. 
  If nothing changes after you speak to your dad I would reconsider spending time with his new family.I would never go where I didn't feel wanted. I would rather be alone.
  

[Laura14]

@FlowerBear Put simply, their loss.  And you are not alone.  I’ll be struggling right along with you as will others I’m sure.  I’ll be thinking of you this Christmas.     

[alicedee]

@FlowerBear I'm sorry that happened to you.  You handled it with a lot of class.

Speaking only from my own experience...sometimes a parent doesn't do the best job blending new families.  My dad remarried less than two years after the death of our beloved Mom, who was only 52.  Although our stepmom was a very nice lady ...who was always friendly and kind to us....we were all still raw and hurting from Mom's death, and didn't want to celebrate Christmas together with her children.  So we always celebrated the week before with Dad and Stepmom, and they gathered with her children on Christmas Day.  It worked for us, with no hard feelings.  Each family had their own traditions and ways to celebrate.  We were all friendly and pleasant  to each other times we were together...no reason not to be.  But Christmas was better for both sides done separately.

If it won't work for you celebrate on a separate day, then I would just continue to do what you have done thus far.  Maybe add a new tradition and invite your Dad and his wife to join you for breakfast on Christmas Eve or New Year's Eve...just to give you some pleasant time without the whole group.

Hoping you find ways to make it more fun, without the hurt feelings.  🌷

[Sage04]

@FlowerBear, wasn´t your Dad around while this was happening? Maybe he´s waiting for you to say something to him, but he is hurting because you are hurting.

[aroc3435]

@FlowerBear Some people have class and behave as ladies and gentlemen, others don't have social manners either through ignorance of them, or just by way of being self centered or mean.

Blended families are difficult.  They have a long history of relating to each other and you are new to "their" picture. (They probably have some gripes about each other that you don't even suspect.)

I would either bake or buy a large platter of cookies or bring a big box of festive candy and state that it is a gift from you to the group to be shared while enjoying each others company during the holiday visit.

I'm a bit of an introvert myself but I wouldn't let their attitude bother me at all.  Life is too short and you love and want the relationship with your Dad.  Don't let this tribe get to you--it is not worth bothering your heart and head over such ignorance.  

You just be your gracious self and try to draw them into a conversation so you and they get to know each other better.  Ask about hobbies, work, favorite places to visit, kinds of music or books liked, pets, gardening, foods, recipes--safe topics.  

Of course, avoid politics and religion!

I hope your Christmas visit will be a happier one this year.

With warm wishes,

aroc3435

[Diva on The Q]

@Alison Wonderland: You offer the best advice! I hope  @FlowerBear  will consider your words of wisdom.