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Honored Contributor
Posts: 14,658
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: how to handle holiday with family

[ Edited ]

@FlowerBear -

HI! Maybe with the gift giving I would just say nothing because that might have been just an oversight.

However if this is the second year that not a card or gift happens, I would say something.

Depending on my mood I might even stand up and say, Hey! I'm here on Christmas day too! It's al little hurtful I'm never included and you would be too!"

Or what am I? Chopped liver?! (Actually maybe they wouldn't get that).

I think it is all too weird not to say anything if this is the second year that this will happen. And I wouldn't worry about your father's feelings which should be he doesn't want you to feel hurt either!

I think we all have wondered should I say something or just keep the peace?

I have to ask myself, if I say something, how can I say it in a way that will be best received and to go forward with a better relationship. And can I feel good about letting this go all the time?

Sometimes expressing our feelings with each other brings about closer relationships. I'm sure you want that seeing as how this is a family you will be spending time with.

"If you walk the footsteps of a stranger, you'll learn things you never knew. Can you sing with all the voices of the mountains? can you paint with all the colors of the wind?"
Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,120
Registered: ‎03-29-2019

Re: how to handle holiday with family

[ Edited ]

@FlowerBear 

 

 

 

Are you close to your dad? 

 

 

I would still tell your dad how his new family is hurting you, afterall, your dad wouldn't want you to be unhappy, right?

 

 

 

I have a story that kinda relates to this.

 

 

Years ago, when my dad was going for all sorts of pre-op testing to get a new heart valve, my cousin (the retired Navy one, who was my dad's niece) decided to spend the day with us as my dad and I spent the day at a hospital as some of these tests were being done.

 

We were in a waiting room, waiting for results to come back, when Navy was getting impatient, and wanted the results NOW.

 

I nicely tried to say that it takes time, be patient, etc, but she was having none of it.

 

 

Dad said nothing, so I said nothing, because I didn't want to upset him, and I wanted to keep the peace.

 

 

Once back at our hotel rooms, and Navy had left, I told my dad how I didn't like how bossy Navy was, and how she had tried to take over.

 

To my surprise, my dad said that he was put off by her bossiness, too!

 

 

So, you never know. 

 

Tell you dad that the others have hurt you.

 

What good is it doing you to keep these feelings inside, festering?

 

Your dad may think that you're okay with the way that they are treating you.

 

Speak up for yourself!

 

Life is too short to not do that.

The Sky looks different when you have someone you love up there.
Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,452
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: how to handle holiday with family


@phoenixbrd wrote:

@FlowerBear   How kind of you to receive this family and appreciate your dad's happiness.  The events you describe were thoughtless and inconsiderate.  For me, I would ignore, maintain my dignity and drop it.  Explore and live a rich life with your friends and family who do appreciate your loving nature.  You have a lot to give, life is short; spend it with loved ones.  I'm sorry you had this experience.


@phoenixbrd  Stated beautifully.

⚓️
Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,452
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: how to handle holiday with family

@FlowerBear 

 

You are a good person. Putting others happiness before your own. 

⚓️
Honored Contributor
Posts: 8,736
Registered: ‎02-19-2014

Re: how to handle holiday with family

I think you should tell your dad. He's your dad. Dads need to know these things. You don't have to accuse anybody or be negative. Just let him know your feelings were hurt and you are trying to figure out how to keep it from happening this year. Ask for his help to be more included with the family.

When you’re accustomed to privilege, equality feels like oppression.
"Power without love is reckless and abusive, and love without power is sentimental and anemic." - Dr. Martin Luther King Jr
Honored Contributor
Posts: 18,218
Registered: ‎11-08-2014

Re: how to handle holiday with family

However you choose to navigate these choppy family waters-- and the behavior toward you is VERY disappointing, for sure--  I hope the behavior doesn't affect your sense of yourself, @FlowerBear.  You are a valuable, worthwhile, precious human being, regardless of how others conduct themselves.

 

You also have shown sensitivity and thoughtfulness, wonderful qualities that in other quarters would be highly appreciated. 

Honored Contributor
Posts: 19,346
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: how to handle holiday with family

I agree that they have overlooked you enough for it to be hurtful. You seem to be pleasant to them so there's not much more you can do. I wouldn't run to daddy because that could lead to a fractured relationship. None of this is your fault - some of them seem insensitive.

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,040
Registered: ‎09-12-2010

Re: how to handle holiday with family

How sad that you were treated so shabby by your "new family". I have a feeling that someone in that group can see what is going on, but whether or not they say anything to the others is a big question mark. I also bet your dad saw it as well but is probably hoping things will work out.

 

I think you're doing the right thing by taking the high road and not saying anything. Like I said, I bet someone can see what's going on. You are showing class, poise and being the better person. Hold your head high and remain above the pettiness just as you're doing. Bless you and best of luck this year.

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,763
Registered: ‎07-26-2019

Re: how to handle holiday with family

 If your relationship to your Father is important to you , just remember  nothing  else really matters . Gather support and air your feelings with those that you trust who care abt how you feel.  If , it would have me, I would have said  " Oh, if I had known  you all were exchanging   gifts, I would have brought  something ". 

Honored Contributor
Posts: 11,045
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: how to handle holiday with family


@FlowerBear wrote:

having had a new family for the past couple of years since my dad remarried, its different of course. a couple things happened that kind of hurt my feelings but i did not let on they did and remained with a smile on my face and said nothing.

 

one thing was last Christmas one of them gave each person a small gift except for me!   i was humilated.  i never let anyone know it though, why would i.

 

also one of them gave cards to a few others that they had not mailed the cards to. none was given to me by them or sent to me by them.  i have sent a card to all of my step family members since we have been step family. i pretended to ignore this and not let on i was hurt.

 

i have not one time ever, by any of the new family members been given a compliment on anything! they are always complementing each other. i will compliment if i am true in it, like how i liked one of their new hair styles or cute sweater.

 

i am an introvert type person and i dont talk alot in a group like this but i try and be nice to everyone.

 

i am not unhappy for my dad to have remarried so that is a non issue. i love and care about my new family. it is just kinda hurtful the things i said above.

 

thanks for reading!


Well, you have a good reason to be hurt! Have you spoken to your Dad about the situation? I would want to know if one of my children was being left out? I know you probably do not want to rock the boat...but if Dad doesn't know...he can not mention how you are feeling?

 

Bless your heart you sound like a wonderful person.

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