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Honored Contributor
Posts: 13,586
Registered: ‎01-02-2011

Re: how to handle holiday with family

If it happens again this year, I would make other plans for next year.  Who needs the grief?  I might invite my father to have lunch with me or to another activity he enjoys.  

Honored Contributor
Posts: 11,125
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: how to handle holiday with family

Oooh, I wouldn't say anything to the stepmother.  That's like attacking her cubs.  Believe me, she's aware of what her offspring are doing.  Who gave who what during gift exchanges---it's what it's all about!  Mothers/women are especially keen on this.

 

I wouldn't want anything to do with these people again.  I'm not kidding.  Maybe the father is happy, but he should care about his daughter's feelings, too.  That should never go away.  At least I hope not.

 

Just walk away and see if anyone asks about you.  If they are cold and heartless, they won't.  So let them do their own little thing for Christmas, but you'll save yourself some money for not having to buy them gifts and send them cards. 

 

Buy something nice for YOU.Heart

Frequent Contributor
Posts: 129
Registered: ‎11-03-2013

Re: how to handle holiday with family

My mother passed away at age 84 and my father remarried 3 years later. he lives in a differenet state. I would visit him around Chrismass and her grandaughters would also visit. I felt excluded along with my husband. My husband and I would request that eveyone eat together or meet together. After a couple of years, it was  a lot of effort on my part only, so I stopped trying. I am more at peace now 

 

I realized that I was never close to my father anyway, so  for the past year, I keep my distance and I feel a lot better. 

 

When people dont appreciate me, I keep my distance and preserve my sanity. I just cherish the holidays I had with my mother and try to create new memories with those peple that want to spend time with me.

 

I hope you can figure out what works for you. Merry Christmass!

Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,152
Registered: ‎02-05-2018

Re: how to handle holiday with family


@on the bay wrote:

@Alison Wonderland -

Thank you for that wise advice!

I'm going to think of that and say something too with an inlaw situation.

I think sometimes people don't even realize how they act or say things are hurtful and it has often just become a habit. So I might start with, "I'm sure you don't intend to but that hurts my feelings etc.

I had a friend who I admired so much because she always told people how she felt. Maybe some thought she was too blunt but I found her honesty so refreshing and she was usually right! She would always tell me my faults and yet she was one of my closest friends.

And I think when we don't ever express our feelings, you can feel the tension and resentment between everyone and it never results in better or closer relationships. 


Good luck, @on the bay  !  hope it works out for you. 

Honored Contributor
Posts: 8,399
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: how to handle holiday with family

I think I would have to excuse myself from any future gatherings, no explanations.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,527
Registered: ‎03-24-2018

Re: how to handle holiday with family

i dont consider myself being a martyr in all of this.  i am hurt by the actions at times is all.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 14,078
Registered: ‎06-09-2014

Re: how to handle holiday with family

@FlowerBear  Being a class act is never matrydom. I commend you for keeping your decorum and not putting your father in a difficult situation. 

 

I hope you have a wonderful and more peaceful holiday season. 

Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,527
Registered: ‎03-24-2018

Re: how to handle holiday with family

I want you all to know how much all of your replies mean to me and how much i am thankful for them and for the support you have given me.

 

My being an introvert type person plus shy I am not the kind to speak up ori be the center of attention.

 

My dad would not want me to say a negative word about the family I do know that. He cares more about keeping the peace and I do too.  The truth is he would not want to hear my negative comments.

 

I am telling myself all of the time as long as he is happy and his wife is good to him, that is all that matters.

 

The holidays are hard enough these days with my Mom being gone.  I just would like to feel I belong in this family but dont know if I will ever feel that way or be included.

 

I cant talk to my friends offline because all of this is embarrassing and humiliating so I just keep quiet.

 

I do hope this year will go better and I can feel a sense of belonging.  

 

I did read every word here and appreciate the words of wisdom an suggestions and advice, I really do. Thank you so much. Heart

Honored Contributor
Posts: 8,736
Registered: ‎02-19-2014

Re: how to handle holiday with family

@FlowerBearThen find one person in that family that you feel good around. And gradually open up to that person. You don't need everyone to like you, just one good person

 

And if you aren't going to talk to anyone but us about how you feel, then just let it all go.

 

Clean slate. It only hurts you to hold onto those sad feelings. And oddly enough (and I know this from experience) when you conceal your feelings but hold onto them, you become harder to like and people kind of shy away -- because they can tell something is wrong but they can't figure out what it is. The more transparent and in the present moment you can be, the more others will be drawn to you. (The work of Eckhart Tolle might help.) Your vibe will be welcoming and Christmasy.

 

All the best of luck to you.

When you’re accustomed to privilege, equality feels like oppression.
"Power without love is reckless and abusive, and love without power is sentimental and anemic." - Dr. Martin Luther King Jr
Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,353
Registered: ‎05-21-2010

Re: how to handle holiday with family

@FlowerBear  You said one person brought gifts for everyone but you and another person handed out cards. It wasn't a gift exchange where you were left out. Do you know the person who brought the gifts? Did he or she know that you were going to be there? What type of relationship do you have with the stepmother? Maybe it was an oversight and not meant as a slight to you. It is really hard to think that an adult would do something so mean. It is equally hard for me to understand how your dad could not see that this was hurtful to you. I would let your dad know that you were a little hurt. Don't make a big deal of it but he should know. Why is it that when men remarry after the death of a spouse or a divorce the second wife's family trumps his children? There is no way that I could stay silent and let someone hurt my adult child. And no it doesn't have to become an all out war just maybe your dad should mention to his wife that you know Sally is going to be there I hope she is not left out this year when everyone gets gift.