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Regular Contributor
Posts: 193
Registered: ‎04-29-2015

Re: am i overracting to this situation?

I am a single woman who has lived in my neighborhood for almost 30 years.

 

From my perspective, there are times when I need a "Prince Charming" to help out. However, PC is always out of town, so I am grateful when my neighbors help out with fallen tree limbs, moving something heavy, or shoveling snow. They don’t do the whole job for me, just help. It’s just nice when I don’t have to do it all alone. On the other hand, I don’t want someone helping all the time so I feel obligated.

 

I don’t offer money, but I do bake cookies or bread and drop that off. I appreciate the help! Sometimes, there is only so much I can do by myself.

 

I guess it depends on attitude. I am not interested in anyone's husband, sometimes a single person just needs some help.

 

dragonfly

Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,004
Registered: ‎11-21-2011

Re: am i overracting to this situation?

I don't get how people are saying by taking the money it's no longer a good deed. He went over to help not expecting any money. That's a good deed and it doesn't get washed away. I assume she insisted he take the money.

 

I do things for some of my friends that I get paid for in my business. I would absolutely do them for free for my friends. They all insist on paying me. I'm not crazy about it but I've gotten used to it.

 

I woudn't say anything to this woman about it, but if you do the only thing to say is "Bob loves helping out the neighbors and there's really no need to pay him." And that should just be when you're having a neighborly chat. It shouldn't be the point of any conversation.

 

Also since she's new to the area and doesn't know people she wouldn't know what else to do as a gift. I think in a lot of circumstances the person might grab the guy a 6 pack of beer or something. And get over the idea that your husband embarrassed you. That's terrible. He sounds like an awesome guy and I hope you didn't actually tell him that.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 23,835
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: am i overracting to this situation?

@kittyloo  Yes a bit embarrassing .....

 

Perhaps your DH just does not see it as you explained it?    Do you feel alright about explaining to DH how you felt about the situation and why it was wrong to accept the money?  

 

I would have let MY DH hear all about how I felt.  But that is just me.  

 

 

Honored Contributor
Posts: 9,469
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: am i overracting to this situation?

Personally, I think he was wrong to take it however what's done is done.

 

Next time he sees her out trying to do something, tell him to mind his own business.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,844
Registered: ‎03-14-2010

Re: am i overracting to this situation?


@DiAnne wrote:

I agree that you help out neighbors without pay but maybe your new single neighbor was uncomfortable with the situation and wanted to make clear boundaries.  


I agree.  It can be difficult being a single woman, especially that age, because you end up being under some wife's suspicion.  I think the money was to say to him that you're not taking advantage of his generosity, and a message to you that she's not trying to steal your husband.

If you give the money back you could give the impression that you're not friendly toward her, and you're watching him like a hawk.

Let it go.  When you see her, wave or say hello.  Time will tell if you need to establish boundaries.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 12,520
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: am i overracting to this situation?

My husband has been in the same situation.  Most of our neighbors are widows or have older/sick husbands.

 

Recently, he was up on our roof, cleaning gutters and then doing some yard work.  A neighbor from across the way came over said to him "I'm having a gutter issue can you look at it?" Of course, he did and ended up fixing her gutter guards and cleaning off the debris on her roof.  Since he was up there he did her next door neighbors, too!

 

She was very appreciative and offered to pay him.  He didn't want to take it but she insisted! Of course, he kept refusing -- a few

days later she came over with a gc to our golf course and told him since he wouldn't take the cash this was the next best thing.  

 

Even my good friend who just moved across the street (single woman) always wants to pay him when he helps her out.  Last week he helped her put some things up in her garage, helped her with some yard work, etc. -- she wanted to pay him!  Nope, just being neighborly.  She brought him today gc to a restaurant 🙄

 

I just think we are used to paying for services because there aren't too many people nowadays who do things just because they're "neighborly".

 

Your spouse probably didn't know anyway to refuse without seeming "unneighborly"...if you feel uncomfortable with it you should let spouse know & personally I wouldn't say anything to her because that maybe just what she's used to doing!

 

If she felt uncomfortable I'm sure she'll tell you! (But, I don't think she will.). 

 

At this point, I'd let it go!

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 7,829
Registered: ‎03-18-2010

Re: am i overracting to this situation?

@kittyloo, I totally understand how you feel. I would be embarrassed if my husband accepted money too. The more I thought about it though, the more I felt I needed more info for a clearer picture.

 

I do agree with you in the sense that I would want to learn how to do it on MY leaf blower/vacuums just so I knew how to use it in the future. I am horrible with stuff like that and it would do me no good to see how it is done on my neighbors. 

 

Did you talk to your DD about this because perhaps the neighbor really insisted he took the money. Some people really want to "pay their way" and don't want to be seen as someone who takes advantage of help in that way. Now your husband did go over there and offer but I know from being in the same position, I still feel like I want to "pay my own way" and I probably would have done the same thing and offered money too or even lightly insisted. In that case it could be considered as rude if your husband declined.

 

So that info in needed for me to form an opinion. Ask your daughter.

 

As to going over there and returning the money. ABSOLUTELY NOT. While you may be embarrassed your husband accepted the money (and I would be too) your husband is an ADULT. It is most definitely not your place to go over there like his mother and return the money. Plus that could make you look slightly overbearing and even a little jealous and some COULD possibly take that as a slightly passive aggressive move by you as a way to say "back off". Now I wouldn't personally think that you were meaning it that way but I have been alive long enough to know there are people who would think that. 

 

If you talk to your husband and explain your side and suggest he return it that is one thing but taking it back on your own is not your place.

Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.
JFK
Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 7,930
Registered: ‎05-08-2010

Re: am i overracting to this situation?

@kittyloo  Where was your DD during all this?  What was her take on all that transpired?  Personally, I would let it go.  It is something my DH would do, but I doubt he would take the money. 

 

Looking at this from a single person's viewpoint - my sister is single.  Her riding lawnmower wasn't working.  A man around the corner (she has spoken with before because he is a neighbor) fixes and sells lawnmowers out of his garage.  She asked him if he would look at her mower.  He walked over, looked it over, checked it out, and got it running.  It took all of ten minutes.  They talked a few minutes and he started to walk away.  My sister said, "wait, I want to pay you."  He said no, it was nothing.  She said, "it isn't nothing to me.  I want to pay you so if I need you again for a repair I won't feel funny calling you."  He laughed, said okay, and took the $20.

 

Maybe this is what this woman was thinking.  She is new to the neighborhood, single, alone, and she may need help from time to time. 

 

Don't sweat this.  It sounds like your husband is a nice guy.  You are blessed. 

 

 

Fear not Brothers and Sisters! I have read THE BOOK..........we win!!!
Honored Contributor
Posts: 16,366
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: am i overracting to this situation?

Yes, i think so ,now if hubby starts spending time doing this ,i would stop him.

When you lose some one you L~O~V~E, that Memory of them, becomes a TREASURE.
Honored Contributor
Posts: 18,661
Registered: ‎04-28-2010

Re: am i overracting to this situation?

The more I think about it, the more I like this woman.

She kept it as 'business as usual'.

I'm similar.  I'd rather pay someone to do 'this and that'.  I feel better about paying for services.  The 'friendly' way sometimes doesn't work out.  Less problems being 'business-like'.

'More or less', 'Right or wrong', 'In general', and 'Just thinking out loud ' (as usual).