Reply
Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,538
Registered: ‎04-28-2010

Re: Would you trust a friend....

Years ago someone broke a trust. Was a secret, nothing over the top.  She told it right out to a larger group of friends. Lesson learned. If it’s a secret. Tell no one.  Then you are safe.  Once you tell it it’s no longer private.  

Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,496
Registered: ‎01-23-2019

Re: Would you trust a friend....


@Calcgirl wrote:

 

What I don't understand is why did you discuss it with TWO people if it was so private????


One was my best friend, the other my mother. Those are the people I felt I could trust for some sound advice and to be there to listen. My mother turned out to be the best choice in this case. She is just the best person ever in this life, I’m so lucky to have her.

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,889
Registered: ‎03-13-2010

Re: Would you trust a friend....


@shaggygirl wrote:

Some women think that "don't repeat this to anyone" does not include their own husband. To them it means they will not tell anyone else in the whole wide world except for him, he is not included the "anyone".


 

I sort of feel the same way.  

 

I would never tell someone a secret and then ask that they don't tell their husband (or wife).  I recently told one of my sons about a personal issue.  (There was a compelling reason why he needed to know.)  I asked him to keep it quiet.  But I added that of course he could share it with his wife.  He said he may or may not, but it's fine with me if he does.

 

If I really don't want anyone to know something, I keep my mouth shut.  That way I know for sure the secret is safe.  I have been keeping a very big secret told to me by a close friend nearly 10 years ago.  I've never said a word to anyone - I haven't even been tempted.  

 

As for the OP's situation, I don't think it's a big deal if the friend confided in her husband.  If it went further than that, then the friend betrayed a trust.  But the OP doesn't even seem to be sure.  I would be careful about blaming her for something she might or might not have done.

 

 

Valued Contributor
Posts: 809
Registered: ‎12-28-2011

Re: Would you trust a friend....

@Carmie : The secret will come out if that person decides to do a DNA test from Ancestry.com. That is how a couple of my friends found out the truth. 

Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,496
Registered: ‎01-23-2019

Re: Would you trust a friend....


@NYC Susan wrote:

@shaggygirl wrote:

Some women think that "don't repeat this to anyone" does not include their own husband. To them it means they will not tell anyone else in the whole wide world except for him, he is not included the "anyone".


 

I sort of feel the same way.  

 

I would never tell someone a secret and then ask that they don't tell their husband (or wife).  I recently told one of my sons about a personal issue.  (There was a compelling reason why he needed to know.)  I asked him to keep it quiet.  But I added that of course he could share it with his wife.  He said he may or may not, but it's fine with me if he does.

 

If I really don't want anyone to know something, I keep my mouth shut.  That way I know for sure the secret is safe.  I have been keeping a very big secret told to me by a close friend nearly 10 years ago.  I've never said a word to anyone - I haven't even been tempted.  

 

As for the OP's situation, I don't think it's a big deal if the friend confided in her husband.  If it went further than that, then the friend betrayed a trust.  But the OP doesn't even seem to be sure.  I would be careful about blaming her for something she might or might not have done.

 

 


Just to clarify, I already stated this, I am quite sure she told her husband as she offered me his opinion on my situation. It is a big deal, as going forwared I never want to see him, knowing he knows my personal business and will be most certainly judging about it.  He's a rude loudmouth and I wouldn't put it past him to be inappropriate and say something about it to me too.  Would you be looking forward to such a situtaion for your own self?  Or would you prefer to never be put in that potentially embarassing situation?  

Honored Contributor
Posts: 32,488
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: Would you trust a friend....


@alarmclock wrote:

@Sooner wrote:

I think it is unfair to tell someone something you REALLY REALLY don't want ever told.  It is a big burden for them.  If you want it kept secret, keep it secret yourself. 

 

 


Why is it a burden?  I would be happy to help a friend carry a burden!

 

Being trusted is a compliment.


@alarmclock  Not to me it isn't.  I am a very good friend but I don't want to carry friend's deep dark secrets.  Never.  Ever!  I don't like gossip, I don't like knowing things others don't want to be known.  

 

Yes, it would be a burden to know someone's deep dark secret and be obligated to harbor that and not tell anyone. If it's something they are ashamed of, they should live with it because it if hurtful--don't tell your good friends hurtful things. 

 

And yes, my husband and I do not keep secrets from one another.  But also, we are very private people ourselves, and so are our friends.  Both of us shy away I guess from gossipy people.  I cannot imagine my friends talking about anybody's sex life.  We just aren't wired that way.

 

We are very close, care for one another, love and uphold one another, but just don't "share" on that level.  Any of us would be uncomfortable with that. 

 

What I HATE is someone who tells you some gossip and then says "DON'T TELL ANYONE!"  To me, hey I didn't ASK to be told and you didn't ASK me if you could tell me, so don't count on me to keep secrets!  It isn't fair to do people that way.  Not everyone is eager to harbor gossip.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 18,612
Registered: ‎10-25-2010

Re: Would you trust a friend....


@cactusgal wrote:

@Carmie : The secret will come out if that person decides to do a DNA test from Ancestry.com. That is how a couple of my friends found out the truth. 


 

Yes, I know.  DNA testing has become mainstream today. The child in question is now in his late 50's.  He is was one of four children.  One brother has passed and he still has two sisters.

 

He must look like his biological father because he is well over 6 ft tall and handsome as all get out.  The other three children are shorter and he doesn't look anything like them.

 

His siblings have always told him in jest, that he must belong to the milkman because he doesn't look like anyone in the family.

 

His mother, her husband  (who died when all the children were still young) and his biological father are all gone now.

 

His mother asked me if she should tell him...I told her to use her judgement but I thought telling him would cause more hurt and pain than it would help.  

 

So, she passed about 6 weeks ago, taking her secret with her.  I think I am the only one who knows.  I hope I never have to tell him and he never finds out.

 

Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,439
Registered: ‎06-12-2010

Re: Would you trust a friend....


@Sooner wrote:

@alarmclock wrote:

@Sooner wrote:

I think it is unfair to tell someone something you REALLY REALLY don't want ever told.  It is a big burden for them.  If you want it kept secret, keep it secret yourself. 

 

 


Why is it a burden?  I would be happy to help a friend carry a burden!

 

Being trusted is a compliment.


@alarmclock  Not to me it isn't.  I am a very good friend but I don't want to carry friend's deep dark secrets.  Never.  Ever!  I don't like gossip, I don't like knowing things others don't want to be known.  

 

Yes, it would be a burden to know someone's deep dark secret and be obligated to harbor that and not tell anyone. If it's something they are ashamed of, they should live with it because it if hurtful--don't tell your good friends hurtful things. 

 

And yes, my husband and I do not keep secrets from one another.  But also, we are very private people ourselves, and so are our friends.  Both of us shy away I guess from gossipy people.  I cannot imagine my friends talking about anybody's sex life.  We just aren't wired that way.

 

We are very close, care for one another, love and uphold one another, but just don't "share" on that level.  Any of us would be uncomfortable with that. 

 

What I HATE is someone who tells you some gossip and then says "DON'T TELL ANYONE!"  To me, hey I didn't ASK to be told and you didn't ASK me if you could tell me, so don't count on me to keep secrets!  It isn't fair to do people that way.  Not everyone is eager to harbor gossip.

 


 

You need to look up the difference between gossip and secret.

 

Wow.  Calm down.

 

 

Super Contributor
Posts: 402
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: Would you trust a friend....

@KentuckyWoman  I am the same way.  Any secrets I tell my husband are in a complete vault.  He's never betrayed by trust or told any secrets about others that I've told him.  I am the same way in not telling any of his secrets as well.  My goodness if you cannot trust your own husband then who can you trust?????

Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,496
Registered: ‎01-23-2019

Re: Would you trust a friend....

May I ask the question, if a friend tells you some very personal info, whether it's health, relationships, money problems, whatever, and you tell your husband, do you not think he will have a different way of looking at this person next time he sees them? Or at the very least have some opinion about it?  That is human instinct.  Do you think it's fair to introduce that bias into the relationship between your husband and your friend, or family member, or whoever it is? Or do you think it's more fair to just maintain the confidence of the other person so they can be treated more objectively by your spouse?  You should consider this question where someone told YOUR business to their spouse without your approval, and now you have to see them at a dinner party, bbq etc.  How do you now feel?  Weird a little? When he's looking at you and even maybe says so how's things with you and whatever situation xyz? Or at the very least is thinking it.  AWKWARD