Would you trust a friend.... - Page 6

Grouchomarx · ‎01-23-2019

Thanks for all your kind advice and insight. Just to cover a few things that were mentioned. First of all I never used the word SECRET, I said it was private stuff. Second, I never said don't tell anyone, as I thought that was implicit. Like I said, I've never told any of her private stuff to anyone, and not because she asked me not to. I know she told her husband because she decided to tell me what HE thought about my relationship. I desperately needed someone to talk to during a difficult time in my life so I turned to her. I normally don't "dump" on people I'm close to, I try to manage my stress and problems on my own but this was an extreme case. Anyway, I'll see how I feel going forward with her. We have been friends for close to 10 years so it's worth keeping the friendship, it just may not be as close as it once was. And as for you @Cats3000, you're rather unkind and I don't know what your problem is.

Lipstickdiva · ‎03-10-2010

I would be upset and feel betrayed. If she's a really good friend, have a conversation with her about it. I would then just know that she cannot be trusted with a secret.

I'm the type of person that if someone tells me something, I don't repeat it. Not to anyone. But not everyone is like that.

As far as being in the situation? Yes. I have a relative who cannot be trusted with anything. If you tell her something about someone, if we are all together and having a good time, she thinks it's okay to spill the beans about what was said and she laughs and makes a joke about it. More than once when a group of us are out, she will say "so and so told me not to tell you this but......" Obviously she does it to everyone. Not everyone in our group realizes that if she's doing this with one person, she's doing it with everyone.

Allegheny · ‎03-19-2010

@Grouchomarx You were careful with wording your post. You stated you discussed private information with two people, but you did not preface whether you asked each to keep the information confidential to share with no one. Did you advise each of them or did you just assume they would not share? My other question is how did you learn that your friend shared the information with her husband?

Before I could even answer you question, I would have to know that information. I have experienced discussing sensitive information only to find out later from the individual they also discussed it with one of their family members. I was aghast and stated such to them. The answer I received was an apology and the reminder that I didn't tell them to keep it confidential. I couldn't be angry because the error was my own.

Grouchomarx · ‎01-23-2019

@Allegheny wrote:
@Grouchomarx You were careful with wording your post. You stated you discussed private information with two people, but you did not preface whether you asked each to keep the information confidential to share with no one. Did you advise each of them or did you just assume they would not share? My other question is how did you learn that your friend shared the information with her husband?

Before I could even answer you question, I would have to know that information. I have experienced discussing sensitive information only to find out later from the individual they also discussed it with one of their family members. I was aghast and stated such to them. The answer I received was an apology and the reminder that I didn't tell them to keep it confidential. I couldn't be angry because the error was my own.

I covered all that a couple posts up. Thanks.

Lipstickdiva · ‎03-10-2010

@Cats3000 wrote:
You told ANYONE (other than a professional) about relatiobship issues? And "the word got around"? Look in the mirror. YOU are the problem. And you have the chutzpah (Google it) to ask about what to do with the other person? You might want to take a step back and ask what you should do about yourself. And YOU have "unsavory secrets" about her? Open the vault, take them out and shred them.

You might want to check the definition of "privacy". Then use your judgement.

What in the what?

CelticCrafter · ‎03-09-2010

Some people just can't keep a secret no matter how hard they try.

My sister was one of them. I can't tell you how many surprises she ruined by telling.

I on the other hand will take a secret to the grave with me.

chrystaltree · ‎05-10-2010

@Grouchomarx wrote:
Thanks for all your kind advice and insight. Just to cover a few things that were mentioned. First of all I never used the word SECRET, I said it was private stuff. Second, I never said don't tell anyone, as I thought that was implicit. Like I said, I've never told any of her private stuff to anyone, and not because she asked me not to. I know she told her husband because she decided to tell me what HE thought about my relationship. I desperately needed someone to talk to during a difficult time in my life so I turned to her. I normally don't "dump" on people I'm close to, I try to manage my stress and problems on my own but this was an extreme case. Anyway, I'll see how I feel going forward with her. We have been friends for close to 10 years so it's worth keeping the friendship, it just may not be as close as it once was. And as for you @Cats3000, you're rather unkind and I don't know what your problem is.

That changes things a little. If you never said that you it was a confidential conversation, if you never asked her to keep it private; she felt free to disclose it. Most real friends would not have done even, most people know when something is private even if the teller doesn't specially say that. If you want this person as friend, I do think that makes if easier to put it behind you and move on with the friendship. I won't say "forgive" because I don't think anyone can forgive such a thing. You can only put it away.

Allegheny · ‎03-19-2010

@Grouchomarx wrote:
@Allegheny wrote:
@Grouchomarx You were careful with wording your post. You stated you discussed private information with two people, but you did not preface whether you asked each to keep the information confidential to share with no one. Did you advise each of them or did you just assume they would not share? My other question is how did you learn that your friend shared the information with her husband?

Before I could even answer you question, I would have to know that information. I have experienced discussing sensitive information only to find out later from the individual they also discussed it with one of their family members. I was aghast and stated such to them. The answer I received was an apology and the reminder that I didn't tell them to keep it confidential. I couldn't be angry because the error was my own.
I covered all that a couple posts up. Thanks.

@Grouchomarx Yes you did. I had composed my reply and then got distracted before I hit post. I apologize.

I don't believe your friend consciously meant to betray your trust. Speaking for myself only, in the case of a very good, long term friend, I would have to turn the other cheek and forgive. If I wished to confide again with them, I would set a prequalifier to please keep it between the two of us.

Anonymous032819 · ‎03-29-2019

@Grouchomarx wrote:
Thanks for all your kind advice and insight. Just to cover a few things that were mentioned. First of all I never used the word SECRET, I said it was private stuff. Second, I never said don't tell anyone, as I thought that was implicit. Like I said, I've never told any of her private stuff to anyone, and not because she asked me not to. I know she told her husband because she decided to tell me what HE thought about my relationship. I desperately needed someone to talk to during a difficult time in my life so I turned to her. I normally don't "dump" on people I'm close to, I try to manage my stress and problems on my own but this was an extreme case. Anyway, I'll see how I feel going forward with her. We have been friends for close to 10 years so it's worth keeping the friendship, it just may not be as close as it once was. And as for you @Cats3000, you're rather unkind and I don't know what your problem is.

Then the fault lies with you.

One can't just assume that the other won't tell, just because.

It has to be made crystal clear that it is just to stay between the two involved, by saying something to the effect of, "This just stays between you and me. You can't tell anyone, not even your dog."

Since you didn't do that, she felt that it was okay to tell her husband.

Next time, be sure to let her know that she can't breathe a word of it to anybody, including her husband before you tell her anything personal.

The Sky looks different when you have someone you love up there.

Anonymous032819 · ‎03-29-2019

@SXMGirl wrote:
I don't confide anything to anyone if I have something that I don't want repeated. I also don't believe in telling a spouse anything just because you don't keep secrets. DH only hears the things from me that he needs to know. I determine what that is.

Curious, does your husband do the same to you? Does he keep things from you, and only tells you things that you need to know, and does he determine what that is?

The Sky looks different when you have someone you love up there.