Would you trust a friend.... - Page 10

NYC Susan · ‎03-13-2010

@Grouchomarx wrote:
@NYC Susan wrote:
@shaggygirl wrote:
Some women think that "don't repeat this to anyone" does not include their own husband. To them it means they will not tell anyone else in the whole wide world except for him, he is not included the "anyone".

I sort of feel the same way.

I would never tell someone a secret and then ask that they don't tell their husband (or wife). I recently told one of my sons about a personal issue. (There was a compelling reason why he needed to know.) I asked him to keep it quiet. But I added that of course he could share it with his wife. He said he may or may not, but it's fine with me if he does.

If I really don't want anyone to know something, I keep my mouth shut. That way I know for sure the secret is safe. I have been keeping a very big secret told to me by a close friend nearly 10 years ago. I've never said a word to anyone - I haven't even been tempted.

As for the OP's situation, I don't think it's a big deal if the friend confided in her husband. If it went further than that, then the friend betrayed a trust. But the OP doesn't even seem to be sure. I would be careful about blaming her for something she might or might not have done.

Just to clarify, I already stated this, I am quite sure she told her husband as she offered me his opinion on my situation. It is a big deal, as going forwared I never want to see him, knowing he knows my personal business and will be most certainly judging about it. He's a rude loudmouth and I wouldn't put it past him to be inappropriate and say something about it to me too. Would you be looking forward to such a situtaion for your own self? Or would you prefer to never be put in that potentially embarassing situation?

Yes, I understand that there seems to be evidence she told her husband. But you also said she might have told someone else, and you really don't know if she did or not, so you're accusing her of more than she actually might have done.

If I wanted something to not be said to anyone, no one at all, I would do one of two things: Either I would VERY clearly tell my friend that I didn't want her to tell anyone, no one at all - or I wouldn't confide in her. You said that you assumed she knew it was meant to be kept secret, but you didn't actually tell her that. If it was so important to you that it go no further, then you should have told her so. That one little bit of communication might have made the difference.

To answer your questions:

I don't have any friends with rude loud-mouth husbands (or wives) who tend to be inappropriate, but if I did, I probably wouldn't confide in that friend. Why risk having my personal info getting into the hands of a rude loud-mouth?

Yes, of course, I would prefer to never be put in that potentially embarrassing situation. So I would be very, very careful with my own private information.

You're the one who chose to confide this information, and you weren't clear that it was to go no further. It's not unusual for spouses to share information, and in my experience it doesn't go further than that. I'm not saying this is all your fault, but it's not all her fault either.

NYC Susan · ‎03-13-2010

@Mumof2 wrote:
@KentuckyWoman I am the same way. Any secrets I tell my husband are in a complete vault. He's never betrayed by trust or told any secrets about others that I've told him. I am the same way in not telling any of his secrets as well. My goodness if you cannot trust your own husband then who can you trust?????

Exactly. In a marriage, trust is everything.

(I like the term you used - "in a complete vault". Great description!)

Trinity11 · ‎11-16-2014

I am not in the habit of telling a good friend any kind of information that may put a burden on them to not "tell."

I did tell a family member in our extended family something many years ago that I told them to keep to themselves. I later found out that this person had told every single relative we had. After that, I knew enough to never tell them anything personal again.

Sometimes in life, we have to learn hard lessons in human nature.

NYC Susan · ‎03-13-2010

@Grouchomarx wrote:
May I ask the question, if a friend tells you some very personal info, whether it's health, relationships, money problems, whatever, and you tell your husband, do you not think he will have a different way of looking at this person next time he sees them? Or at the very least have some opinion about it? That is human instinct. Do you think it's fair to introduce that bias into the relationship between your husband and your friend, or family member, or whoever it is? Or do you think it's more fair to just maintain the confidence of the other person so they can be treated more objectively by your spouse? You should consider this question where someone told YOUR business to their spouse without your approval, and now you have to see them at a dinner party, bbq etc. How do you now feel? Weird a little? When he's looking at you and even maybe says so how's things with you and whatever situation xyz? Or at the very least is thinking it. AWKWARD.

I'm not that concerned with what other people might or might not be thinking about me. I honestly don't think I'm on their minds all that much. Most people have quite a lot to think about, and I doubt I'm at the center of their universe. So I wouldn't give it a second thought, and I certainly wouldn't be stressing about what someone might or might not think and might or might not say.

I can't imagine what kind of private information would get the kind of reaction you're talking about, but if there is such information, then for sure I would be keeping it to myself. (And if I knew people who would make things "weird" and "awkward", I probably wouldn't be socializing with them very much.)

JMO.

Maggie Nolia · ‎03-09-2010

@Grouchomarx wrote:
I confided in a very close girlfriend about some relationship issues that I told only one other person about. It was private stuff. I later learned she told her husband about it, and who knows who else. I am undecided as to whether this is a person I can trust anymore, I feel betrayed. I have a lot of her unsavory secrets in my vault I’ve never told my partner or anyone. Because why would I betray her trust? I am conflicted as to whether I should continue this friendship. Anyone been in this situation? Should I be forgiving or mad? I am so stressed, she is a very good friend. Do some people just talk too much? Or is it a fatal flaw? TIA.

Now you know not to tell her anything you don't want everyone to know.

Sooner · ‎03-10-2010

@alarmclock wrote:
@Sooner wrote:
@alarmclock wrote:
@Sooner wrote:
I think it is unfair to tell someone something you REALLY REALLY don't want ever told. It is a big burden for them. If you want it kept secret, keep it secret yourself.

Why is it a burden? I would be happy to help a friend carry a burden!

Being trusted is a compliment.
@alarmclock Not to me it isn't. I am a very good friend but I don't want to carry friend's deep dark secrets. Never. Ever! I don't like gossip, I don't like knowing things others don't want to be known.

Yes, it would be a burden to know someone's deep dark secret and be obligated to harbor that and not tell anyone. If it's something they are ashamed of, they should live with it because it if hurtful--don't tell your good friends hurtful things.

And yes, my husband and I do not keep secrets from one another. But also, we are very private people ourselves, and so are our friends. Both of us shy away I guess from gossipy people. I cannot imagine my friends talking about anybody's sex life. We just aren't wired that way.

We are very close, care for one another, love and uphold one another, but just don't "share" on that level. Any of us would be uncomfortable with that.

What I HATE is someone who tells you some gossip and then says "DON'T TELL ANYONE!" To me, hey I didn't ASK to be told and you didn't ASK me if you could tell me, so don't count on me to keep secrets! It isn't fair to do people that way. Not everyone is eager to harbor gossip.

You need to look up the difference between gossip and secret.

Wow. Calm down.

@alarmclock Aren't secrets the things that become gossip? Secrets are the rootstock of gossip when they are no longer secrets. I don't want to know people's deep dark secrets.

suzyQ3 · ‎03-09-2010

Maybe I'm naive, but I can't imagine not trusting anyone but myself. In fact, I can think of some people that I trust even more than myself. :-)

@Grouchomarx, I think you will probably be able to save your friendship if you want to.

~Who in the world am I? Ah, that's the great puzzle~ Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

suzyQ3 · ‎03-09-2010

@Trinity11 wrote:
I am not in the habit of telling a good friend any kind of information that may put a burden on them to not "tell."

I did tell a family member in our extended family something many years ago that I told them to keep to themselves. I later found out that this person had told every single relative we had. After that, I knew enough to never tell them anything personal again.

Sometimes in life, we have to learn hard lessons in human nature.

Truer words were never spoken.

~Who in the world am I? Ah, that's the great puzzle~ Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

alarmclock · ‎06-12-2010

@Sooner wrote:
@alarmclock wrote:
@Sooner wrote:
@alarmclock wrote:
@Sooner wrote:
I think it is unfair to tell someone something you REALLY REALLY don't want ever told. It is a big burden for them. If you want it kept secret, keep it secret yourself.

Why is it a burden? I would be happy to help a friend carry a burden!

Being trusted is a compliment.
@alarmclock Not to me it isn't. I am a very good friend but I don't want to carry friend's deep dark secrets. Never. Ever! I don't like gossip, I don't like knowing things others don't want to be known.

Yes, it would be a burden to know someone's deep dark secret and be obligated to harbor that and not tell anyone. If it's something they are ashamed of, they should live with it because it if hurtful--don't tell your good friends hurtful things.

And yes, my husband and I do not keep secrets from one another. But also, we are very private people ourselves, and so are our friends. Both of us shy away I guess from gossipy people. I cannot imagine my friends talking about anybody's sex life. We just aren't wired that way.

We are very close, care for one another, love and uphold one another, but just don't "share" on that level. Any of us would be uncomfortable with that.

What I HATE is someone who tells you some gossip and then says "DON'T TELL ANYONE!" To me, hey I didn't ASK to be told and you didn't ASK me if you could tell me, so don't count on me to keep secrets! It isn't fair to do people that way. Not everyone is eager to harbor gossip.

You need to look up the difference between gossip and secret.

Wow. Calm down.

@alarmclock Aren't secrets the things that become gossip? Secrets are the rootstock of gossip when they are no longer secrets. I don't want to know people's deep dark secrets.

Not at all.

Gossip can be true or false and it's "talk" from one person to another. Gabbing.

It can come from a secret or it can be 100% made up.

When a person confides a personal matter in another, they ask the other person to keep it a secret. Sometimes, people need to get something out to another real, living person. Maybe they need advice or they just need to speak the words out loud with no judgments.

Being trusted like that is a compliment to me. To have someone have faith in me like that is a privilege. You sound like you don't make a distinction and you don't want to be bothered with another person's problems.

NYC Susan · ‎03-13-2010

@suzyQ3 wrote:
Maybe I'm naive, but I can't imagine not trusting anyone by myself. In fact, I can think of a some people that I trust even more than myself. :-)

@Grouchomarx, I think you will probably be able to save your friendship if you want to.

I agree. I know some very trustworthy people. People I would trust with my life, and certainly my secrets.

I agree she can probably save the friendship. She said this is a good friend, so it sounds to me as though they need an open and honest conversation. Lay it all out, listen to what she has to say, express concerns, etc. Poor communication could have been what caused this in the first place, and it may not be too late to fix it. If this is a good friend, they shouldn't have a problem talking about it.