Would you stay friends with someone who lied - for... - Page 13

violann · ‎03-10-2010

There was a very difficult period in my life in which “making friends” was much more difficult than it is now.

Prior to that time, I had always had a small circle of “tight” friends and many cordial acquaintances, but then quite abruptly, for circumstances beyond my control, I sort of dropped off the map.

I never “cut” any of my friends off, but was “cut off” myself, by just one, and I remember to this day, years later, how painful that loss was.

Back to the topic- if I really care about someone, I can put A LOT aside where it comes to “truth”, “lies”, “exaggerations”, “omissions”, “distortions”, because I believe there are ALWAYS potentially issues that may be difficult or impossible for someone to reveal without inflicting discomfort or harm or pain on themselves or someone else.

Ironically, in the relationship I lost, and two others in which circumstances cost me separations that I would have strongly preferred NOT to have incurred, there were instances of painful and complex situations that I was too immature to deal with when the friendships were more active.

I think that very few lives are so transparent that they are totally without stain when exposed to a high power magnifying glass and a strong light. Life is too short to lose a true friend.

Tinkrbl44 · ‎08-23-2010

@Free2be wrote:
One person's favor is another person's imposition. It appears here there is a false flag of honesty when the actual issue on closer examination is respect.

The friend is maligned for not serving what appears to be a person who feels entitled to their time and dared to say no. The OP determined through some channel that her friend made an excuse which is unacceptable to the OP. That is the issue, that the friend was not happy to give up her time to provide the "favor" which to the friend was actually an imposition.

No friendship can sustain itself when one person believes the other person's time is theirs.

@Free2be @Goldengate8361

You hit the nail on the head! It wasn't a favor, it was an IMPOSITION, and the OP refuses to even consider this.

I also get the feeling the OP makes many demands on people ..... and rarely, if ever, reciprocates.

Tinkrbl44 · ‎08-23-2010

@Goldengate8361

In the interest of fairness, just what was the favor that this person "should" have been happy to do for you?

I don't understand why you have left that part of the story out ...

alicedee · ‎07-25-2010

I think it’s highly rude for a poster to pose a question, many people take time to give thoughtful responses... but also many ask for the same clarification needed for a complete answer....then the OP disappears.

Makes it appear she didn’t like the answers she was getting, so she is just pretending she never posted.

That pattern in a relationship could explain the “no” she received when asking (expecting) her favor.

NYC Susan · ‎03-13-2010

@Anonymous032819 wrote:
@Cakers3 wrote:
@Goldengate8361 You are contradicting yourself.

If you have known all along about her "character or lack of" then how can you say she has always been honest and candid? Why does it now surprise you that she was not honest?

You said she "SHOULD" have done the favor and as soon as we attach "SHOULD" the issue becomes not about the lie but about the expectation that a person "SHOULD" behave as we expect.

I think you are more tiffed at the decline to grant you a favor (since she SHOULD have done it) than her lame excuse to beg off from granting said favor.

I seriously wonder how you found out she lied-being long distance. Is there another person with whom you discussed this and is there a bit of gossip going on?

I'm not picking at you-I think since all the "facts" are not here then it leaves some doubt as to why this seems to be all about the friend with no character (who was always honest??) and doesn't seem to understand why she "SHOULD" do as asked.

Let it be.

Not only that, but the friend SHOULD have been HAPPY to do her the favor.

Sounds like there's a whole bunch of SHOULDING all over the place.

That's what jumped out at me too. It was something the friend clearly didn't want to do. If she had been 100% honest, the OP likely would have said, "But you should be happy to do it!" So I kind of understand why the friend wasn't truthful. She's probably learned that it's better to avoid confrontation by making up a little white lie.

Friendships should be treasured, and that goes both ways. If a friend lied to me when I asked a favor, I would take a look at myself and see if perhaps I was asking too many favors or coming on too strong. If she lied about everything, that would be a different story, of course.

And I just wanted to add one more thing: A few posters said the OP should drop the friend because "it's just a long-distance friendship". Most of my friendships are long-distance friendships, and they are very valuable to me. My best friend lives in Europe, and we are as close as sisters. Long-distance friendships can be very important and precious, and they are not any more disposable than other friendships.