Community Chat

[Fashionista17]

I was having dinner with a close friend a few weeks ago and we were looking at the menu to decide what to order.  This was in a local diner, not an expensive place.  As we were looking at different dinner options, my friend said that something was bothering her that she had to get off her chest.  I had no idea what she was talking about since nothing had come up between us for a very long time - and we are very close friends.  My friend said that something I had said last time we were out to dinner annoyed her.  I couldn't for the life of me figure out what she was talking about, but when she told me I couldn't believe that would have gotten her annoyed.  All I had done was suggest a dish to her, knowing that she liked the particular dish and had ordered it before.  I think the problem was that I usually try not to eat meat and she does.....and for some reason she thought I was being "superior" to her because she eats  meat and I don't.  This sounds totally nutso to me, because all I was doing was making a dinner suggestion.  Who cares if she eats meat or not?  I certainly don't care what anyone else eats.  Then she also added, "I've seen you eat meat once or twice but that's another story."  Comments?  I am bewildered really.

[Puppy Lips]

I wouldn't worry too much about it or make a big deal out of it.  Perhaps there was something else going on in her life that she was bothered about, and that made her more sensitive to your suggestion at the time.  I know that when I am tired or worried about something, my common sense and emotional levelers (just made up that term) can be a bit out of wack.

[chickenbutt]

One thing I would want to do is clarify immediately what I meant by what I said.  Clearly, she didn't bring it up at the time you said it but at the time she brought up that it was bothering her I would absolutely clarify that I didn't mean any such thing and make sure she understook that all I was doing was trying to help by reminding her that that was a dish she really liked before.

ETA - I think that her snark at the end there was just a childish attempt to 'get back at you' for the perceived shot that you took at her.  Clearly, you were NOT taking a shot at her but, instead of her just being up front in the beginning I guess she just figured she'd take a shot.   That's a shame, because it says more about her than it does about you.

Furthermore, I would probably let her know that if I say something that is upsetting, for future notice, PLEASE say something at the time so that we can clear the air and she doesn't have to have it on her mind.

BTW, you can make paragraphs now, even if you use an iPad.  All you need to do is 'enter' down two lines between paragraphs and you can make it easier to read.  HTH    (I only mean to help, btw.  hehe)

[divine]

I don't understand why you felt the need to make a food suggestion since you say she had ordered that food item in the past. Perhaps you subconsciously really don't like to see her eat meat and made your suggestion because of your feelings, and she picked up on that. Do you often feel like making food suggestions to your friends while dining out? I just don't understand your need to do that. If the waiter makes a suggestion that's one thing...but not my dining partner unless I've never eaten at the restaurant and she has, and I ask for suggestions.

I hope you take my response in the spirit it is intended. I'm not being judgemental, but laying out a possibility as to why your friend could have been offended by your suggestion. I hope everything has been straightened out between the two of you.

[MoJoV]

Chickenbutt, your post is interesting to me because I have been a vegetarian for over 20 years.  I've had this kind of thing happen to me alot.  People automatically perceive it to be some kind of superiorty thing. I've never preached to anyone or criticized their meat eating.  It's not my business.  I've had people suggest a meat dish and I say I'm a vegetarian..."well good for you" said in a snotty way.  I don't know why people get that way.  But it's getting better,lots of people are vegetarians now,  either for health or moral reasons.

[chickenbutt]

Skylark  - Oh wow.  I'm sorry that people act like that.  I suppose I had not witnessed it from either side so I never would have thought that people were doing that.   

I'm a 'live and let live' type of person so, I guess, unless somebody is purely blatant about it I must not notice.

Anyway, don't let 'em get ya down.     Some people are jerks and some people are not.  I like nice people.  I don't like a holes or idiots and try to not even let them get on my radar.

[ECBG]

You have gotten some wonderful advice here.  I can't percieve of how your friend would want to carry around that burden and just not let it go because of a treasured friendship.  I am so very sorry.

[faeriemoon]

All you can do is explain what you meant.  If she "gets" it, fine.  If she doesn't, fine.  Some people thrive on being offended and in a snit.

[ChynnaBlue]

It sounds like her problem, not yours. I would just explain to her that you don't mind that she eats meat and were only recommending the dish because it's tasty, not because you were trying to convert her or make her feel bad.

I eat all kinds of things have friends with all different tastes or beliefs and don't take offense at any of their recommendations. Some days I eat meat and some days I don't and I never assume that my vegan friends are trying to make me feel badly when they tell me the tofu in place X is really good. Sometimes I even order the tofu because my friends are right about it. I have other friends who won't stray outside meat and potatoes and heaven forbid I recommend an Indian or Thai place because they are not setting foot into a place that doesn't offer a hamburger or a chicken friend steak. I'll adapt and I try to remember which friends are less adventurous and act accordingly.

[Fashionista17]

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@faeriemoon wrote:

All you can do is explain what you meant.  If she "gets" it, fine.  If she doesn't, fine.  Some people thrive on being offended and in a snit.

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To all who replied, thanks.

I did clarify my intent the minute after my friend made her comment and said I was sorry if I offended her. She herself said that I might think what she was going to tell me was weird.  We often bat around different ideas, for instance, "how about A dish, or "are you in the mood for B dish."  I meant absolutely no diss to her at all.  Like I said, I don't care what anyone else eats or does.  It just came out of left field for me, and I guess I was a bit surprised, is all.  I certainly don't feel superior because I try to avoid meat!!!