Why Don't Men Listen?

Vivian · ‎03-11-2010

I've been married for almost 50 years so I should know better but I don't think I was asking much of my husband. He was going to Syracuse today,an hour from where we live. I asked if he could stop at a local tee shirt shop to pick up a Syracuse University basketball tee shirt for a doctor whom I see once a year. I'm seeing the doctor next week, way out of town. I always bring doc little gifts from central NY, where I live. I told my husband to get a dark tee with orange trim (university colors). I even wrote it down so that he would not come home with a bright orange tee. My doctor doesn't like bright colors. Hubby came home with a bright orange tee. I asked if he had read my note. He said he did but didn't know I was serious about what I wrote and that I should stop being so picky. He clearly paid no attention to what I had said and wrote. I know. I know. Next time get it myself...but he was going to Syracuse. He was there. And he does this constantly. "Need something at the store, dear?" "Yes, can you please get me a pint if vanilla ice cream?" "OK"...and then he comes home with chocolate. I go out of my way to write things down so he can remember, and he ignores what I've said and written. Is it senility, rudeness, or just not caring? It's not earth shattering but I feel ignored and disrespected when he does this...and he does it often. When I bring it up, he gets mad at me for picking on him. Am I getting angry over nothing?

chickenbutt · ‎03-09-2010

I call it testosterone poisoning. ${#emotions_dlg.laugh}$

I think they are just predisposed to going into 'blocking' mode as soon as it's something that either they don't want to hear or are not interested in. I think they learn this behavior when they are kids and their mothers are talking to them. They learn to not listen and to avoid confrontation.

You just have to accept it if you are choosing to live with a man. I find that if I write what I have to say in an email to my husband he seems to 'hear' more of it. He's a good guy and he tries but he is just too conditioned to automatically moving on, in his head, when he is disinterested or just doesn't want to hear it.

It's possibly not that he's intending to disrespect you. He just sees things differently than you do.

hckynut · ‎03-10-2010

Why Don't Men Listen?

I am a man and I listen. Now go ahead and tell me what you have to say. I didn't read your thread I thought I would type this and that way you can speak directly to me and I can assure you I will respond as best I can.

My preference for titles oft-time is ""Some Men/Some Women"" etc.

hckynut(john)

Vivian · ‎03-11-2010

OK, hockynut, I'll rephrase. Why doesn't my husband listen? I asked him to pick up a tee shirt for my out-of-town doctor, whom I bring small gifts to once a year when I see him. My husband was going to be be near the SU store when he went to Syracuse today. I told him exactly what to get, I wrote it down, yet when he came home he had bought precisely what I told him I didn't want. It's not the end of the world but hubby does this sort of thing constantly. I find it rude. I don't do this when he asks me to bring home things for him. I just expect fair play.

hckynut · ‎03-10-2010

On 2/24/2014 Vivian said: OK, hockynut, I'll rephrase. (1)Why doesn't my husband listen? (2) I asked him to pick up a tee shirt for my out-of-town doctor, whom I bring small gifts to once a year when I see him. My husband was going to be be near the SU store when he went to Syracuse today I told him exactly what to get, I wrote it down, yet when he came home he had bought precisely what I told him I didn't want. (3)It's not the end of the world but hubby does this sort of thing constantly. (4)I find it rude. (5)I don't do this when he asks me to bring home things for him. I just expect fair play.

1- Was he that way when you were courting? Did he listen to whomever raised him?

2- Many, I will say even most, men go from mother to wives. Thus they get accustomed to someone "doing for them" and not them "doing for their important others". Much of it also is because most men do not do much shopping, even for themselves, so chances of doing it to buy a shirt for someone else?

3- Most men that do this "constantly" did not become that way overnight. They function in a world of their own and if that world is something where they "have things done for them" they expect to do things their way or not at all.

4- I call it uncaring in lieu of just rude. Who knows what happened to what you wrote and why he didn't retain it in his memory? To me it is beyond rude and something I would never do to anyone. If I say I am going to do something, I do it if at all possible.

5- Even though males are "wired" differently than females a lot of what they do and do not do has to do with, once again, how they were raised and what they were/are used to be expected to do.

Many of my married former co-workers(worked with all males most of my 33 years with AT&T) used to complain/complain and complain about their wives forgetting this or that in their lunch bucket. Now I gave them a solution but they didn't like what I had to say. I said it's simple, "make and pack your own lunch and then if something is missing you can blame yourself".

I was single until I was 62 years old and my mother had me doing "my share" at an early age(6) because she raised 4 of us alone and also worked a full time job. As I moved through life I was used to, and am still used to, doing for myself. That includes listening when spoken to by my wife and others. Again, if I say I will do something it gets done if humanly possible.

Answer for you? If he asks you to do something some feel "turnabout is fair play". Other than that I don't know what else to say unless he is young enough and hasn't completely been set in his ways.

hckynut(john)

sfnative · ‎03-10-2010

Hi Vivian,

I'm in somewhat the same situation. We've been married 45 years and my husband forgets, doesn't listen, doesn't hear me (needs a hearing aid) and has an aging brain. I was appalled to see a CT of his brain in July when he fell down dead drunk onto the sidewalk and knocked himself out. His brain CT looks rather cloudy, so I knew from looking at it that he'd be going downhill faster than I thought (he'll be 70 this year).

He also decides to get contrary, as did your husband. I DO NOT GET THIS. I've indicated to my husband several times that henceforth I'll be doing x, y, and z, because he chooses to get it wrong. This infuriates him and causes him to scream and yell at me.

I should not have retired last May.

Financialgrl · ‎03-13-2010

I've been with my BF for over 30 years and I'm convinced after they have us hooked they quit listening! I imagine it to be like Charlie Brown's teacher - - waa wah!

Financialgrl · ‎03-13-2010

D/P

Love my grandkids · ‎11-24-2013

You've been married to this guy for 50 years. How would WE know why he does things?

And I *hate* generalizations about men. I know you amended your comment but this is my comment!

BellaPaprika · ‎03-09-2010

Why don't men listen? That's easy...because they don't have to! Women are trained (yes, "trained" by seeing their mothers, grandmothers, and other women do the same) to grudgingly accept men's ineptness and inconsiderate behavior and move on. We are the caretakers. We are the ones who smooth the troubled waters. So when men go the easy route and do whatever without thinking, we may moan and complain but eventually we let it pass.

But the resentment builds and over time we find we've had enough and then we either divorce them or write a thread on the Q.