Community Chat

[Deb1010again]

On 3/27/2015 emmysmom said:

On 3/27/2015 Topaz Gem said:

It finally hit me that I was letting past grudges hold power over me. I never want anything negative to control me, so I learned to forgive. It's truly liberating. For me personally, I turned my problems over to a higher power and asked Him to deal with them. Things seem to be working out just fine now and for me that was the perfect solution.

You have to finally 'get it' that holding onto grudges deteriorates your quality of life, not the other person's. When you can really grasp that, you'll make the necessary shifts in your thinking.

I wish you the very best of luck in your forgiveness journey.

YES! Topaz, it is truly liberating! They say holding grudges is like drinking the poison, when the person who caused the pain is going on his merry way! Its like driving a car but looking in the rear view mirror, you can't move forward, when you're always looking back. I have finally realized this and feel free..the stress of unforgiveness can make one sick! I know it did for me!

Yes, ITA! Also said as you drink the poison and expect the other person to die. And driving using your rear view mirror to dodge oncoming traffic rather than looking ahead. EXCELLENT examples that cut to the chase.

[qualitygal]

FORGIVING is for the person who does it. To be angry and not forgive, keeps you attached to the person you aren't forgiving. It's a vicious circle until you forgive. Do that and you'll be released. JMHO

[emmysmom]

On 3/28/2015 Deb1010again said:

On 3/27/2015 emmysmom said:

On 3/27/2015 Topaz Gem said:

It finally hit me that I was letting past grudges hold power over me. I never want anything negative to control me, so I learned to forgive. It's truly liberating. For me personally, I turned my problems over to a higher power and asked Him to deal with them. Things seem to be working out just fine now and for me that was the perfect solution.

You have to finally 'get it' that holding onto grudges deteriorates your quality of life, not the other person's. When you can really grasp that, you'll make the necessary shifts in your thinking.

I wish you the very best of luck in your forgiveness journey.

YES! Topaz, it is truly liberating! They say holding grudges is like drinking the poison, when the person who caused the pain is going on his merry way! Its like driving a car but looking in the rear view mirror, you can't move forward, when you're always looking back. I have finally realized this and feel free..the stress of unforgiveness can make one sick! I know it did for me!

Yes, ITA! Also said as you drink the poison and expect the other person to die. And driving using your rear view mirror to dodge oncoming traffic rather than looking ahead. EXCELLENT examples that cut to the chase.

Sometimes the anger/hurt tries to come back, and I have to forgive again..its a process! I wish I could just be done once and for all..THATS the hard part for me~ But..it IS getting better. My friend's therapist told her to "look back, brings depression, to look ahead brings anxiety..so we are to be in the present..!" I think of all the energy I've wasted..lol!

[newziesuzie]

On 3/27/2015 Still Raining said:

I think the truth is that for a lot of people it is more fun to hold on to all the anger and resentment and sing the they done me wrong song. Then they can occupy the high ground and be right. Not pretty.

To forgive is not to forget or condone. It is only to move to an adult, safe, viewpoint and to take power back from the perpetrator.

ETA, I just realized that it might appear to be a direct comment on a preceding post and this is not my intent. This is only a generalized comment. Please forgive.

I came here today thinking there would be uplifting threads and posts all about Easter and love and the message of forgiveness and found a big fight among posters which some of the threads are gone now but even so good grief. I think some people enjoy holding onto anger and that's sad and unhealthy. IMHO. Thanks for all the advice and posts. Leaving here to return to my happy family, not perfect but happy.

[LilacTree]

~

[YorkieonmyPillow]

On 3/27/2015 hyacinth003 said:

I have a brother-in-law that I hate, despise, etc.etc. I have never hated before in my life.

I haven't even been able to get CLOSE to wanting to forgive him.

One reason is that he continues the behavior that led me to hate him. He is a sociopath and has no conscience, morals, or shame.

He broke up the entire extended family and cost them about $100,000 to have to fight him in court.

He left his 5th wife and children after that. I see how he behaves toward his immediate family in breaking up with his wife and children.

I know I should probably forgive him, but the best I can do is NOT think about him.

The only hope I feel is that God will decide to make him account for his actions some day.

Hyacinth

The problem with that is, if you want God to make him account for his actions, then you will have to account for your own.

Is that what you want?

It isn't what I want.......I want forgiveness when I do things that are wrong.

ETA: I do know the kind of person you are describing; the thing is, you have to cut that person out of your life completely never see or speak or hear of him again, as these types of people are toxic.....at some point you have to shake them off and move on.

As for the way he treated his family that's terrible but life is very unfair. It's always the good people, the sweet people, who get the shaft but this is life. We can move beyond it; this place is only temporary, anyway.

[SuiGeneris]

[Disclaimer: For those who don't enjoy exploring psychological theories and issues, you may want to skip this post.]

I learned long ago that anger is a secondary emotion, used to cover up or protect ourselves from feelings of vulnerability - usually fear, guilt and hurt.

From a psychologytoday.com article entitled, Anger - How We Transfer Feelings of Guilt, Hurt, and Fear:

Projecting vulnerable feelings onto others causes more problems than it solves.

A good deal of our anger is motivated by a desire not to experience guilt—and beyond this, the distressing emotions of hurt and fear. It’s by now generally agreed upon that anger, as prevalent as it is in our species, is almost never a primary emotion. For underlying it are such core hurts as feeling disregarded, unimportant, accused, guilty, untrustworthy, devalued, rejected, powerless, and unlovable. And these feelings are capable of engendering considerable emotional pain. It’s therefore understandable that so many of us might go to great lengths to find ways of distancing ourselves from them.

In fact, those of us who routinely use anger as a “cover-up” to keep our more vulnerable feelings at bay, generally become so adept at doing so that we have little to no awareness of the dynamic driving our behavior. Anger is the emotion of invulnerability. Even though the self-empowerment (read, “adrenaline rush”) it immediately offers is bogus, it can yet be extremely tempting to get “attached”—or even “addicted”—to it if we frequently experience another as threatening the way we need to see ourselves (e.g., as important, trustworthy, lovable, etc.).

After all, this is how all psychological defenses work. Simply put, they allow us to escape upsetting, shameful, or anxiety-laden feelings we may not have developed the emotional resources—or ego strength—to successfully cope with.

[Lila Belle]

interesting !

[Purrrfect]

On 4/6/2015 SuiGeneris said:

[Disclaimer: For those who don't enjoy exploring psychological theories and issues, you may want to skip this post.]

I learned long ago that anger is a secondary emotion, used to cover up or protect ourselves from feelings of vulnerability - usually fear, guilt and hurt.

From a psychologytoday.com article entitled, Anger - How We Transfer Feelings of Guilt, Hurt, and Fear:

Projecting vulnerable feelings onto others causes more problems than it solves.

A good deal of our anger is motivated by a desire not to experience guilt—and beyond this, the distressing emotions of hurt and fear. It’s by now generally agreed upon that anger, as prevalent as it is in our species, is almost never a primary emotion. For underlying it are such core hurts as feeling disregarded, unimportant, accused, guilty, untrustworthy, devalued, rejected, powerless, and unlovable. And these feelings are capable of engendering considerable emotional pain. It’s therefore understandable that so many of us might go to great lengths to find ways of distancing ourselves from them.

In fact, those of us who routinely use anger as a “cover-up” to keep our more vulnerable feelings at bay, generally become so adept at doing so that we have little to no awareness of the dynamic driving our behavior. Anger is the emotion of invulnerability. Even though the self-empowerment (read, “adrenaline rush”) it immediately offers is bogus, it can yet be extremely tempting to get “attached”—or even “addicted”—to it if we frequently experience another as threatening the way we need to see ourselves (e.g., as important, trustworthy, lovable, etc.).

After all, this is how all psychological defenses work. Simply put, they allow us to escape upsetting, shameful, or anxiety-laden feelings we may not have developed the emotional resources—or ego strength—to successfully cope with.

Right on!

[Sawn]

I can only tell you what works for me, and it took me a good many years. I only have to think of my worst sin to be able to forgive others freely. I actively work on being compassionate, we are all connected, whether we accept it or not. To forgive another is to forgive yourself as well.