Community Chat

[Shanus]

In the Jewish religion there is only a few days to plan since embalming is not allowed. There’s always a lot of pressure to get relatives in town, hotel rooms, inform the rabbi, choose casket, order food delivery for the home after the funeral, etc.

In more religious homes, all mirrors must be covered (so you don’t see yourself mourning) and friends/families are arranged to come each evening to continue saying prayers with the grieving family. 

When my younger brother died suddenly, my parents were in total shock and couldn’t handle any details. My dh and I did the planning, but I resented having to think about where to have platters of food delivered to my house when I wanted to grieve, too. 

My Dad was in hospice and near the end, I began to prepare & just told vendors the date would be in a few days and I’d call to confirm. Again, instead of being allowed to grieve myself, my Mom freaked out leaving all details to me. 

What was planned and a comfort, my Dad had written a personal letter to each of us when he knew he was close to dying, but still lucid...no pain meds. I often take my letter out and re-read it when I miss him and on the anniversary of his death when it is customary that we light a candle that burns for 24 hrs. in his (their) memory.

I haven’t thought about my funeral since it’s always fairly religious and the same. I will, however, follow my Dad’s example, and write a personal letter to those I love expressing what they’ve meant to me and how they made my time on earth a better place.

[Shanus]

Another note on funerals: I resent friends and family who show up to mourn when they weren’t that close to the deceased. They either go out of guilt, just to be seen and make peace with themselves that they attended. 

The time for apologies and making amends is before the person passes away.

[Vivian]

I’ve gone to enough funerals to know I don’t want one. A graveside service with immediate family is what I’d want. I’d better tell my kids!

[vermint]

DH & I will be buried in our church cemetery (cost for 2 plots was ridiculously small), so no long processional through town, just a service in the sanctuary then walk to the gravesite. Our pastor is very good at keeping services fairly short and very sweet...not dark or morbid at all.  In fact, there has been laughter at every funeral service I've ever attended that he's done. I've left it up to DH if he wants a viewing if I go first, and he's done the same with me. We've promised each other to not spend any more than absolutely necessary on caskets, etc. We don't care what other people think about what we're doing.

Our church also prepares a very nice meal for family/extended family after a funeral for any of it's members. This is wonderful (I've experienced it twice) as it gives everyone a chance to catch their breath and just chat a bit before going back to their lives. It also takes the burden of "entertaining" off of the family.

[151949]

@vermint  My parent's church did this too - provided a "lunch" after the funeral. It really does help the family out.

[chiclets]

Funerals are for the living and not for the dead.

The time to be with a person is when they are living.

No viewing, direct cremation is what I prefer.

So dislike when individuals gather to attend funerals, and yada, yada. They go, they socialize, they eat and then give hugs and condolences and excuses, and then they leave. Do they do this for the dead or living or for the guilt or because it is expected.

They leave and very few ever call or care about the people the dead left behind.

You want to respect, honor and enjoy another person then do it when they are alive.

People don't want you when they are dead.

[Shorty2U]

I think everyone should pre plan their funeral if possible. I think this because my mom died young in 1979 and well it was hard, very hard losing her and then having to think of what she would want and where to bury her, picking her clothing, deciding on the services, and my dad having to do all this and buy the plots and everything in a few days. My dad and all of us were devastated enough by her death and the planning made it even more devastating.

Fast forward 2 years later, my Nana died. She had her plot, she had her entire funeral planned down to the praayers, the music, the casket, and what to wear. It was still very sad and hard, but it eased some of the pain that she had this planned out. 

So I think people should plan while they are here (IF possible because I realize people do die young without plans) I see nothing wrong with adding things for the funeral by the families though. Like if someone wants to speak at the service etc..

Yes I want a service (a rented casket) to give closure to my kids to see me at a viewing. And then to be cremated after. My husband and kids know what music I want played and what I want to be dressed in .(And I strugggled with the cremation decision because my kids do not prefer cremation since they saw their dads grandpop in the "little box" being put in the ground when they were teens).

PS My son just married a licensed funeral director/embalmer. I don't know how she does that job and i said that to her. (I could never do it). But she loves her work and takes it very personal and is very respectable to make sure everything is done right for the deceased and their families.

[jubilant]

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/01/25/home-funerals-death-mortician_n_2534934.html

I thought this was interesting.

[haddon9]

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@Shanus wrote:

Another note on funerals: I resent friends and family who show up to mourn when they weren’t that close to the deceased. They either go out of guilt, just to be seen and make peace with themselves that they attended. 

The time for apologies and making amends is before the person passes away.

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@Shanus . Interesting thought on this.  First I have to say like some others here I hate funerals.  I never know what to say and always feel awkward.  I see others who are natural in saying the right things, etc.  Anyway I attend because I'll feel guilty if I don't go and I hope that my presence offers support to those friends who have lost a loved one.  

My family is also Jewish and when my dad passed 20 years ago my mother had an abbreviated version (3 days) of Shiva.  I personally felt annoyed that people could just pop in anytime after dinner during those three days and we were there to "entertain" them. It felt like an intrusion. I realize they are supposed to be offering support to those of us grieving and it helped my mother.  When she goes my brother and I will do things differently.

[Financialgrl]

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@RedTop wrote:

I hate them, and have specified cremation with no services.

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@RedTop  - I have told my siblings the same thing - cremation (pick up the ashes or don't, I don't care bc I don't want a burial/marker or any of that).  

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