Community Chat

[Jersey Born]

@wismiss - You are not alone. So many people have gone through what you are going through, at least as far as being emotionally attached to certain household items that carry happy memories of a life with another and then having to dispose of most or all of those items. I felt as you do when I had to clear out my parents home.  I was so stressed by the process that I developed pneumonia (confirmed by x-ray). There was a wooden chopping bowl (distorted in shape from many years of use) that my mother had used to make meatloaf since my childhood, and it was so painful to throw it in the trash. It was not an expensive or attractive item; it was just something that I strongly felt represented who my mother was-- a wonderful cook and nurturer. There were so many other things to remove and throw out, but I was fortunately able to keep a number of them. Many of our memories define us and the person that we have become, and that is why we are so attached to them.

Wishing you peace and health during this time. It is not easy to deal with these things that were a part of our lives and represent hours of a life well-lived, and much happier days spent with those in our hearts. Remember to be good to yourself at this time.

[mimomof4]

My Mother in Law has a similar mindset to yours.  She has not wanted to sell a home which is way to large for her in part because of the memories.  She also had a hard time selling her own mother's home for the same reason. Its not that is bad but I feel its an emotional attachment to things.  Also in your case its part of the grieving process - you lost someone whom you had a connection with for some time.  In a way you keep loosing that person with each item that you throw away or remove.

I always told my mother in law you still have the memories, you take them with you where ever you go.  "Things" don't matter its the memories you keep.

[cindyNC]

I just had my will re-done.  New, younger attorney who, when I told him I had 2 storage units with things told me that most other people would not consider stored items worth saving. Having moved from an apartment to my BF's house, I understood downsizing but I also mentioned that my parents had collected antiques. 

[PamfromCT]

@wismiss, I am very sorry for all the pain you are going through.

Anything that loved ones held in a special place in their hearts 

is special to those left behind.  It is the connection - not the thing.

As I am up in years, I am carefully going through my jewelry and giving it to my DD, DIL, and soon my little GD.  We have worked hard all our lives and have so much stuff.  But we do realize what means the most to whom and are making sure they have or will have that object.

My DH is a physicist by education and worked on the Apollo Program so many years back,  In an era where folks today cannot imagine, all that happened - going to the moon and back - was accomplished by mainly “slide rules.”  Our DD has dibs on her father’s slide rule, which he keeps in a special place in our home.  

[Jordan2]

@wismiss  I am sorry for the loss of your ex-husband, you had a life together and still seem to carry affection for him. Also the demise of a marriage even if it was in the best interest of both parties is also a loss. My mother passed away two years ago, cleaning out her house was hard. No one wants the furniture, all her collectibles were worthless to others, most of what she had was tossed away like garbage. I know you know how heartbreaking that can be, a life well lived, a pile of rubbish. 

[jellyBEAN]

Oh, I know the feeling.  It's almost as if you are throwing away someone else's life, and what did it all matter in the end?  I'm very conscious of accumulating stuff now that I've been thru cleaning out my parents home, where my Mom lived for 60 years or more.  I kept things that were sentimental to me, but the majority was sold for a song or taken to disposal and it made me so sad. 

I also found some things I didn't know about.  Handwritten letters my Dad had written after one of my brothers had died in an accident.  Other documents about things I didn't know about.  All the old records that had sat in the damp basement for decades to dispose of.  Such memories.  Many belonged to my brother who had passed away.  Kills me just thinking about it all, and yet, it was so long ago.

True, our memories of their lives here on Earth with us will remain with us forever, however long we are here on this Earth.  I hope to see my loved ones again, it will be on a different plane and a different energy, but I think like magnets we will be drawn together again, if only for a short time in that world.

[Teddixat]

@qualitygal    I agree with you.   From my perspective, my memories mean more to me than things.   My mother kept everything and when s he passed away it took a very long time to dispose of all she kept because at first we went through every piece but then we just started tossing and each of us kept one or two things we felt were an important memory.    I am not one to keep things.   I purge about every 6 months.  I don't want my family or whoever is around to have to deal with getting rid of a lot of stuff.  I just don't hold a lot of value to stuff

[jlkz]

---

@qualitygal wrote:

The really important things in life, aren't "things".  You can't take it with you.  Memories you can keep, till you no longer remember them.  That's when they truly will be lost. 

Just thought about this the other day, and it's how I see it.  Others may not.

Our treasurers, are someone elses junk.  I prefer to attach to people rather than things now.  Losing people you love is worse,  

---

@qualitygal 

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

[manny2]

I am sorry for your loss. It is incredibly painful to see the possessions of someone that is gone. It is even more painful to dispose of them. It is the last tangible connection we have. It feels like we are just throwing them away.

It is so important to do it in your own time. It's not the same for everyone. In your case @wismiss you had to do it due to a time constraint, so emotionally this is like a double whammy. Some do it right away, and some it takes years. There is no right or wrong way. 

[Jk9]

We (my sisters and cousins) had to clean out our parents houses as they died one after the other.  They all "saved everything in case you need one or it later" and it was very sad to go through all the stuff they had held onto for years.  My sisters and I are committed to weeding out things while we are alive.  I ask my son about different things he might want when I die.  I explain the significance to items to me and let him decide about things from my family.   I don't want to leave him or my husband the task of weeding out tons of things that only meant something to me or had value only to me.  I too think about this when I go to thrift stores, auctions or yard sales.