Community Chat

[Scooby Doo]

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@Pqfan wrote:

Thanks so much everyone.

I think they just want to vent because they are afraid to stand up to their person.

I have basically become the dumping ground for their vents and they at like nothing is wrong when they speak to their partner.

The problem with that is I have my own issues and things that need to be focused on and I don't have the heart to tell them to stop venting.

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If you don't have the heart to tell them, then you've answered your own question.

[Laura14]

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@LilacTree wrote:

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@Laura14 wrote:

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@LilacTree wrote:

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@Laura14 wrote:

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@Pqfan wrote:

Thanks so much everyone.

I think they just want to vent because they are afraid to stand up to their person.

I have basically become the dumping ground for their vents and they at like nothing is wrong when they speak to their partner.

The problem with that is I have my own issues and things that need to be focused on and I don't have the heart to tell them to stop venting.

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@Pqfan  You can't control their vent.  Just have something else or somewhere else to go or do when she starts and she'll hopefully get the message that your ear is closed for business.  

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@Laura14@Pqfan

One of my daughters uses a good one on me.  She calls me 15-20 minutes before she has to leave to do something, and she tells me in advance.  Then I know I have to keep it short.  I'm not insulted, I think it's kinda honest.

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@LilacTree  I confess it's a trick I've used from time to time myself.  It's not that we don't love you but there's just some days where it's that or nothing and we like to do a little something.   

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@Laura14

Another trick I've heard of but never used is to hang up while YOU are the one talking.  They then think you were disconnected.

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@LilacTree  Um no.  That's just rude and unacceptable.  I would never do that to anyone, not even a stranger.  I have no problem saying, "I have to go right now.  I'll talk to you later.  OR This conversation is over."  if it's not a good one and then hanging up but never what you said.  

[LilacTree]

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@Laura14 wrote:

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@LilacTree wrote:

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@Laura14 wrote:

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@LilacTree wrote:

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@Laura14 wrote:

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@Pqfan wrote:

Thanks so much everyone.

I think they just want to vent because they are afraid to stand up to their person.

I have basically become the dumping ground for their vents and they at like nothing is wrong when they speak to their partner.

The problem with that is I have my own issues and things that need to be focused on and I don't have the heart to tell them to stop venting.

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@Pqfan  You can't control their vent.  Just have something else or somewhere else to go or do when she starts and she'll hopefully get the message that your ear is closed for business.  

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@Laura14@Pqfan

One of my daughters uses a good one on me.  She calls me 15-20 minutes before she has to leave to do something, and she tells me in advance.  Then I know I have to keep it short.  I'm not insulted, I think it's kinda honest.

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@LilacTree  I confess it's a trick I've used from time to time myself.  It's not that we don't love you but there's just some days where it's that or nothing and we like to do a little something.   

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@Laura14

Another trick I've heard of but never used is to hang up while YOU are the one talking.  They then think you were disconnected.

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@LilacTree  Um no.  That's just rude and unacceptable.  I would never do that to anyone, not even a stranger.  I have no problem saying, "I have to go right now.  I'll talk to you later.  OR This conversation is over."  if it's not a good one and then hanging up but never what you said.  

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@Laura14

I agree.  That's why I've never used it. 

[RetRN]

Suggest a therapist. Let them know you are not qualified to provide advice.

[pitdakota]

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@Pqfan wrote:

Someone keeps complaining to me about someone that is cleary wrong for them and I used to give advice but they never listened to it.

Don't you think it is time I shut up?

Do I listen and just not give any advice or tell them I don't even want to hear it anymore?

I feel bad just listening and letting them flounder looking for help but what is the point if they don't even listen?

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_________________________________________________________

@Pqfan, I learned quite some time ago not to give friends advice.  And while there are endless situations that fall in this category, for the most part it was because I realized that not everyone had my values or thought exactly the same way. 

There are obvious situations where there is only one right decision regardless of who we are, but most of the situations I realized I was advising on what I thought would be best based on my lifestyle, personality, values, and beliefs. 

One thing I found that works better for me is to not develop an opinion, per se, and just ask broad questions like "what do you think this means to you" or "what do you think you should do"?  That way they tend to stop the ranting about what happened and start to  focus on what they should or shouldn't do.  Along the way, it is a learning process that you stop taking on the other person's problems by trying to solve it for them and being frustrated when they don't do what you think they should do. 

It really does change the tenor of the conversation and puts the monkey on their back, so to speak.  Not to mention it establishes a precedent that you will not just sit and listen to a rant, but you will expect them to have a plan about what they are going to do because of said situation. 

As you stated, you need to care of yourself too.  Best wishes to you as you try to navigate the situation!  

[wildlifewitch]

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@Pqfan wrote:

Someone keeps complaining to me about someone that is cleary wrong for them and I used to give advice but they never listened to it.

Don't you think it is time I shut up?

Do I listen and just not give any advice or tell them I don't even want to hear it anymore?

I feel bad just listening and letting them flounder looking for help but what is the point if they don't even listen?

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I know this personality, and you're wasting your energy. I'd say something like, well you never listen to me so i'll just let you vent, perhaps you should see a therapist who can be neutral. I might even ask why do you stay then.I might also say I don't want to hear it, bc I'm clearly not helping.

[wildlifewitch]

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@Pqfan wrote:

Thanks so much everyone.

I think they just want to vent because they are afraid to stand up to their person.

I have basically become the dumping ground for their vents and they at like nothing is wrong when they speak to their partner.

The problem with that is I have my own issues and things that need to be focused on and I don't have the heart to tell them to stop venting.

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Oh this one likes being a victim, and is too selfish to support you, or you say nothing due to this person's histrionics. This conversation needs to happen. A real friend will understand. If not, the parasite always finds another host.

[Daisy Sunflower]

I'd let her vent for a minute and then I'd butt in and tell her to do what she feels is right. Then, I'd immediately change the subject.

[jubilant]

I think, for some people, venting takes the place of action, and keeps them right where they are. After they vent, they feel better. Since they "temporarily feel better" it feels as though they have made some headway.  In reality, they have done nothing but vent and their situation has not changed.      

  I guess, we have to ask ourselves when dealing with a person such as this, are we helping them or hurting them when we continue to listen.....especially when they really don't want any advice.  If you start to resent them, it's probably a sign it is time you say something to them.  It can be done in a kind way.  It's better to plan ahead what you will say then to one day get frustrated and say something out of frustration.  We still need to have compassion and understanding..... but not to the point that it leaves us totally frustrated and destroys our peace.           

[Drythe]

@Pqfan

I'm a listener too.  When it hits the point where you are now I employ one of these responses:

1-  'I think you should be talking to X about this.'

2-  'What did / does X say when you talk to them about all this?'

3-  'I'm just not comfortable hearing all this personal information about you and X (if this part is true you might add -  since I know you both it puts me in an awkward position.')

If these comments don't stem the flow, well you know where you stand with this person.