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Honored Contributor
Posts: 8,178
Registered: ‎11-24-2013

@shelbyshelbyshelby Please re-read the first post.

 

This is about a **friend** of the OP and NOT the OP herself.

 

It wasn't time wasted. These people wanted different things in the end.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 13,741
Registered: ‎10-25-2010

@shelbyshelbyshelby wrote:

Why was she wasting her time , a four year relationship is a long time  . I have no desire to remarry or get into a relation ship . My husband passed away going on 9 years . We would have been married going on 34 years .  I took care of myself before we married and that is what I am now doing . I have three fur babies and they are my loves .

I applaud anyone who wants to remarry and have found a new love .

I myself will continue on . I do miss my husband each day . We had a good marraige , not perfect .

I think that he wasted your time . I am sorry for you , but you will survive . 

 


Why do you think she wasted her time with him?  Apparently, they enjoyed each other's company and enjoyed their time together.

 

They are not a young couple and having children would not be an issue. Her time clock is not running out. It doesn't seem like he strung her along.  

He didn't want to cohabitate with her or get married.  There is nothing wrong with that.  If that is what she was looking for, then she is now free to peruse that type of relationship with someone who wants the same.

Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,075
Registered: ‎03-12-2010

@2Kittys wrote:

Is it possible that he met someone new, and wanted out of the 4 years?He jumped pretty fast as soon as she said something. That's too bad.


I was thinking the same thing. He probably already has someone else picked out.

Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,075
Registered: ‎03-12-2010

@Nataliesgramma wrote:

Well...around here there are more single women than single men in this age group...

 

I think the men realize they don't need to commit. The women are happy to come over, clean his house and cook for him.....the men eat it up...

 

I don't know if it is for a need of male companionship or to supplement their income......it is both sad and funny.....


Exactly!

Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,372
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

@Goodie2shoes wrote:

I think she thought at their age of 65  he would be ready to settle down and not play games. They traveled, her family loved him and they seemed meant for each other. 


The age says a lot.  My friend had a boyfriend and at that age the last thing he wanted was to get married again or live together.  She understood but wanted more.   She moved on and has a new boyfriend and they are still very good friends.  

Honored Contributor
Posts: 60,232
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Given what we know, which might or might not be the whole picture, this man in no way 'failed' this woman. They simply weren't looking for the same outcome.


In my pantry with my cupcakes...
Honored Contributor
Posts: 12,951
Registered: ‎06-17-2015

And again, communication failed this relationship.

 

She had an EXPECTATION he would want to move in and then marry next fall.  She had an EXPECTATION her life would be what she wanted without the discussion being brought up before. 

 

By what the OP wrote, this was brought up by her for the first time;  and while I do not see anything wrong with this woman expressing how she wanted the relationship to escalate, she had an EXPECTATION that he wanted the same.

 

Therein lies the summary of this whole situation.

 

Expectations are no more than premeditated disappointments.

 

I also stand by what I said-women are supposed to be strong and not depend upon others to make them whole, valued, independent-y'all get what I am saying.  We've been hearing this since last century.

 

  Yet look at the posts; HE is the bad one; HE let her down; HE failed her.  He probably had someone on the side.  He just wanted somebody to cook and clean for him (nobody knows this).  On and on.

 

Now she is the victim, she was blindsided, etc. etc. etc. 

 

Perhaps had she kept the relationship in the realm in which is was thriving, and it sounds as though it was going smoothly, and not had the EXPECTATION he would want what SHE wants, then just perhaps she would still be enjoying his companionship.

 

Look-nobody knows what really went on between the two.  We only have the OP's opinion and of course she is going to be biased-the woman is her friend.

 

We don't know what would have happened if he gave in to what she wanted; we don't know if this relationship would have thrived even without her asking about moving in and later marrying.

 

This woman will survive and carry on.  But only if she is a realist, takes the time to feel down (it's ok to do so) and then picks up her life and makes it good for her without depending upon another person to do it for her.

 

 

 

 

""Out beyond the ideas of right-doing and wrong-doing, there is a field. I will meet you there." -Rumi
Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,804
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

@Goodie2shoes wrote:

A friend of mine is having a hard time this holiday season and I am lost for words to tell her.  She was in a relationship  for 4 years up until the first week of November when her guy just ended the relationship simply because she mentioned they think. about getting a place together or considering marriage in the fall of next year.  They were such a cute couple and always seemed very happy. I feel so bad for her, she was blindsided, had no clue this was coming.  I know time will heal her broken heart. Another sad 2020 story. I do hope 2021 is a better year


 

My suspisions are, there is either more to this story, i.e. she pushed harder than she told you, or he wanted to brake-up before she brought up the topic.

 

It is not at all unusual for people in their 60s not to want to marry.  Likewise, it is not unusual for one partner in a couple who have been together a number of years to talk about co-habitation or marriage.

 

But, an expected response to a gentle suggestion would have been something to the effect - Babe, I love spending time with you, and you are an important part of my life, but I'm too set in my ways to live with someone else at this stage in my life. 

 

Unfortunately, you are not going to fix this.  It is normal to be in a funk after a four year relationship ends.   You can listen to her and/ or suggest activities or interests for her - but it may just be a matter of time before she is ready. 

Do the math.
Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,862
Registered: ‎03-29-2019

@Cakers3 wrote:

And again, communication failed this relationship.

 

She had an EXPECTATION he would want to move in and then marry next fall.  She had an EXPECTATION her life would be what she wanted without the discussion being brought up before. 

 

By what the OP wrote, this was brought up by her for the first time;  and while I do not see anything wrong with this woman expressing how she wanted the relationship to escalate, she had an EXPECTATION that he wanted the same.

 

Therein lies the summary of this whole situation.

 

Expectations are no more than premeditated disappointments.

 

I also stand by what I said-women are supposed to be strong and not depend upon others to make them whole, valued, independent-y'all get what I am saying.  We've been hearing this since last century.

 

  Yet look at the posts; HE is the bad one; HE let her down; HE failed her.  He probably had someone on the side.  He just wanted somebody to cook and clean for him (nobody knows this).  On and on.

 

Now she is the victim, she was blindsided, etc. etc. etc. 

 

Perhaps had she kept the relationship in the realm in which is was thriving, and it sounds as though it was going smoothly, and not had the EXPECTATION he would want what SHE wants, then just perhaps she would still be enjoying his companionship.

 

Look-nobody knows what really went on between the two.  We only have the OP's opinion and of course she is going to be biased-the woman is her friend.

 

We don't know what would have happened if he gave in to what she wanted; we don't know if this relationship would have thrived even without her asking about moving in and later marrying.

 

This woman will survive and carry on.  But only if she is a realist, takes the time to feel down (it's ok to do so) and then picks up her life and makes it good for her without depending upon another person to do it for her.

 

 

 

 


 

 

 

 

 

@Cakers3 

 

 

 

 

Agreed!

 

 

It's like women expect men to be able to read their minds!

 

 

Newsflash!

 

 

Nobody can!

 

 

 

Men or  women!

 

 

Maybe she should have been able to read his mind and knew that he didn't want to move in or get married

 

 

 

The Sky looks different when you have someone you love up there.
Valued Contributor
Posts: 542
Registered: ‎07-10-2019

Re: What should she do?

[ Edited ]

4 years is a long time or not depending on what type of relationship it was.  Did they see each other just a few times a week?  Did they stay at each other's places and have clothing, etcetera at one another's homes?

Did they spend days together 24-7 or go on long vacations together?  I don't know.  If they did spend much of the time together there had to be a bond between them and he will really miss her and find it hard to let go.

 

What I do know is most men over 60 have been married and divorced.  They have lost 50 percent of their

money to ex-wives which stings. Why repeat it? There would be no children and so most would not deem marriage even necessary.  Also, some women could do worse to remarry with their current social security income.

It's tricky and complicated. If he was a gent and paid for everything it would sound like a lovely companionship the way it was.

 

I don't feel there was another woman involved either like some have said here.  We all have that gut instinct and she would feel things slowly changing in attitude and behavior.  We're not stupid lol.

 

I'm only replying to this thread because he will be back.  You can bet on it as they all do eventually.

Maybe this time alone will let her reassess what she had and that it might just be ok the way it was if given the chance.

 

I also don't believe the comments that men only want older women to cook and clean for them That's just silly and not true.

 

Be prepared for that eventual phone call as it will come.  I wish all the best for your friend.