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Honored Contributor
Posts: 9,796
Registered: ‎11-16-2014

Why does she want to spoil a good thing? A few dates and  a woman can see whether a guy wants marriage. She stuck with him for 4 years and is surprised he wants to stay single? I guess, you can say, I don't get it.....

Valued Contributor
Posts: 955
Registered: ‎10-16-2020

Re: What should she do?

[ Edited ]

I think some women particularly those who still have some baby making years left, eventually desire a marriage and children or want to be open to adopting a child.  Women change as they get older and casual relationships can sometimes not be enough.  I wouldn't fault her, just hope for her that she achieves her goals whatever they may be. 

 

 

Honored Contributor
Posts: 19,722
Registered: ‎08-08-2010

Honestly, at the ages of this couple, I find it 'normal' that at least one of them would be looking for just a relationship, without the ties. Many people at this age have weathered child rearing, divorce or death of a spouse, and are looking for companionship but not real commitment. They had that in the past, and it either didn't work out, or ended sadly, and they don't want to deal with it again. They often only want a minimal level of commitment.

 

This goes for as many women as men. Not everyone is looking for another lifetime commitment, and often adult children and grands have an effect on this, even when the other person in the relationship don't see it or know that is an issue/factor.

 

Money can be another factor that may not have been discussed, but many people will loose pensions and other benefits if they remarry, or don't want to entangle finances on any kind of a permanent basis (and kids often have a hand it being involved in that issue too, even if the other one in the relationship doesn't know it).

 

So while I know she feels like she took a real punch to the gut, I guess the long term blessing is she now knows exactly where they each stood, and is not wasting anymore time in a relationship that isn't going to go where she wanted it to. 

Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,568
Registered: ‎09-06-2014

Sorry for what your friend is going through but I would rather find out now than after moving in together.  My first thought was she should adopt a pet to bring joy and unconditional love into her life.  

Valued Contributor
Posts: 955
Registered: ‎10-16-2020

Re: What should she do?

[ Edited ]

@mominohio wrote:

Honestly, at the ages of this couple, I find it 'normal' that at least one of them would be looking for just a relationship, without the ties. Many people at this age have weathered child rearing, divorce or death of a spouse, and are looking for companionship but not real commitment. They had that in the past, and it either didn't work out, or ended sadly, and they don't want to deal with it again. They often only want a minimal level of commitment.

 

This goes for as many women as men. Not everyone is looking for another lifetime commitment, and often adult children and grands have an effect on this, even when the other person in the relationship don't see it or know that is an issue/factor.

 

Money can be another factor that may not have been discussed, but many people will loose pensions and other benefits if they remarry, or don't want to entangle finances on any kind of a permanent basis (and kids often have a hand it being involved in that issue too, even if the other one in the relationship doesn't know it).

 

So while I know she feels like she took a real punch to the gut, I guess the long term blessing is she now knows exactly where they each stood, and is not wasting anymore time in a relationship that isn't going to go where she wanted it to. 


@mominohioI know a guy who is so lonely and just downright depressed most days - even before the pandemic and it's all because he doesn't want to share his money or more exactly doesn't want some woman spending it on clothes, jewelry or for a medical procedure.  Sad but that's his money and he wants it to last as long as possible. 

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 7,316
Registered: ‎02-19-2014

Re: What should she do?

[ Edited ]

@Goodie2shoes wrote:

A friend of mine is having a hard time this holiday season and I am lost for words to tell her.  She was in a relationship  for 4 years up until the first week of November when her guy just ended the relationship simply because she mentioned they think. about getting a place together or considering marriage in the fall of next year.  They were such a cute couple and always seemed very happy. I feel so bad for her, she was blindsided, had no clue this was coming.  I know time will heal her broken heart. Another sad 2020 story. I do hope 2021 is a better year


 

Better to know now than spend another four years on him, only to get the same result. If he doesn't want the same future as she does, he's by definition Not The One for her. He just disqualified himself as a suitable long term partner. She needs to reject him for failing her. Thanks for all the fun memories and lessons that made me grow as a person and byebye don't let the door hit you on the way out.

 

Then she needs to get her feet back under herself. Which will take a little while. They say it takes at least a month for every year you were together.

 

 

Sigh. He is not in the wrong. It's not wrong to want to casually date. This man is just wrong for this woman and is not qualified to make her happy because they want different things. He failed her in that regard. But it is not morally wrong that he could not provide what she needed. Likewise, she was not as flexibile or casual about the relationship as he needed her to be.

 

If his attitude toward marriage to her was a suprise for her, he was not communicating it clearly until that moment. Or she didn't want to know. That is a problem. Most relationships that don't work out have multiple problems that are the responsibility of both people.

 

I don't think we need to blame anyone. Sometimes relationships are not meant to last. But a friend needs to take the side of their friend and encourage her to feel empowered and better off without him.

When you’re accustomed to privilege, equality feels like oppression.
"Power without love is reckless and abusive, and love without power is sentimental and anemic." - Dr. Martin Luther King Jr
Honored Contributor
Posts: 8,422
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Men who want marriage at that age are looking for someone to take care of them, a maid, cook, and eventually a nurse. 

 

If I were to become single, marriage would be the last thing I'd want. 

 

Unless she was looking for financial security, she was foolish to ruin a good thing. 

 

 

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,824
Registered: ‎03-29-2019

I have always believed that two people can be in a committed relationship without a trip down the aisle.

 

 

I am going to guess that she had a "Where is this relationship going?" conversation, and he told her that marriage was not an option for him, when she told him that she wanted to get married.

 

 

The way that I see it, neither party is wrong for wanting what they want or don't want.

 

Not all relationships are meant to last a lifetime.

 

 

That doesn't make either party the "bad" person.

 

 

It's just one of those things that happen in life.

 

 

 

There's a saying that I'm probably going to mangle, but it goes something like, "Some people come in to your life for a day, some for a season, some for a lifetime" .

 

 

He, came in to her life for a season.

 

 

 

She'll hurt for awhile, but her heart will heal, and life will go on.

The Sky looks different when you have someone you love up there.
Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 7,316
Registered: ‎02-19-2014

@embgm wrote:

A few years ago ,my girlfriend was involved in a relationship and a similar incident occurred. They had been dating for three years, he was considered a member of their family. Her grown children liked him. She decided to ask where he thought their relationship was headed. He immediately broke up with her. She was devastated, as that's not what she expected him to say. How do you stay in someone's life , knowing they care more than you do and it won't be forever? 


I think sometimes they've been enjoying how things are, but when put on the spot to consider whether they want to lock in the rest of their life together with this person, they realize the answer is no. Their heart says no.

 

That's the risk when you ask a question like that. If you give the person a reason to really consider it, they might discover they don't actually want a future together and that the only kind and responsible response is to end it. It's intended to free the other person up to find someone who does want a forever commitment. The shocking part is that it happens so suddenly even though things were going so well.

When you’re accustomed to privilege, equality feels like oppression.
"Power without love is reckless and abusive, and love without power is sentimental and anemic." - Dr. Martin Luther King Jr
Honored Contributor
Posts: 21,477
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

@Anonymous032819 wrote:

I have always believed that two people can be in a committed relationship without a trip down the aisle.

 

 

I am going to guess that she had a "Where is this relationship going?" conversation, and he told her that marriage was not an option for him, when she told him that she wanted to get married.

 

 

The way that I see it, neither party is wrong for wanting what they want or don't want.

 

Not all relationships are meant to last a lifetime.

 

 

That doesn't make either party the "bad" person.

 

 

It's just one of those things that happen in life.

 

 

 

There's a saying that I'm probably going to mangle, but it goes something like, "Some people come in to your life for a day, some for a season, some for a lifetime" .

 

 

He, came in to her life for a season.

 

 

 

She'll hurt for awhile, but her heart will heal, and life will go on.


Yes, she did, according to the OP.


~Who in the world am I? Ah, that's the great puzzle~ Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland