Community Chat

[pggoody]

I found myself reminiscing the other day about how I disciplined my daughter.  She's grown up to be a loving, hard working and kind hearted young woman.  I was definitely the disciplinary figure of the family and usually the one that "pulled the plug" when it needed to be done. Our daughter was thoughtful, respectful, a good student, graduated college found a job right away and other than the typical sneaking around and getting caught in a few lies she was and still is our greatest blessing.   We are very close and for the most part always have been. Although, I do remember a year or so during high school when  things were a bit tense. At these times  I always reminded her that I was her mother and not suppose to be her friend . And I told her I was setting structure and boundaries in her life BECAUSE we loved her.  Well, it paid off and a few years back she thanked me for raising her with structure and setting those boundaries.   But there was one time when I later regretted the punishment  I gave for catching her in a lie.  She had gone somewhere she was not allowed to be at.  I cancelled a pizza get together she had invited friends to to celebrate her birthday. She was either a freshman or sophomore in HS.  There was nothing I hated more than being lied to.  She cried and my heart ached for her.  I think I suffered more than she did.    

[Goldengate8361]

@pggoody You obviously have a kind heart--so good for you, Goody. Cancelling a pizza together, however, is really insignificant in the grand scheme of things. If that's your biggest regret, you have nothing...really nothing to worry about!

[chrystaltree]

It seems like you and I share similar parenting philosophies.  I always cringe when someone says that her child is her "best friend". I'm not their friend, I'm their mom.  I have two daughters both in their early 30's and sometimes, I sit back and wonder how I got so lucky.  My girls are lovely, strong, independant, respectful, loving young women.  They say a woman can't have it all.  They do; husbands, children, careers, friends.  I was the discplinarian in our family, probably because we had girls.  I admit, I was a little strict.  We only have one shot at raising our kids and I believed that it was better to be too strict than too lenient.  My mom raised 5 and she once told me that sometimes as parents, you have to say no, just for the sake of saying no.  It teaches kids that they can't have everything they want and it teaches them how to deal accept and deal with that.  I won't lie.  My older daughter was a breeze to raise but in h.s. her sister did go through a "difficult" phase.  There were definitely some challenges.  She was always an A student and involved in school activities.  My girls attended a private h.s.  During her artistic, free spirit phase she cut her hair into a short ragged cut and had it dyed pale blue.  Against school rules, against my rules.  It was an extreme hairstyle and she couldn't go to school like that.  Well, my hairdresser said that she could color it a normal hair color and she could cut it and perhaps add some extensions until it grew out.  But my girl wouldn't have learned anything if I just fixed her mess.  So, she had two choices.  Wear a wig or take the semester off from school and return in the fall.  Taking a semester off meant giving up her activities, putting her class standing at risk (she was at the top) and being separated from her friends.  She opted to wear the wig.  I know it was hard for her at school, I know some kids were made fun of her or were mean to her.  It hurt me almost as much as it hurt her.  But summer vacation came and her hair grew out and everything was fine when senior year started in September.  But she learned a valuable lesson, there are consequences when you break the rules.  And some of those consequences are serious.

[Mominohio]

---

@pggoody wrote:

I found myself reminiscing the other day about how I disciplined my daughter.  She's grown up to be a loving, hard working and kind hearted young woman.  I was definitely the disciplinary figure of the family and usually the one that "pulled the plug" when it needed to be done. Our daughter was thoughtful, respectful, a good student, graduated college found a job right away and other than the typical sneaking around and getting caught in a few lies she was and still is our greatest blessing.   We are very close and for the most part always have been. Although, I do remember a year or so during high school when  things were a bit tense. At these times  I always reminded her that I was her mother and not suppose to be her friend . And I told her I was setting structure and boundaries in her life BECAUSE we loved her.  Well, it paid off and a few years back she thanked me for raising her with structure and setting those boundaries.   But there was one time when I later regretted the punishment  I gave for catching her in a lie.  She had gone somewhere she was not allowed to be at.  I cancelled a pizza get together she had invited friends to to celebrate her birthday. She was either a freshman or sophomore in HS.  There was nothing I hated more than being lied to.  She cried and my heart ached for her.  I think I suffered more than she did.    

---

My mom always told me that when you punish your child, you are punishing yourself even more. You are denied the fun/freedom/anticipation/ excitement of what you are taking away from them as well. 

There were many times I cried after handing down a consequence for things done (or not done), but I would not go back and change the way I raised my son in general, at all.

Life is hard, and it was my job to make sure he could stand up under the pressures life would hand him. He has had a really bad start to this year (and really not a great last year either). Job loss, relationship issues, being accused of something (rather bad) that he didn't do to someone, financial mishaps, totaling a car in a bad accident....all this year alone. And he is still getting up and pushing forward. Trying to get his life back on some kind of positive track. He isn't blaming others, giving up, or 'crying in his beer'. 

I think if I had not been tough on him, this last year or so could have driven him to do things to cope that many people turn to when life gets rough. So while it hurts at the time I think you did the right things.

[Mominohio]

---

@chrystaltree wrote:

It seems like you and I share similar parenting philosophies.  I always cringe when someone says that her child is her "best friend". I'm not their friend, I'm their mom.  I have two daughters both in their early 30's and sometimes, I sit back and wonder how I got so lucky.  My girls are lovely, strong, independant, respectful, loving young women.  They say a woman can't have it all.  They do; husbands, children, careers, friends.  I was the discplinarian in our family, probably because we had girls.  I admit, I was a little strict.  We only have one shot at raising our kids and I believed that it was better to be too strict than too lenient.  My mom raised 5 and she once told me that sometimes as parents, you have to say no, just for the sake of saying no.  It teaches kids that they can't have everything they want and it teaches them how to deal accept and deal with that.  I won't lie.  My older daughter was a breeze to raise but in h.s. her sister did go through a "difficult" phase.  There were definitely some challenges.  She was always an A student and involved in school activities.  My girls attended a private h.s.  During her artistic, free spirit phase she cut her hair into a short ragged cut and had it dyed pale blue.  Against school rules, against my rules.  It was an extreme hairstyle and she couldn't go to school like that.  Well, my hairdresser said that she could color it a normal hair color and she could cut it and perhaps add some extensions until it grew out.  But my girl wouldn't have learned anything if I just fixed her mess.  So, she had two choices.  Wear a wig or take the semester off from school and return in the fall.  Taking a semester off meant giving up her activities, putting her class standing at risk (she was at the top) and being separated from her friends.  She opted to wear the wig.  I know it was hard for her at school, I know some kids were made fun of her or were mean to her.  It hurt me almost as much as it hurt her.  But summer vacation came and her hair grew out and everything was fine when senior year started in September.  But she learned a valuable lesson, there are consequences when you break the rules.  And some of those consequences are serious.

---

@chrystaltree

You and I don't often see eye to eye on subjects, but I agree with your entire post. Making kids suffer the consequences of their actions is one of the hardest things to do sometimes, but I too believe it is crucial to having adults that understand the rules are for them too (not just every one else), that even when the rules seem unfair, unjust, or plain stupid, you aren't exempt from them. You don't always get your way, and so many adults today just don't get that. They think they can 'negotiate' (translated argue) anything with anyone if they whine about it long enough.

And I always told my son the same thing, "I'm not your friend, I'm your mother, and that is way better than any friend you will ever have. I love you more, will love you longer, and through things than no one else ever will".

Even mature adults, when the parent child relationship becomes more friendship, still holds need for a parent to be a parent once in awhile. My mom is 80 and I'm 55, and she still pulls the 'mom' card once in awhile, and I'll admit I need to hear it when she does.

[IamMrsG]

@chrystaltree and @Mominohio

Amen and Hallelujah! 

[Carmie]

I never regretted disciplining my children. All people are accountable for their actions and must own them... the good with the bad. I was strict and my kids complained, but they all turned out well. Funny thing is. Two of my children have their own children and they are strict parents too. It is very difficult to raise children the right way. You have to put forth a lot of effort, but it is worth it. Sometimes it hurts you when you must be tough with your kids, but you know you need to do the right thing.

[RedTop]

I look back and have no regrets with my very strict disciplinary actions.   My daughters feel they are better people today for the firm lessons they learned the hard way.   

[dex]

I think discipline is a teaching experience and I always used consequences for poor choices made by my son.i remember a time he wanted ice cream from the musical truck and I told him no.I looked out the window a few minutes later to see him making a purchase.I asked when he got the money(he was four) and he said from his dads dresser.I said well then that is dad's ice cream so we will put it in the freezer for his dessert after dinner.....luckily for my son,his father was not in the mood for dessert and regifted the treat to him.That was the last time our son took money without asking.When he was older I told him he could help himself to any change on the dresser but he wouldn't without calling to let us know.He is a grown man now and a very good person with strong morales and values.

[QVCkitty1]

---

@chrystaltree wrote:

It seems like you and I share similar parenting philosophies.  I always cringe when someone says that her child is her "best friend". I'm not their friend, I'm their mom.  I have two daughters both in their early 30's and sometimes, I sit back and wonder how I got so lucky.  My girls are lovely, strong, independant, respectful, loving young women.  They say a woman can't have it all.  They do; husbands, children, careers, friends.  I was the discplinarian in our family, probably because we had girls.  I admit, I was a little strict.  We only have one shot at raising our kids and I believed that it was better to be too strict than too lenient.  My mom raised 5 and she once told me that sometimes as parents, you have to say no, just for the sake of saying no.  It teaches kids that they can't have everything they want and it teaches them how to deal accept and deal with that.  I won't lie.  My older daughter was a breeze to raise but in h.s. her sister did go through a "difficult" phase.  There were definitely some challenges.  She was always an A student and involved in school activities.  My girls attended a private h.s.  During her artistic, free spirit phase she cut her hair into a short ragged cut and had it dyed pale blue.  Against school rules, against my rules.  It was an extreme hairstyle and she couldn't go to school like that.  Well, my hairdresser said that she could color it a normal hair color and she could cut it and perhaps add some extensions until it grew out.  But my girl wouldn't have learned anything if I just fixed her mess.  So, she had two choices.  Wear a wig or take the semester off from school and return in the fall.  Taking a semester off meant giving up her activities, putting her class standing at risk (she was at the top) and being separated from her friends.  She opted to wear the wig.  I know it was hard for her at school, I know some kids were made fun of her or were mean to her.  It hurt me almost as much as it hurt her.  But summer vacation came and her hair grew out and everything was fine when senior year started in September.  But she learned a valuable lesson, there are consequences when you break the rules.  And some of those consequences are serious.

---

You sound like my mom, she never backed downed on a punishment, there was no work around. Those lessons served me well in life, and yes my mom was my best friend.