Community Chat

[Yardlie]

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@Ms X wrote:

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@catwhisperer wrote:

@Ms X....very well stated.

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Thank you, Catwhisperer.  Without going into detail, when I was younger I was extremely stubborn and felt a thirst for justice in the face of mistreatment.  I think many people feel this way.  When you are in the situation, I believe those traits help you to survive rather than knuckle under.  It helps you to psychologically separate yourself from the situation.  However, most people won't admit they were wrong even if objectively there's no question about it. 

Therefore, once you have distance from the situation you need to realize that what happened before can never be made right.  The strengths that helped you endure the bad situation work against you once you are out of it.  Only by accepting that there is no justice and it cannot be made right will you find peace.  It really took me a long time to realize that.  Maybe if I'd been seeing a shrink, the progress would have been much faster!

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Ms X ... I'm happy you have found peace. The ironic thing in my situation is that I am now the caregiver of the mother who emotionally and verbally abused me throughout my childhood. She knows that I won't take her abuse anymore, but that doesn't mean that she doesn't try. Thankfully, DH can handle my mother much better than I can. 

[Yardlie]

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@fortune wrote:

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@Julie928 wrote:

Mine would be to let other's live their lives as they wish (no matter how messed up their situation may be).  I cannot control others (and have no desire to) but trust me when I say I could start another thread about the garbage people put up with and the amount of times I've asked myself "Why???"  It makes me sad to see people close to me putting up with emotional abuse but I've learned to keep my mouth shut ~ when I try to understand the situation I get excuses about why so-and-so is the way they are.  The resentment that should be on the abuser is then on me.  So now it is live and let live, tough as it may be...  :-)

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@Julie928  That sure is a hard lesson to learn.  I'm a fixer and used to try to give people advice.  I've found that most people don't want advice.  They don't want to change things.  Maybe it's because they're getting payoffs for how they're coping.  I sure don't know.  But, one has to try not to keep spinning their wheels trying to fix things for others.

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@fortune ... Some people just want to vent. They don't want advice. I think a lot of these people are enablers. If they allow themselves to be treated poorly, it will continue to happen. The alternative is too frightening to many of them.

[catwhisperer]

@Yardlie...I am so sorry that you are dealing with having to care for a mother who was abusive to you. (((Hugs))). Thank goodness your DH is there to help you.

[Yardlie]

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@chickenbutt wrote:

Moonchilde - Mine seemed to remember our childhood as picket fences and ponies.     It boggles the mind.  

For mine it was the self-loathing and I imagine a part of that, maybe for both of our mothers, they just probably don't want to have to actually face the fact of their own failures.    

So there is the victim mentality with her - ok fine, I'm horrible.  Yikes - well, yes you were but that's not where we're trying to go here.  hehe

I think for me the light bulb had to click in that I was not the problem so I could not fix it.  I tried a few times, until that last time with the letter, and I finally got it.  It will never be fixed.  Even if there could have been some 'going forward' kind of thing I could have been a part of that.  But she was not willing.    I don't even know if she is alive or dead.  I have a hard time not wishing her a painful death.  I know that sounds horrible, but I really do try not to think that way because I'm not one to wish ill-will on others.  With her - it's not so easy!

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Sounds like the three of us had the same mother. I often envy women who talk about how close they are to their mothers. The only person my mother loves is herself. Sad...and I am now her caregiver. Totally ironic.

[GCR18]

Don't spend more money than you have.

[Yardlie]

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@mosky wrote:

That everything has a price

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So true...It's like, "Pay me now or pay me later."

[Yardlie]

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@fortune wrote:

This thread is awesome!!!  So many wise words.  I wish we could bind this thread and sell it as a book!!!

One of the things I've learned is that you're ultimately responsible for your own happiness.

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@fortune ... Glad that you like this thread. It takes some people a long time to finally realize that they are ultimately responsible for their own happiness.

[Yardlie]

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@kelsey17 wrote:

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@Brinklii wrote:

OK...I know we have all learned lots of lessons, but what has been the most difficult lesson for you to get out of life?

Mine has been that it is OK to be average. I have always been a perfectionist...which can drive you crazy...as well as other people. I know that I became this way because of my mother's criticisms while I was growing up. So, I have always been an over-achiever, a perfectionist, etc. It has taken me years to learn that it is perfectly acceptable to be average...and, in fact, it is nice to be in the middle of the pack. I don't like being the center of attention anyway. I still struggle at times with being a perfectionist, but it is easier now that I am retired.

Care to share? What's been the hardest lesson for you to learn?

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My mother always said "LIFE ISN'T FAIR"......and i guess that is the hardest lesson i have had to learn in life.....

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@kelsey17 ... Wow...Isn't that true? Life isn't fair, but it's a good lesson to learn. It serves you well in marriage, on the job, and when you have children.

[Yardlie]

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@colliegirls wrote:

Get the facts.

Stand up for yourself.

Don't allow people to take advantage of you.

If someone does not bring joy in your life, get rid of them.

Life can change in a moment.

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@colliegirls ... Some very important lessons here. Life can change in a moment?? Isn't that the truth? Life is very fleeting.

[kivah]

I'm a very young 75 yrs old - hard for me to believe!!!!! I never got married - either I didn't meet the right guy - or I was afraid of commitment, having an emotionally-abusive father. My mother and I were very close - like twins - and she died in 1982. So - I was left alone and on my own. I always had 2 or 3 close female friends to rely on. Years ago, one of those friends did a few mean things to me, after knowing her many years. So that friendship ended. My friend Brenda - we were friends for 33 yrs. I went to her wedding and had a nice relationship with her daughter, who I recently put thru college. Brenda died this past January from cancer. I also helped Brenda out financially - as she was always broke. When I look back to the time my mother died, I realized that I was always: overly helpful, giving my time and money, etc. I was always in the weak position --- as my friends had husbands and family and I was alone.

This is the first time that "I'm Taking Care of Myself". 

Just like my mother -- she was more concerned with helping people and never thought of herself. 

There were a few people thru my life that were caring toward me --- but "now I come first".