Re: What is the Hardest Lesson You Have Had to Lea... - Page 4

Moonchilde · ‎05-23-2010

@chickenbutt, I didn't have issues growing up that were anywhere near as severe and horrible as yours, but I did suffer emotional abuse and parental disinterest, and it was made very clear to me in my childhood and teens that I didn't matter squat in the scheme of things to anyone - not my mother, father or step-father. There was *always* some lack, some way I didn't measure up - even the things I enjoyed or was good at would be deprecated as not important, weird, etc. One thing this has done is to make me a quitter, because if I faltered and needed help doing/learning something it was never there - I've never had backup. So if I would try to learn/do something new and it was too hard to figure out on my own I'd just drop it. I've never had a ton of friends (introvert) and helpful strangers around 😏

It took a long time for me to accept that I was okay being me, and that I was smart, funny and a worthwhile person, and if anyone didn't approve, tough thit, their loss not mine.

Life without Mexican food is no life at all

Oneanddone · ‎03-10-2010

The hardest lesson I've had to learn in life is, you think you know and trust someone, until they prove you wrong.

cookinfreak · ‎03-31-2010

That the women I share DNA with can no longer be called my sisters. One lives 6+ hrs away. One has always been an evil, snotty *itch to me my whole life. All I heard from her was you're so ugly, your clothes are ugly. Jeeezzz you are so stupid. She now lives about 4 hours away, and when her & her family moved I never heard anything from her (which has been 20+ yrs). Even heard about her pregnancy from a coworker of my brothers. Then when her kids graduated I got an announcement. She just wanted money for them. Nobody ever heard from her unless they bought a new house, or a new this or that and then if they came to town, she wanted everyone to fall all over themselves and her because she was gracing us with her presence. Treated our folks terribly. Only saw them when they had a party to attend, and used them for a place to stay and a babysitter when her kids were little. Found out she had been taking all kinds of things from them thru the years. It bugged her terribly that my other "sister" and I were close and has bad mouthed me to her for years and tried to always cause a problem between us. Last year I found out they were coming to town and when I called the "sister" I was close to to find out all the details, she ripped into me and was so mean and said terrible things to me. I ended up hanging up on her. I kept trying to reason with her but she has been brainwashed. Just found out that the one who was so evil to me my whole life has a brother in law who just passed away. She hasn't contacted me at all. I have been close to my sis in law, and now she is trying to turn her against me as well. I learned a long time ago that she would never change and had dealt with that. Just can't believe she hated me so much she would try to turn everyone against me.

Sorry this got so long.

cookin

chickenbutt · ‎03-09-2010

@Moonchilde wrote:
@chickenbutt, I didn't have issues growing up that were anywhere near as severe and horrible as yours, but I did suffer emotional abuse and parental disinterest, and it was made very clear to me in my childhood and teens that I didn't matter squat in the scheme of things to anyone - not my mother, father or step-father. There was *always* some lack, some way I didn't measure up - even the things I enjoyed or was good at would be deprecated as not important, weird, etc.

It took a long time for me to accept that I was okay being me, and that I was smart, funny and a worthwhile person, and if anyone didn't approve, tough thit, their loss not mine.

Aww, ((Moonchilde))) - on this we can both relate completely. I'm sorry you grew up like that. When it's always drilled into you that you are 'less than' or my (not) favorite, called 'worthless', on some level in your brain and definitely in your emotions, you BELIEVE that!

Why would the person who is supposed to love me the most, nurture me, and want nothing but the best for me treat me this way if I didn't deserve it? THAT is where a child's mind goes and it becomes a part of who you are to the extent that it branches into other things beyond childhood.

Well, you ARE all those things. Just sitting here in my living room in Reno, Nevada, I know that. so there! You seem very strong to me and absolutely smart, worthy, and funny. I really like funny and smart people a lot!

This has been cathartic, yes? I don't frivolously share the horrors of my life, as I know you don't either, but sometimes it is that time. Sometimes it helps somebody else to not feel alone.

Good grief - how much did we probably feel the most profound degree of aloneness growing up, eh?

Moonchilde · ‎05-23-2010

@chickenbutt, thank you {HUG} 🙂

As far back as I can remember, rather than feel like I must have done something wrong to 'deserve' what came my way (or didn't come, more often than not), I was resentful, even as a child, that nobody *cared* enough to just *listen* to me and maybe, just maybe, think outside the Box of Assumption that they knew all my motives and thoughts, and hear (or care) about the me inside. All of my upbringing was I'm the parent, you're the worthless child I have to raise and am stuck with, now shut up and do what I tell you.

My mother was emotionally abused by her mother, but she never, ever saw the way I was raised as abuse, even many years later. That's the classic pattern, they say - the abused continue to abuse. I don't get it either 😟

Oh yes, I always felt totally alone. In some ways I still do. But I like myself, as I'm sure you like yourself, so we're okay 😍

Yes, it's always interesting, and often affirming and soothing, for lack of a better word, to hear that there are others out there who suffered and made it ❤️

Life without Mexican food is no life at all

scotnovel · ‎12-31-2013

@chickenbutt wrote:
I think it was having a full (intellectual as well as emotional) realization that the horrible things being done to me throughout my childhood were NOT my fault.

That probably sounds rather silly. But you take stuff like that with you, even into adulthood, to a degree, and you have to put a lot of effort into not taking responsibility for the deeds of others.

It's not that you are carrying all that around with you (like a pity party), but your emotions carry the mis-information that, somehow, you must have done some, or not been good enough, that you deserved being treated horribly.

Hopefully, this made sense. I'm sure it does for some.

I totally understand and have empathy for you as I have also had to come to terms that my childhood was NOT my fault. You may already know this or not be interested, but there is a sort of series of books - I Am Not Good Enough; Will I ever be Good Enough; More Than Good Enough, etc. . I have carried around a lot of similar stuff to what you mentioned and the book that helped me was - Will I ever be Good Enough.

chickenbutt · ‎03-09-2010

Moonchilde

Yeah, I really like being alone - I mean I like being alone a LOT! So, and I'm certain that you have full realization of this, I know the difference between being alone and FEELING alone. I still feel alone most of the time, inside.

I remember one time, about 10-15 years ago, and for the last time, writing my horrible mother a letting. My effort was to try and mend things. Why - I have no freaking idea but I have since realized that if you aren't the one who did the damage, you are not the one who is going to be able to fix things.

I just wanted to have a mother. So, stupidly, I wrote her and talking about many of the things that had damaged me, and how they had hurt me, etc.

Well, I got a scathing letter back that not only told me I was weird (well, whatever) but blamed ME - the little kid. Whaaa? Anyway, it went on and on with her usual ugliness (that I was to learn was just a manifestation of her own self-hatred) and ended that I would not be hearing from her again. So, it continued that I was the worthless, stupid, horrible person.

If I had not been her victim for many times I would feel sorry for her. I tried to even NOT hate her. That didn't go too well, but I did try. For the beatings, all that screaming and demeaning, making me the Cinderella since I was six years old, and then the 'other' abuses by some of her husbands and others - I have no respect for her and can't even wish her well.

One time I asked my father if I was a bad child. She had given me to her and I was with him for a couple of years until he thought I needed a mother (he didn't know) and brought me back.

One bit of verification I got was him (and I told him to be 100% honest) telling me that I was NOT a bad little girl. I was a very sweet, loving, open, caring child who always wanted to help others.

Clearly, I have closed up a bit since then due to all that ensued after I went back but I was happy to know that little girl a little bit more, instead of only remembering her through the lens of all the abuse.

Unfortunately, when he brought me back was also the point when I realized (in my little child mind) that NOBODY wanted me. I worked that out some in therapy years ago.

But - hey, we all had our difficulties, eh?

chickenbutt · ‎03-09-2010

Scotnovel - Thank You for the recommendation. I was not familiar with that book series at all.

While I hate that we all went through this stuff, I am glad that we can not feel so all alone.

maestra · ‎03-09-2010

To let go of relationships that will ultimately make me sick. To walk away and not look back.

Moving forward, acceptance and looking for the good, but I am in no way a Pollyanna.

mima · ‎03-14-2010

Biggest one is "Life's Not Fair".

A little one is "Haste Makes Waste". I used to hear that a lot and never thought about it. Now that I'm older I have figured out it is soooo true. If you hurry, you usually don't accomplish much or you have to do it over again.