Community Chat

[Deb1010again]

I tell myself ""this too shall pass"". One week from now or one month from now or one year from now I'll be out of the situation and on to other things. Life is a journey. I can make it and I'll never be dealt more than I can handle. I am strong.

[JustJules]

On 4/1/2014 mistriTsquirrel said:

On 3/31/2014 Qgirl26 said:

On 3/31/2014 ennui1 said:

Philippians 4:13.

Me too. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me; Philippians 4:13.

My husband and I are going through this today too. For my sweet husband, it's a matter of life and death and could affect how all our tomorrows are spent. So no staying home in bed even if we wanted to. I wish life were that simple!

mistriTsquirrel, I have a feeling you are going through something just as scary and important. I pray that it all turns out well for you. Hopefully the day will not be as dreadful for either one of us as we think it might at this point. I wish you all the best.

Qgirl, I don't share your Christian faith, but I'm glad it is a source of strength for you.

Yes, I am facing something important...and it cannot be avoided or "fixed." However, I have a very strong feeling that what happens over the next few months--and how I handle it--will help determine the course of the rest of my life, and perhaps affect the lives of people around me.

I wish you and your husband the best, Qgirl. I am sending hugs and kind wishes your way.

Love,

mistri

Hi Mistri, I saw your post in the thread about my dad and realized I haven't checked in with you for a long time. Thanks for your good thoughts, and I apologize, I have been consumed by my own issues lately. I like your quote and your Warrior Squirrel pic, and I know you are a very strong lady. In reading this thread, there have been lots of interesting responses, many I can relate to, depending on the day. There have certainly been times when pulling the covers over my head would be the preferable solution to fears and troubles. Although like you said, that is rarely an option, and those problems always seem to remain when the covers are pulled back.

Qgirl, I also have a Christian faith, and whatever trials you are facing with your husband, I will keep you both in my prayers.

Mistri, I can only assume you are speaking of your father and all that encompasses. Our circumstances are similar even though different, and I know we are both trying to find our strength to do our best. You are probably correct, decisions you make during this so very difficult time in your life, will have long lasting effects not just for you. There are tons of quotations and inspirational sayings, and even spiritual and religious references....and different people will find comfort in their own ways, but I think you are discovering your own strength. Part of that strength is awareness that it is totally acceptable to feel weak and afraid. There are days I start out feeling empowered, yet end up in a sobbing puddle when the day is over....but as that poster mentioned about the Japanese proverb, fall down 7 times, get up 8. As long as you keep getting up, that is half the battle.

So, "What do I tell myself when I am weak or afraid?".... That steel is forged by the hottest fire, and strength comes from adversity. At the end of my time on this ball of dirt, it won't matter whether people say nice things of me, or don't remember me at all... I only have my life to live, and I want to be able to say I tried my best for those I loved, and didn't crumble when things got tough.

You are a Warrior Squirrel, even if your armor gets dented. Stay strong. I will continue to keep you and your family in my prayers. If you feel like venting I would gladly listen.

[just bee]

Gird your loins.

[Barbarainnc]

Joel Osteen preached one Sunday about "All is Well". No matter what is going on in your life, "All is Well".

[FrostyBabe]

I'm not going to get into all of the lousy stuff that has gone on in my life, because it's not about who has or had it worst, it's about how you handle it. For me, two things immediately come to mind and go hand in hand. Firstly, Phillipians 4:13, followed by "s*uck it up, buttercup"

[ivey]

Mistri, this imagery might help your mother and you. Psalm 57 talks about being covered by eagle's wings. I picture that safety when I need it.

Also, Phil. 4:6 says "Don't be anxious about anything . . ." I quote that to myself.

And as a poster said, sometimes we have to "do it afraid." My best wishes for you. The squirrel pics are cute

P.S. Going through some health things just this morning. Talking to myself and calming myself down--seems like we are all doing a lot of that lately.

[fortune]

On 4/1/2014 mistriTsquirrel said:

On 3/31/2014 Qgirl26 said:

On 3/31/2014 ennui1 said:

Philippians 4:13.

Me too. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me; Philippians 4:13.

My husband and I are going through this today too. For my sweet husband, it's a matter of life and death and could affect how all our tomorrows are spent. So no staying home in bed even if we wanted to. I wish life were that simple!

mistriTsquirrel, I have a feeling you are going through something just as scary and important. I pray that it all turns out well for you. Hopefully the day will not be as dreadful for either one of us as we think it might at this point. I wish you all the best.

Qgirl, I don't share your Christian faith, but I'm glad it is a source of strength for you.

Yes, I am facing something important...and it cannot be avoided or "fixed." However, I have a very strong feeling that what happens over the next few months--and how I handle it--will help determine the course of the rest of my life, and perhaps affect the lives of people around me.

I wish you and your husband the best, Qgirl. I am sending hugs and kind wishes your way.

Love,

mistri

Mistri, I'm absolutely sure you're right on! I've seen you become almost a new person since I first met you on these boards!! How you've handled everything so far must give you great confidence in your ability to triumph over anything in the future!!!
And, the sweetest thing of all is your ability to help others be strong, too!!

[serenity4ever]

Since childhood, I have always said a prayer to the Blessed Mother for strength. She has gotten me through some very difficult times and I continue to rely on her....

[mistriTsquirrel]

On 4/1/2014 Jules5280 said:

On 4/1/2014 mistriTsquirrel said:

On 3/31/2014 Qgirl26 said:

On 3/31/2014 ennui1 said:

Philippians 4:13.

Me too. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me; Philippians 4:13.

My husband and I are going through this today too. For my sweet husband, it's a matter of life and death and could affect how all our tomorrows are spent. So no staying home in bed even if we wanted to. I wish life were that simple!

mistriTsquirrel, I have a feeling you are going through something just as scary and important. I pray that it all turns out well for you. Hopefully the day will not be as dreadful for either one of us as we think it might at this point. I wish you all the best.

Qgirl, I don't share your Christian faith, but I'm glad it is a source of strength for you.

Yes, I am facing something important...and it cannot be avoided or "fixed." However, I have a very strong feeling that what happens over the next few months--and how I handle it--will help determine the course of the rest of my life, and perhaps affect the lives of people around me.

I wish you and your husband the best, Qgirl. I am sending hugs and kind wishes your way.

Love,

mistri

Hi Mistri, I saw your post in the thread about my dad and realized I haven't checked in with you for a long time. Thanks for your good thoughts, and I apologize, I have been consumed by my own issues lately. I like your quote and your Warrior Squirrel pic, and I know you are a very strong lady. In reading this thread, there have been lots of interesting responses, many I can relate to, depending on the day. There have certainly been times when pulling the covers over my head would be the preferable solution to fears and troubles. Although like you said, that is rarely an option, and those problems always seem to remain when the covers are pulled back.

Qgirl, I also have a Christian faith, and whatever trials you are facing with your husband, I will keep you both in my prayers.

Mistri, I can only assume you are speaking of your father and all that encompasses. Our circumstances are similar even though different, and I know we are both trying to find our strength to do our best. You are probably correct, decisions you make during this so very difficult time in your life, will have long lasting effects not just for you. There are tons of quotations and inspirational sayings, and even spiritual and religious references....and different people will find comfort in their own ways, but I think you are discovering your own strength. Part of that strength is awareness that it is totally acceptable to feel weak and afraid. There are days I start out feeling empowered, yet end up in a sobbing puddle when the day is over....but as that poster mentioned about the Japanese proverb, fall down 7 times, get up 8. As long as you keep getting up, that is half the battle.

So, "What do I tell myself when I am weak or afraid?".... That steel is forged by the hottest fire, and strength comes from adversity. At the end of my time on this ball of dirt, it won't matter whether people say nice things of me, or don't remember me at all... I only have my life to live, and I want to be able to say I tried my best for those I loved, and didn't crumble when things got tough.

You are a Warrior Squirrel, even if your armor gets dented. Stay strong. I will continue to keep you and your family in my prayers. If you feel like venting I would gladly listen.

Thanks, Jules.

I know what you mean about being consumed...my family is not doing so well.

My mother and I were thinking that my father's cancer had traveled to his brain. When they did a CT scan and then an MRI of his head, we found out that he'd had multiple strokes throughout his brain. He is in the hospital now, but he may be out as early as Monday, and my parents' house is not ready. What's worse is that my mother has talked about putting my dad in a home if he doesn't "listen better." He is aware he's being "disobedient," but he isn't doing it to spite her...I think he has psychologically minimized how ill he is, and I don't think he's willing to accept the idea that he is--in many ways--helpless.

My brother--who'd arrived in town late Wednesday night--sent me multiple text messages while I was at work, asking me when I would get to the hospital. He even asked me to bring cigarettes. I was shocked. (He is a health nut who mountain bikes for miles, eats organic food, etc. and he hasn't been a smoker since he was in college, about 15 years ago.)

When I got to the hospital, my brother came out to my car to smoke (I had to buy a pack, since I quit last year, but once he started talking, I went ahead and lit up too). He was livid. Not only did the hospital staff not seem to know what they were doing, but he'd had it out with my mom. She doesn't seem to realize how seriously ill my dad is right now, and she seems to resent the fact that she will have to participate in watching over him. She has her head jammed so far up her rear-end that she can't prioritize anything, and she only seems to think of how all of this will affect her.

She knows that I will be moving in to help (and only picking up shifts at work when possible), that we will get a nurse to help as well...but she still seems concerned about how she's going to handle caring for him.

I realize that she is depressed, and that she would not be up to the challenge of taking care of him by herself...but she will not be taking care of him by herself. My boss agreed to take me off of the schedule starting on Monday, and I will not be working unless I know that my dad's needs will be met during the time I will be at work. What scares me is that my mom doesn't seem to understand/care to the degree that she should. Her thinking is along these lines: "If he doesn't wait for someone to help him to the bathroom, and he winds up falling, it will be his own [darn] fault." It's appalling and worrisome. If he winds up falling while she is supposed to be watching him, because she ignored him...I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive her.

We had an argument along those lines after we went to U of M for a second opinion, months ago. He was going to begin chemo, and I knew his brain would be "foggy." I asked her on numerous occasions to take down the baby gates that keep the dog in the kitchen and family room area, because I was afraid he would fall over one of them. (She was concerned that the dog might pee on her carpeting.) She originally told me she would take them down (in order to placate me), but she was lying. She had no intentions of ever taking those gates down. I told her that if he fell over one of those gates and injured himself, that I wasn't sure if I'd ever be able to forgive her. She told me that would be my problem. I was also warned to never raise the issue again.

I'm not backing down on this, however. I feel like I'll have to watch her while she's watching him. I think I may need to talk to my dad about having his healthcare power of attorney switched from my mom to my brother and/or myself. I don't believe that she is motivated by his best interests, his needs or his wishes...and I think she may just be too messed up to even realize how deplorable it is to "make him pay" if he doesn't "obey" her.

She doesn't seem to have much sympathy for him. I wish she could be in his shoes for a day to know how it feels to be him.

I was watching him eat today. He has improved with using the utensils to eat. I told him I was glad to see that he was doing better with his eating so soon after his strokes. My brother looked uncomfortable watching him eat, but I looked at him and I felt proud.

My mom has a tendency to try to take over when he struggles, but I don't necessarily think it's good for him. As long as he can't hurt himself, I'd prefer that he go about the business of re-learning whatever he can re-learn, and feeling like he has some sort of control over his life. If it means he drops a little food on himself, so what? She wrings her hands over things like that, and it bothers me that she can't seem to see what matters.

Despite his strokes, he still has a quick wit. The nurses, doctors and other hospital staff seem to enjoy his wisecracks (as long as they realize he's just joking).

Today he had another bone biopsy on his femur. I guess it took the doctor a good bit of drilling and hammering into the bone to get the sample, because the lesion was harder than anticipated. Despite his ordeal, my dad was joking with the nurses in the recovery room. When he was being wheeled out of the recovery room, my brother and I thanked the nurses, and my dad said, "yep, thanks for beating the h*ll out of me with a hammer." The nurses got a good laugh from that.

I'm emotionally exhausted. I don't feel nearly as stressed about the prospect of caring for him as I do about the prospect of having to deal with my mom's dysfunction. I've been trying to help her for years, but she doesn't want to help herself...and now we all have to suffer because of it (again).

My brother mentioned something to me tonight that made me think...

Years ago, my mom went back to college and finished. Then she had a menial job at a hotel that she only took because her sister convinced her that it would be good for her to get out of the house and work (and it was good for her, by her own admission).

Then my mother fell and suffered a really bad broken ankle at my high school (I had called her and asked her to bring me something I'd forgotten and needed, and she slipped and fell in the entryway).

Tonight, my brother said that he noticed a change in my mom after she broke her ankle and was unable to do much of anything for months. I'd never connected her change in behavior to that incident until tonight...and I wonder if--on some level--she blames me for the state her life is in today (because she was doing much better before the accident). I still feel guilty about the fact that I called her that day and it ended with her falling and injuring herself badly.

I now wonder if she is feeling betrayed...like I caused her to fall, and now I'm trying to prevent my dad from falling.

I don't know for sure that she is thinking that, but she may be...and I'd like to discuss things with her and see if that may be underlying some of her behavior. I think I may try to catch her off guard a bit with a question or two that she isn't prepared for, so that I will get an answer from her that isn't colored by current circumstances. I want her to know that I never would've called her if I'd known that she would've been hurt that day, and that I still feel guilty about it. I also want her to know that if she was the terminally ill parent who had had multiple strokes, I would be advocating for her. I already told her that I'm not playing favorites, that I would stick up for her just as fervently if she was the ill parent, but I'm not sure that she really heard me.

If this incident from the past is coloring what's happening now, and I can get through to her that I am extremely sorry I called her that day, that I never would have if I'd known she would be hurt, and that I would do everything possible to prevent Dad from putting her in a home if circumstances were reversed...maybe she can heal somewhat.

I'm really glad my brother said what he said, because--if it can help this situation--it is a buried treasure we've unearthed, as far as I'm concerned. I do feel bad that she had to go through what she went through, and I'm more than willing to offer a heartfelt apology to her and admit that I shouldn't have called her that day to save me from the consequences of my own forgetfulness/carelessness.

I hope I am onto something, but I just don't know.

(...to be continued...)

[AuntG]

First of all, tell your brother that the hospital does know what it is doing. Not saying all doctors are perfect, but they see a lot of what your family is going through and I'd trust them over a brother who rarely checks in. Secondly, your mother sounds crazy, and not just because of what she is going through. Take over, and get that house ready for your dad so he can pass peacefully.