Community Chat

[Marienkaefer2]

On 2/16/2014 EmmaBunting said:

On 2/16/2014 Marienkaefer2 said:

I agree with both biancardi and kitty.

I don't think there is any one, universally right answer, here, Marien. Not knowing the situation firsthand, I think many are just counseling the OP to not rush into anything without getting counseling.....and trying her hardest to make it work. 36 years is a lot of years to just throw away without a lot of consideration. Those of us who have been married a long time realize that there are times we may all feel that way.....yet stay and try to make our marriages work. Marriages are full of ups and downs. That's why they make it hard to just walk away at the first sign of discontent.

the OP did say her husband was a great guy and would do anything for her. There's something to be said for that.

Of course, if he were abusive....either mentally or physically.......that would be another story entirely!

I agreed with what they said.

But if you look further back,I did post that I think the o/p should try counseling on her own, first, before bringing up anything to her husband.

Sometimes just talking to a third party can help you see things better. She might decide to stay with with her husband,and work on things. Then she could approach her husband and they could move forward, if he is willing.

Or, she might decide that it's really not going to work. In that case, she will also make a better decision if she is well prepared and has thought things thoroughly over.

In either case,I don't believe she should be guided by fear of the unknown. What happens to one person does not mean it will happen to you.

Life is about growth and change. If she decides to leave or stay,she should do it with confidence based on what is right for her, and not dour predictions from others.

[evelomaddict]

On 2/16/2014 QVC Shopper said: This thread is almost verbatim to another started some time ago.

did the op at least return to that one?

[EmmaBunting]

On 2/16/2014 Marienkaefer2 said:

On 2/16/2014 EmmaBunting said:

On 2/16/2014 Marienkaefer2 said:

I agree with both biancardi and kitty.

I don't think there is any one, universally right answer, here, Marien. Not knowing the situation firsthand, I think many are just counseling the OP to not rush into anything without getting counseling.....and trying her hardest to make it work. 36 years is a lot of years to just throw away without a lot of consideration. Those of us who have been married a long time realize that there are times we may all feel that way.....yet stay and try to make our marriages work. Marriages are full of ups and downs. That's why they make it hard to just walk away at the first sign of discontent.

the OP did say her husband was a great guy and would do anything for her. There's something to be said for that.

Of course, if he were abusive....either mentally or physically.......that would be another story entirely!

I agreed with what they said.

But if you look further back,I did post that I think the o/p should try counseling on her own, first, before bringing up anything to her husband.

Sometimes just talking to a third party can help you see things better. She might decide to stay with with her husband,and work on things. Then she could approach her husband and they could move forward, if he is willing.

Or, she might decide that it's really not going to work. In that case, she will also make a better decision if she is well prepared and has thought things thoroughly over.

In either case,I don't believe she should be guided by fear of the unknown. What happens to one person does not mean it will happen to you.

Life is about growth and change. If she decides to leave or stay,she should do it with confidence based on what is right for her, and not dour predictions from others.

Agreed. Sorry...I didn't catch your prior post advising counseling.

[------]

On 2/16/2014 biancardi said:

On 2/16/2014 ------ said:

On 2/16/2014 KittyLouWhoToo said:

Nothing is as lonely as living with someone you don't love or want to be with.

Until you get ill and have no one to care for you.

They say getting old isn't for sissies. I say getting old and being alone is only for the strongest among us. You have to be as tough as nails to live that life.

my mother is a widow - has been since 1983. You don't need to be married in order to have someone care for you. You don't need to be living with someone else in order to have people care for you.

I would never want to be married to someone or be in a relationship with someone that I did not love (heck, may not even like) just because I am afraid of being alone

It is tough, but you do find ways to make friends and relationships outside of a marriage. I find that many people depend TOO much on their spouse and when their spouse is not around, they have no clue on what to do anymore.

IMO you need to be in a solid financial position to think this way and that is a luxury very few old/er women who have been living in a dependent, long term relationship have.

Adapting to being alone constitutes only a part of the survival of an older divorced woman. The big obstacle is financial. Unfortunately there's very little support available to guide senior women through divorce/separation. And when most of the women in the OP's age range are married it makes things even more difficult to make and keep friends.

I'm not saying this is a reason to remain in a so-called loveless relationship. One has to do what one has to do. But there are risks and one has to carefully gauge if this will mean living in relative comfort vs being a burden to loved ones and/or living in the streets.

Boredom and apathy come and go. Don't act in haste.

[guatmum]

Though I am single and LOVE it, I've always been single so have worked out my life and am used to, though don't agree with, the over 1000 state and federal penalties for being single. You, as a once-married (if you divorce), will get SOME of the bennies of marriage extended to your single life but definitely not all. Really make sure, before you decide to go for a divorce or even mention divorce/separation to your husband, that you can do it financially AND emotionally. As another poster said, whether you acknowledge it or not, you have in some way depended on someone else for many years and may find flying alone to be too much or not your way to happiness.

All of that being said, I would also caution you not to stay just to keep you social and financial status. It's easy to say "just live separate lives in the same house" but that doesn't hold once one of you gets seriously ill or disabled. Your husband is older than you and, even when both are the same age, the man is usually the one who physically breaks down first. You have to ask yourself if you would be able to care for him long-term if (more likely WHEN) he gets sick and/or disabled. Caring for an aging, ill spouse long term is tough for anyone but is almost unbearable for someone who was unhappy in the marriage anyway. And if you decide to leave him THEN, you will probably face an enormous amount of guilt and social stigma. Just a thought.

[biancardi]

On 2/16/2014 ------ said:

On 2/16/2014 biancardi said:

On 2/16/2014 ------ said:

On 2/16/2014 KittyLouWhoToo said:

Nothing is as lonely as living with someone you don't love or want to be with.

Until you get ill and have no one to care for you.

They say getting old isn't for sissies. I say getting old and being alone is only for the strongest among us. You have to be as tough as nails to live that life.

my mother is a widow - has been since 1983. You don't need to be married in order to have someone care for you. You don't need to be living with someone else in order to have people care for you.

I would never want to be married to someone or be in a relationship with someone that I did not love (heck, may not even like) just because I am afraid of being alone

It is tough, but you do find ways to make friends and relationships outside of a marriage. I find that many people depend TOO much on their spouse and when their spouse is not around, they have no clue on what to do anymore.

IMO you need to be in a solid financial position to think this way and that is a luxury very few old/er women who have been living in a dependent, long term relationship have.

Adapting to being alone constitutes only a part of the survival of an older divorced woman. The big obstacle is financial. Unfortunately there's very little support available to guide senior women through divorce/separation. And when most of the women in the OP's age range are married it makes things even more difficult to make and keep friends.

I'm not saying this is a reason to remain in a so-called loveless relationship. One has to do what one has to do. But there are risks and one has to carefully gauge if this will mean living in relative comfort vs being a burden to loved ones and/or living in the streets.

Boredom and apathy come and go. Don't act in haste.

I think that is why most people here, including myself, advised counseling.

However, there comes a point when a loveless marriage is not worth it. Women need to start being more self-sufficient and not rely on someone else for their comforts. Just my opinion. Because it may not be the wife that asks for the divorce - it might be the husband.

[AbbyK]

Thank you all so much for your replies...both negative and positive. My husband is not an easy man to live with. Very thoughtful in some ways, but so annoying in others. You can be having a wonderful day, but he can take the joy out of it in minutes. He blows everything out of proportion - from a stubbed toe to problems with cable TV. He can't just let things go, but needs to vent about everything. And god forbid you don't understand what he's telling you or explaining to you the first time. Sarcastic comments....and looks. Absolutely no patience with anything...but then later will say that's the way he blows off steam. When I was an early 22 year old dating them, I wished I had the foresight then to realize he really wasn't for me. He came from a family of screamers when they needed to get their point across. I didn't. Yet, he can break down at a sad story about an animal or,someone down on their luck. I've been with him through a tripe heart bypass, both parents' deaths, major depressions (both of us). S"'x is nonexistent as he's on many medications, and it's just too much work. He never kisses me, hugs me and never holds hands. I have friends who are dealing with terminal illnesses with their kid, and grandson. They have the right to complain about life. So when he goes,on and on about stupid meaningless stuff, I want to scream! Yet, he'll do whatever I want around the house - moving furniture, painting, etc. I don't expect him to entertain me as someone said. I'm the social director. I'm the one with tons of friends who makes plans to see them both together and alone. We do travel quite a bit, and most times, we have a good time. My mother died a few years ago, and I'd tell her various complaints. She told me not to give up financial security, a home, kids, to be single. It wasn't worth it. Just make my own life. I work part time, and have for years. I never had to work full time, so I was home with my kids growing up. So is the glass half empty or half full? Do I put up with things that I've lived with for years, or forge ahead? I would just love to spend one week with no one asking why I'm on my IPAD so much, when is dinner, what's for dinner?, are we going out this weekend?, why am I taking so many naps?, why are you sleeping past 8:30am? why don't you read the papers everyday like I do? Why do you spend so much time shopping? Blah, blah! That's my life.

[Catitude]

Never mind. I see the OP responded.

[lulu2]

We've been married almost 43 years. I know marriages go through ups and downs. If I were 59 and knew I no longer loved my husband, (this is what the OP said) I would not continue the marriage.

Life is too short to remain in a loveless, empty relationship.

[Catitude]

On 2/16/2014 AbbyK said: Thank you all so much for your replies...both negative and positive. My husband is not an easy man to live with. Very thoughtful in some ways, but so annoying in others. You can be having a wonderful day, but he can take the joy out of it in minutes. He blows everything out of proportion - from a stubbed toe to problems with cable TV. He can't just let things go, but needs to vent about everything. And god forbid you don't understand what he's telling you or explaining to you the first time. Sarcastic comments....and looks. Absolutely no patience with anything...but then later will say that's the way he blows off steam. When I was an early 22 year old dating them, I wished I had the foresight then to realize he really wasn't for me. He came from a family of screamers when they needed to get their point across. I didn't. Yet, he can break down at a sad story about an animal or,someone down on their luck. I've been with him through a tripe heart bypass, both parents' deaths, major depressions (both of us). S"'x is nonexistent as he's on many medications, and it's just too much work. He never kisses me, hugs me and never holds hands. I have friends who are dealing with terminal illnesses with their kid, and grandson. They have the right to complain about life. So when he goes,on and on about stupid meaningless stuff, I want to scream! Yet, he'll do whatever I want around the house - moving furniture, painting, etc. I don't expect him to entertain me as someone said. I'm the social director. I'm the one with tons of friends who makes plans to see them both together and alone. We do travel quite a bit, and most times, we have a good time. My mother died a few years ago, and I'd tell her various complaints. She told me not to give up financial security, a home, kids, to be single. It wasn't worth it. Just make my own life. I work part time, and have for years. I never had to work full time, so I was home with my kids growing up. So is the glass half empty or half full? Do I put up with things that I've lived with for years, or forge ahead? I would just love to spend one week with no one asking why I'm on my IPAD so much, when is dinner, what's for dinner?, are we going out this weekend?, why am I taking so many naps?, why are you sleeping past 8:30am? why don't you read the papers everyday like I do? Why do you spend so much time shopping? Blah, blah! That's my life.

So you're staying with him because your Mom told you not to leave him?