Community Chat

[zitawins]

Hi!  I am wondering if anyone else has encountered this situation: I have known this person for twenty years, but the friendship isn't there anymore. Just a stale exchange every six months or so. She insists upon giving me Christmas and birthday gifts so I feel obligated to do the same. Our lives simply have taken different paths and I don't get anything out of our exchanges.

I have tried not contacting her (it's always by email), but then a note witll pop up in my feed from her. Don't want to ghost her but what other solution is there? I can't point to any one cause recently, but there have been in the past, on which I confronted her.

I would appreciate any comments from Forum readers.  TIA

[lgfan]

---

@zitawins wrote:

Hi!  I am wondering if anyone else has encountered this situation: I have known this person for twenty years, but the friendship isn't there anymore. Just a stale exchange every six months or so. She insists upon giving me Christmas and birthday gifts so I feel obligated to do the same. Our lives simply have taken different paths and I don't get anything out of our exchanges.

I have tried not contacting her (it's always by email), but then a note witll pop up in my feed from her. Don't want to ghost her but what other solution is there? I can't point to any one cause recently, but there have been in the past, on which I confronted her.

I would appreciate any comments from Forum readers.  TIA

---

I would be upfront with her and say that you don't want to continue the friendship because the two of you no longer have much in common.  If she continues to give you gifts just thank her but do not get her anything.  Maybe she will take the hint and stop bothering you.

[RetRN]

You can do one of  two things, either tell her the friendship is no longer there or simply ignore her. You either want to continue in the relationship or you don't. 

[Kachina624]

@zitawins. This has come up here before.  First, I'd call or email her and tell her that, since you no longer know each other's wants or needs, you feel you should no longer exchange gifts, postage is so high, yada, yada.  From then on, it will be easy to gradually drop her or limit your contact to a cyber "Merry Christmas".

[stevieb]

I guess I'm different, if the 'friendship' amounts to exchange of emails a couple of times a year, is that really so onerous? Perhaps the friendship means more to her than it does to you. As for the gifts, suggest you limit it to one or the other, either Christmas or Birthdays but not both and then, over time, let that fade away as well if that's your choice. Unless someone has no redeemeing traits, I'm not one to burn bridges.

[GingerHead]

@zitawins 

Maybe a little different but we have a family (my DH and I) friend like that. We don't particularly get anything out of the relationship or chose to hang out with him but he contacts us from time to time and invites himself over every once in awhile. I think he's pretty lonely.

While we don't get anything out of the relationship we feel that he must and that's reason enough for us to hang out with him. The relationship isn't something that we choose but it's not like it's a huge hardship for us to continue to see him from time to time. 

I guess you need to decide if what sounds like the limited time and effort spent on this relationship is worth it to you....maybe you don't get anything out of it but it sounds like she does...

[Marsha2003]

Sometimes, close friendships become more distant for many reasons.  My relationship with my very best friend ever has slowly become less close over the years.  However, I still try to call every six months or so and I do send a Christmas gift without any expectation of a return gift.  Looking at it from my side, I would be sad if she told me she never wanted to hear from me again. 

I guess you have to decide how bothersome it really is to maintain at least a minimal contact, but certainly it's reasonable to suggest that the gift exchange stop.

[LTT1]

@zitawins @stevieb @GingerHead @Kachina624 @RetRN 

I know a woman who is trying to stop a friend from giving her gifts.

The issue, for her, is that the "friend" is gift-giving with ulterior motives.

Mainly, this person  refuses to honor the request to NOT GIVE GIFTS.

This "friend" shows behaviors of trying to "control" this lady

in other words, using the friendship to serve selfish needs. So, not really a "true friend".

In fact, the other lady wants the one I know to feel a sense of OBLIGATION.

So, in your situation, I agree with other posters here who advise being upfront and telling them, difficult as this seems.

[Cakers3]

---

@stevieb wrote:

I guess I'm different, if the 'friendship' amounts to exchange of emails a couple of times a year, is that really so onerous? Perhaps the friendship means more to her than it does to you. As for the gifts, suggest you limit it to one or the other, either Christmas or Birthdays but not both and then, over time, let that fade away as well if that's your choice. Unless someone has no redeemeing traits, I'm not one to burn bridges.

---

@stevieb I agree with you. Your assessment and suggestions are very valid.

@zitawins You said you had to confront her in the past and it sounds more about whatever caused that situation than a few emails.

Perhaps she is doing her best and since we do not know what role you have always played all those years (two sides to every story) I'm just not so quick to dismiss her completely.

I feel "ghosting" someone is rude, too.

[redbird]

Simply email her and tell her that you are having to make a few budget cuts so would prefer not to exchange gifts anymore. Then when she sends you an email don't be in a rush to respond and when you do answer briefly. Don't include much about your life at all except maybe a mention of keeping busy without any details.It doesn't sound like you have much if any in person contact so keeping her at bay should be easy. If she does want to meet up just be busy. 

.