Community Chat

[Jacie]

A wise woman once said "Sometimes friendships come with an expiration date."

I think this is true. We grow up and grow older, circumstances change, life takes over. Sometimes people get betrayed, they might find a friend gets to be too much work or to be too needy.

If you no longer want to exchange gifts, that's OK you just need to say so. Be gentle. Don.t feel obligated to respond to every email or text.

It's your choice to participate or not.

[Zhills]

You never know how important your, even distant, friendship is to the other person!!  They may need you more than you need them!

I would stop the gifts but not the few contacts we have.  You may be a life saver to them.

I don't have family anymore and some Holidays, I don't get any gifts or acknowledgement at all.   Even though I know I won't and I understand why......it smarts!

[jackthebear]

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@Zhills wrote:

Why pour water on the coals?  Friendships become scarce as we get older.  Why would you just choose to end one?

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I think the OP finds the constant gift-giving onerous

[Another new name Sue]

Stevieb had a good suggestion. 

if you have to be in touch every six months or so, that certainly tolerable, especially from a long time friend. As for the gifting, I had this same situation. No sense in making up a story, I just told her the truth, that I have a lot of "stuff" and how would she feel about discontinuing gifting each other? She said fine, probably had the same thought herself.

[zitawins]

@ Zitawins:  Hi all. Thank you a million times over for the help and good comments from so many of you. You have given me good advice on how to slowly end this situation without unnecessary unkindness.

God bless us, everyone!

[JeanLouiseFinch]

Several decades ago, we met a couple at our Lamaze class that seemed really friendly.  They invited the class to their home after all the babies were born.  We ended up continuing a friendship as families.  They were very hospitable and kind but I can't tell you how awful their kids were; screamers, hitters, you name it, and the parents did nothing.  The mom wouldn't let an occasion pass without gifts showing up, which then made me feel obligated.  Then she got the bright idea that we should schedule get togethers every six weeks.  We lived about 35-45 minutes from one another. The whole thing about the relationship was a burden besides subjecting our kids to their abusive kids.  I finally had to tell her we wouldn't be continuing the friendship.  I'm sure it caught her off guard, but I just had to make the madness stop. 

@zitawins - set your boundaries and stick to them.  If you want out, responding to her will keep her in control of you.  You can begin by suggesting to stop the gifts.  Then just let the friendship die a slow death or you can ignore her, move on, and don't look back.

[Trailrun23]

I would never just cut off all contact with someone unless I had a really good reason. To continue sending cards occasionally doesn't sound too burdensome and they may be something she looks forward to. I have a friend whose older sister now lives in a rehab center and has some serious health issues. I send her a card every other month or so...just to let her know I am thinking of her. My friend said the cards mean the world to her and she has them lined up on her window sill so she can see them. I would feel so guilty if she were expecting them and they never came.

[monicakm]

@zitawins 

I was in a toxic relationship for 20 years. This woman and I bonded over a school matter and became friends.  Neither one of us worked so we were able to spend a lot of time together going shopping and out to eat. We even went to Las Vegas.  It was a very one-sided relationship. She had a terrible relationship with her emotionally abusive husband and children that did not respect her. I endured thousands of hours on the phone listening her complain about her husband and their financial woes. I could talk but I couldn't say anything about my life and my husband and my child because it was mostly positive and she didn't like hearing about that so I finally stopped talking about my personal life.  She would ask me for advice again and again and again and never took it. Things turned around for them, for the good, financially. That's when she started pulling back and I can't say that I was sad about it but we did get to take a couple of trips together before finally "calling it quits". Fast forward to 2021 when I had my first knee surgery. We had not been talking but she found out I was having surgery and asked me (text) who my surgeon was. I told her. She said she would never tell anybody what doctor they could or couldn't use (thank you) but she would never use that doctor. It seems as though her son's wife left him and married my knee surgeon. She stopped texting me when she found out who my surgeon was lol. Again, not heartbroken. Then my brother died. No acknowledgment. Not going to lie, that hurt a little. Another knee surgery. Nothing from her. Didn't care. Next, my mother passed away. She did reach out to tell me she was sorry. I thanked her. 20 years is a long time to be friends even if the relationship was one-sided. I didn't seek her out during any of curve balls life had thrown my way since 2021 but for her to get mad at me because my knee surgeon married her son's ex-wife, well, I can't say I was really surprised.

People change. Likes and dislikes change. Circumstances change. Nothing stays the same. Sometimes a friendship can whether it and sometimes it can't. I wouldn't drag it out. Cut ties. She'll get the drift sooner or later, hopefully sooner.  Maybe ghosting is the only thing that will work. Good luck. It's not easy.

[Alsace Gal]

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@zitawins wrote:

Hi!  I am wondering if anyone else has encountered this situation: I have known this person for twenty years, but the friendship isn't there anymore. Just a stale exchange every six months or so. She insists upon giving me Christmas and birthday gifts so I feel obligated to do the same. Our lives simply have taken different paths and I don't get anything out of our exchanges.

I have tried not contacting her (it's always by email), but then a note witll pop up in my feed from her. Don't want to ghost her but what other solution is there? I can't point to any one cause recently, but there have been in the past, on which I confronted her.

I would appreciate any comments from Forum readers.  TIA

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@zitawins 

When I was 13 my best friend told me she didn't want to be friends anymore. She did this during break time in front of our group and in front of dozens of other people.

I'm 73 and still have not forgotten it. It still hurts.

I imagine your friend will feel a bit of hurt.

You have an opportunity to bring a bit of happiness to another, which I consider a gift.

Each email takes less than a minute, twice a year?

[LindaSal]

@zitawins I know you have received enough advice on your situation but I thought I would chime in anyway.  I have a similar situation which involves a couple DH and I have been friends with for 35 years.  We all worked in the same field and that's how we met.

Went out for many dinners together, even vacationed together a few times over the years.  We always enjoyed each other's company. 

 They live in the same condo complex as we do now.  They moved here first and when we decided to downsize 5 years ago they were all about us buying one which we did end up doing and we are happy here.  Odd thing is we seem to be growing apart as since we've been living here we see them less than the many years before.   Nothing has changed on our part and we always gave them their space as we appreciated ours.  

I guess what I am trying to say is people go their own way at times in our lives and I feel it's best to accept it and move on.  We no longer bother with them as we feel they don't want to part of our lives.  Of course we are cordial when we bump into them but that's all there is.  Do what is best for you, and don't feel guilty about it.